


Big Bad World

by MyTARDISsenseIsTingling



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Long Form, Romance, Slow Burn, Trauma, alternate time line, implied rape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-03-17 08:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 54,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3521972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyTARDISsenseIsTingling/pseuds/MyTARDISsenseIsTingling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ALTERNATE TIMELINE: What if Eren hadn't gotten there to rescue Mikasa in time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: That Day Before

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody! So I'm very nervous but excited to post this. It's my first fic ever for Attack on Titan, or any of my anime fandoms for that matter. I'm just posting the prologue for now, just to see how it goes over with everyone. But basically this is my experiment with what would happen if ONE very important event in the SNK universe hadn't happened: Eren saving Mikasa. Obviously I had to take some liberties with this alternate timeline, because in full honesty I think that if Mikasa hadn't been with them all this time they'd all probably be dead, so just bear with me please!
> 
> All credit for these amazing characters and their fucked up world goes to Hajime Isayama, of course!!

"We go out on our own, it's a big bad world outside.  
Carrying our dreams, and all that they mean,  
Trying to make it all worthwhile."  
~Kodaline, "Big Bad World"

Prologue: That Day Before

The little boy’s breath ripped from his throat, leaving puffs of condensation in the air behind him as he raced through that fateful cold winter day. He remained unbothered by the chill, however; a long maroon scarf was wrapped a few times around his neck and his stormy blue-green eyes flashed as adrenaline coursed through him. He’d been running for some time now, driven by a single thought for fuel: find her.

The scene he’d just witnessed kept replaying itself in his mind: the blood spattered across the floor and onto the window, the man and woman lying still and lifeless, fear in their glassy eyes. That was the last emotion they’d ever known. 

“Too late,” his father had said as he checked both of their lifeless corpses. Though he didn’t know why his father had needed to check. Their fates were obvious. His father glanced around the room of the small cabin at the top of the mountain, then back at him.

“Eren, have you seen the girl- Mikasa- anywhere nearby?”

“No,” he answered in a monotone. His father nodded gravely.

“I’ll get the Military Police and have them conduct an investigation. You’ll wait at the bottom of the mountain. Is that clear, Eren?”

But Eren hadn’t wanted to wait. He knew that getting more people to help would take too long, and they did not have time to waste. He couldn’t stop thinking about the faces of the dead man and woman. Imagining what it would be like if they had been his parents; what it would be like to watch them fall to the floor. She was around his age. Horror clutched at his throat, the same horror he knew she must have felt, and he knew he couldn’t let her continue on like that. He had to get to her. He couldn’t let the same bastards who had done such horrible things to innocent people hurt her too.

Finally just as he thought his race through the cold would never end, the sight he’d been hoping for sprang into view: a different small cabin emerging before him from between the trees. He’d heard tell of a settlement out in this part of the forest, and he’d heard that it was a place frequented by criminals and those who had something to hide. His mother had warned him to never venture far this way, but of course now he had to. It was the only place that made sense where they could have taken her. He slowed his footsteps and tread carefully as he climbed the steps toward the front door, ducking beneath the window so as not to be seen. He hoped to get a good view of the situation before going in.

Slowly, he lifted his head slightly to the window, hoping no attention would be drawn to the movement outside. However, as the room inside finally came into full view, an icy feeling started in the pit of his stomach and started to grow, making it hard to breathe. He didn’t need to worry about being seen at all. 

The room was empty. 

In a panic, Eren stepped back, a thousand thoughts rushing through his head. Was he wrong? Where else would they have gone? But then he heard a sound that made the chill already sinking through his chest solidify into ice: a single shout followed immediately by the sound of hooves on the ground, accompanied grinding wheels. 

Desperately, he raced around to the back of the cabin, spotting the wagon the horses were just starting to pull away down a narrow forest road. One big burly man sat up front, driving the carriage, while two others sat in back. The closer Eren got, the more he could make out a mop of raven black hair in the back; a shade of black he’d only ever seen for hair on the dead woman back at the other mountain cabin. It had to be their daughter. He picked up his pace wildly, getting closer and closer as the wagon continued at its steady pace ahead. 

Eren could see the little girl’s face now, pale with hopeless eyes. She was the only one looking behind them as the wagon pulled away, while her captors talked to each other and the driver up front, laughing cruelly. In that moment, time seemed to stand still as Eren’s eyes locked with hers. Where moments before she’d looked as though all her will to live had gone, now her eyes widened at the sight of him, as he waved frantically at her, afraid to shout and draw attention to himself. For the second time that day, he was running so much he felt like his throat was tearing itself apart with every freezing breath, but he didn’t care. He was actually gaining on them, the men up front still not paying enough attention to notice him. He was so close now. He reached out a hand to the girl, but she did not reach back. She couldn’t.

And then they saw him.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

One of the kidnappers appeared, glaring down at Eren. Then his snarl turned into a smirk.

“Get a load of this, guys. This pipsqueak’s here to save the girl!” they all burst into laughter at the sight of the scrawny eight-year-old-boy.

But Eren kept his pace with the wagon, refusing to give in. “Let her go!” he screamed.

“Awwww that’s sweet, but you’re gonna have to find yourself another girlfriend.” The man’s mocking voice devolved into a growl as he reached over the side and pulled Eren up by his collar. Eren choked, struggling uselessly against the man’s hold. He reached for the knife he’d hidden in his pocket, but it fell to the forest floor with a dull thud as the wagon went over a bump. He glanced back at the girl, their eyes meeting again as she watched him in horror. Then the kidnapper began to lift Eren up, and suddenly the name his father had said earlier snapped back into Eren’s mind. 

“Mikasa!” he sputtered. He saw her start slightly as he said it. “Mikasa, I’m going to find you someday. I promise!”

“Sure kid,” the kidnapper drawled, and with that he threw Eren from the wagon to the side of the road, where the little boy lay still. Then the man up front yelled at the horses and shook the reins, and the wagon went careening off down the path, the small girl staring after the lifeless form of the stormy-eyed boy with the maroon scarf until she couldn’t see him anymore.


	2. Light in the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Implied rape in this chapter. I did not go into detail about exactly what Mikasa has been through in order to preserve my own mental state, but just know that she has been through some horrible things and they are implied in this chapter though not explicitly described. It's nothing that I think warranted archive warnings but I still feel the need to put a note in case things like that might be triggering for some readers.

“Girl with a bird she found in the snow  
Then flew up her gown and that’s how she knows  
That God made her eyes for crying at birth  
Then left the ground to circle the earth.”  
~ Iron & Wine, “Boy With A Coin”

~

~12 years later~

Sometimes she wasn’t even sure if she really existed at all. Perhaps she’d only dreamed of a life before this one, for these dark days and nights had stretched out for so long that they seemed like forever. She’d always been here. No time or space, just her. Alone in the dark.

The only way she could tell the difference between day and night was that during the day her nightmares were all in her mind, while at night they became a reality. 

Men came from all over for the “oriental”- the last female left behind the walls of Eastern Asian descent. They idolized her. They fetishized her. They adored her. But she did not adore them. She dreaded the night, and she dreaded the moment she heard the key turn in her cell door to tell her it was time to be marched away to be washed and changed for the clients.

After the first night she’d cried so much she’d passed out due to dehydration. She’d been punished severely for such carelessness, a flogging she still had scars from, and after that she didn’t cry anymore. After a few more nights, she developed a solution, and used it ever since: as they touched her with their filthy, greedy hands and breathed all over her with their putrid breath, she closed her eyes and left. Just left. From the farthest reaches of her memory, the times she wasn’t even sure had ever really existed anymore, she drew images. A sunny day in a garden. Smiling faces laughing with her, teaching her, guiding her. She had to be careful though, for if she went into that space for too long it would end in spatters of blood that would jolt her from the daydream and back to reality. 

But luckily there was one other image to turn to: a boy with stormy blue-green eyes and a maroon scarf. He was running for her, reaching for her, always falling just short. “I’ll find you someday,” he’d promised. And though she knew that the chances of him actually coming were very slim, that the impact of being tossed from the wagon had probably killed him, that for all she knew, after everything she’d been through he might have just been a figment of her imagination anyway, she held onto those words. Believing help was on the way, no matter how futile the belief, was the only way she could keep from falling into the pit of despair she was constantly teetering dangerously at the edge of. She knew how easy it would be to fall in. She knew that the second she stopped fighting she almost certainly would. But she also knew that if she let go, if she allowed herself to fall, there would be no crawling back up. So she kept fighting.

This was how she lived and though she hoped otherwise, she didn’t actually expect anything to change that particular night. She heard the familiar sound of the key in her door and closed her eyes, beginning the process of mentally preparing herself for the night. Her hands were bound behind her with rope whenever she was taken from her cell: a constant reminder that her life was not her own. Her life was theirs. She was led to the washroom to be stripped and roughly scrubbed down by the same burly man who always did so with a terrifying leer, kept only at bay by the guards that remained by the door. None of them were to touch her by orders of the boss. She was to be saved for the clients only. She was slipped into a simple white shift, her hands tied again, and then she was led to the room.

She only had about six regulars because she was the highest priced girl available. She did not know any of her names, nor did she want to. She didn’t want to know anything about them in fact, and she tried her hardest to not see them as people at all; to not even see them as real. They all ran together to her, all smelly, groping, greedy pieces of human waste that were only there for a fantasy. Most of the time they didn’t even cut the ropes from her hands. “I like you better this way,” one had said, her very first night. After that, she’d done all she could to block out his voice, and the voice of every man after. Night after night, she never uttered a word to them and night after night, when the door shut behind her, she closed her eyes and willed herself away so that she could not hear them, feel them, or even see them. 

Tonight was no different. She stood completely still, bracing herself as the client approached her slowly. 

Sunshine and flowers...

Closer and closer.

Gardens and laughter…

He was upon her now, walking behind her to take her forearm.

Bright eyes and red scarves…

And then he cut the ropes. She felt her hands fall to her sides, released from their bonds. She jumped, her eyes popping open in surprise at the unusual occurrence.

“Mikasa?” an urgent voice whispered in her ear. 

The hushed sounds fell on her ear like a strange echo; familiar yet foreign at the same time. Three syllables that she hadn’t heard in many, many years, but that she still knew somehow were hers. The last time she’d heard those syllables, her name, the boy had been calling them to her from the clutches of her captors.

“Mikasa?”

He walked around to face her now, his voice still low. What little moonlight there was making its way through the grimy window fell softly across his face, and even in the dim light, his stormy eyes pierced into her. His eyes that were full of skies and rivers, and leaves on sunny days. The same eyes that had watched her in desperation as she was carried away that day. The eyes that she’d been dreaming about ever since.

She’d gone numb, still not entirely sure he was real. He seemed to be in a similar state of shock. He reached out a tentative, shaking hand to brush her long, tangled hair further out of her face, letting his thumb linger on her cheek as he continued to stare at her intently.

“It is you,” he breathed, The warmth of his touch was sending shockwaves through her, the reality of his presence sinking in more with every second.

“Do you remember me?”

He’d grown so much since then of course. He was so tall now, his body hardened and lean with muscle, his jawline stronger and the bone structure of his face more defined with age, but it was still him all the same. His chestnut hair still fell in a messy mop to his eyes, which burned bright as ever. Slowly, Mikasa nodded.

The boy let out a long sigh, dropping his hands from her face to hang his head. 

“I am so sorry for taking so long to come find you. I hope someday you can forgive me. But for now, this is the most I can do.”

He looked back up at her and pulled a knife from his pocket. Instinctually, Mikasa flinched away from the weapon. 

“No! I’m sorry,” the boy apologized again, realizing too late what a dumb move it had been. “I just mean for you to take it. I can take on most of them by myself but you might need to back me up in the case of an emergency. We’re breaking you out of here.”

Mikasa stared at him, eyes wide as she processed the meaning of his words. Then, she slowly reached out her hand to take the knife he was offering her. The corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly as she did.

“My name is Eren, by the way. Eren Jaeger,” he said, gently taking her other hand in his. “Ready to go?”

~

The guards that had escorted Mikasa were waiting outside as usual, but Eren didn’t even give them time to realize that the door had opened before his glinting knife had darted out to cut them both down in a split second. Mikasa’s stomach gave a lurch as they both crumpled to the floor, but there was no time to process the violence.

“Come on!”

Eren pulled her along with him by the hand as they hurried down the hallway. He must have given the layout of the building a good examination before he infiltrated it because he seemed to know exactly where he was going. Mikasa was thankful for this because she had never been allowed to do any exploring herself. All she knew was this hallway; beyond that her prison was a mystery to her. Eren opened a door towards the end of the hall revealing a staircase beyond. 

“Okay,” he breathed in her ear. “I don’t know exact locations of the other guards from here. Our best bet is to stay quiet and try to take them by surprise.”

Mikasa could feel her heart rate pick up with every step they climbed, and she knew it wasn’t just from nerves. With every step, she knew she was closer to getting out.

Just as the next door was about to open, there was a shout from behind them. Two more men were running at them up the staircase, but Eren was quick yet again. He aimed a well-timed kick at one, sending him sprawling back down to the floor below, then spun to hit the other one as well so that both attackers lay in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Then the boy grabbed Mikasa’s hand and pulled her through the door, slamming it behind them.

“They’ve all probably been alerted by now,” he said over his shoulder as they ran together down another hallway. Within seconds, Mikasa could hear shouts from other parts of the building, seeming to confirm his suspicion. It seemed as though word of her escape was getting out quickly. She felt as though her heart might leap out of her throat and she clung closer to the boy than ever.

Eren paused then in front of another door, but did not open it. He seemed to be doing some quick calculations in his head.

“What is it, Eren?” Mikasa asked, looking over her shoulder behind them. He gave a start, looking over at her, and after a moment of confusion Mikasa realized that those were the first words she’d ever spoken to him. But he shook it off quickly, the gravity of their situation weighing heavily on both of them as the shouts in the distance became more audible.

“There are only a few ways out of here,” he told her. “I’m just trying to figure out which one would be the best to use.”

But their thinking time was cut short yet again as more thugs came careening around the corner, heading straight for them. 

“This way it is!” Eren muttered, and he opened the door in front of them, Mikasa rushing in behind him. But once she saw the room beyond, she felt like ice water had flooded her chest. This hadn’t been the right door to choose at all.

They were in a bar packed with more big scary looking men. Most of them were holding drinks and facing a stage where scantily clad girls danced to a mournful tune, but when Eren entered with Mikasa, many of them diverted their attention to the newcomers. Mikasa felt herself sinking further behind him instinctively, feeling like they’d both shrunk in size. They didn’t stand a chance now.

But rather than run forward and attack, most of them continued to sit and stare, dumbstruck, at them. Eren did not look back at Mikasa, keeping his eyes forward on the room at large, but he moved his hand from hers to take her upper arm instead. In the silence, he began steering her gently behind him as they moved through the crowd. The crowd didn’t seem to know what was going on or why the two of them seemed so out of place so they hung back, no one seeming to want to make the first move. For a fleeting moment, Mikasa thought they might just be able to walk out without a fight, but then from the doorway they’d just come through there came a shout.

“Stop them! She’s getting away!”

A man was standing there, red-faced and panting, pointing straight at Eren and Mikasa.

Almost immediately all hell broke loose. The room exploded with sound as dozens of people began talking and shouting at once. Some men jumped toward Eren and Mikasa, trying to grab at them in a frantic charge. Some men seemed to either not want anything to do with the chase or not have understood what was going on because they were running for the exits. The girls that had previously been dancing on stage ran behind the curtains for refuge. Everyone was tripping and stumbling over each other left and right, and Eren and Mikasa found themselves shaking off reaching hands left and right. 

Soon Eren had his knife out again and was causing more serious damage. He stabbed at men on either side of them, sometimes driving home through their chests and other times just grazing their hands. But then one finally pulled him backwards, causing his grip to loosen on Mikasa’s arm so he almost let go of her, but he held fast, turning to face the adult head on. He did let go of Mikasa then, sending his knife into the most recent attacker’s stomach, only to spin around and take down another man Mikasa hadn’t even seen coming. It was almost mesmerizing to watch the boy fight. He clearly had a gift for hand-to-hand combat; his reflexes were so fast, it was almost as though he could sense where the next thug was going to be before he even saw him. He kept close to Mikasa, circling her in a protective stance that kept their focus mostly on him. That was, until Mikasa felt someone seize her arm again, this time much more roughly than Eren had.

“Eren!” she cried out, but it was too late. Another man, bigger than the rest, had finally managed to take Eren by surprise, grabbing him so that his knife fell to the floor, skittering away. His attacker then twisted him around to pull his arms behind his back and force him to his knees so he could not kick out, and though Eren struggled against the grip, it appeared he’d finally met his match. Meanwhile, the man holding Mikasa spoke.

“This little escape mission is over.” His voice was one of the most bone-chilling sounds Mikasa thought she’d ever heard. When she twisted around in his grip to get a look at him, she failed to repress an outward shudder. 

She’d seen this man but once before, the night he came in to punish her for crying herself sick. His name was Lothar and he was the owner of the entire brothel, the mastermind behind this den of sin and despair. The source of every horrific experience Mikasa had been put through since she arrived. And now he was staring at her again, the most terrifying leer in his eyes, and Mikasa knew it was all over. The abyss was right before her yet again, looming bigger and darker than ever before, and she could feel herself start to fall…

Lothar let out a laugh at the girl’s shudder, throwing her to the ground roughly. Mikasa felt the wind knocked from her lungs for a moment as the room swam, Lothar’s tall form now towering over her. Eren let out a roar of indignation, straining against the man holding him, but still could not break free. 

“This worthless whore thought she could escape from my house!” he called to the room at large, turning his back to address the men who had frozen, staring transfixed at the scene in front of them. “But let this be a lesson to all… NO ONE ESCAPES LOTHAR’S HOUSE.”

And with that he turned to send a swift kick straight into Mikasa’s side, causing her to let out a sharp gasp and involuntary cry of pain. The room spun harder. She thought she felt another kick again, but she’d already begun to shut down. It was like all the sound had been sucked from the room. Blackness started to tinge the edges of her vision, and she knew the abyss was back to take her for good. She should have known the day would come…

But then, a voice cut through, like a single ray of light shining through to pull her back. It sounded distant, as though she were hearing it from underwater. But then she heard it again, clearer this time.

“MIKASA!”

The room was coming back into view now, the blackness beginning to ebb away. And there, brighter than the blackness could ever be, were those same stormy eyes. Those eyes that had kept her hoping all those years, now alight with anger and desperation, as though he was hoping through his own willpower he could make her rise again, make everything okay. And when he realized Mikasa was finally gazing back at him, his eyes got even wider.

“FIGHT!” he yelled.

Dimly, Mikasa realized that Lothar had been continuing to beat her to the encouraging jeers of the onlookers, though her body had grown numb to it. But now he turned his attention on Eren.

“SHUT UP, BOY!” he roared. “You have caused me too much trouble for today.”

In the blink of an eye he’d rounded on Eren, reaching into his coat to produce his own knife. But Eren yelled again, his eyes never leaving Mikasa.

“FIGHT… OR DIE!”

As she continued to regain feeling in her aching body, Mikasa also became increasingly aware of something prodding at her back. Weakly, she reached behind her, and felt the handle of another knife. The knife Eren had given her earlier.

“WIN… AND LIVE!”

It was as though time had temporarily frozen as Mikasa pulled the knife forward to stare at it. She could see the whole scene in front of her about to play out… she had mere seconds before Lothar’s cold blade found Eren’s throat, and here she was, hesitating. But how could she…

But then it was like the room had been put back into regular time, and Eren’s voice was ringing through loud and clear.

“THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS TO FIGHT!”

And then Mikasa was on her feet, clutching Eren’s knife in front of her, though it shook in her hands. Flashes of everything she’d been put through on Lothar’s orders in that godforsaken place were playing in front of her eyes like a film reel. All those years, she’d taken it, taken it because she had no other choice. But she was done now. She was done being the prey. She was done being the one walked all over. She was done being the victim. She realized now: she lived in a cruel world. And it was time to dish some cruelty back.

Her body stopped shaking. She was in full control of herself after that. She felt like she could do anything.

She heard the word “FIGHT!” tear through the air again, and realized this time she was the one crying it out. She charged straight for Lothar and felt the knife drive straight through his chest where she knew his heart was. The room had fallen completely silent. Mikasa felt the warm trickle of blood down her hands and she pulled the knife back out, watching as Lothar fell to the floor in front of her. Her wide eyes met Eren’s, and before anyone could do anything she’d run forward and sliced the neck of the man holding him as well. He fell to the side, lifeless in a pool of blood, and Eren stood up slowly. The rest of the onlookers continue to hang back in a dumbfounded silence. No one seemed to know what to do, with their leader now lying dead on the floor at the hands of the scrawny girl.

Eren ignored all of them. Gently, he reached out to put his hands over Mikasa’s blood-covered ones, which were now shaking again as they held the knife. He gave her a small, grim smile, and whispered, “Let’s go.”

And they walked straight out the front door without another hint of protest.


	3. Rebirth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this took longer to post than I'd originally hoped, but here it is now! Hopefully it's long enough to make up for the wait.

“You walk along the stream  
Your head caught in a waking dream  
Your protector’s coming home  
Coming home.”  
~Fleet Foxes, “Your Protector”

~

Mikasa slept fitfully, her dreams full of mazes of corridors that never seemed to end. Every time she thought she’d found a way out, she found another wall blocking her way instead. And the entire time, she could feel a presence close behind her, always moving in. They were going to catch her. They were going to make sure she’d never leave…

She felt a hand close on her shoulder.

“Mikasa?”

And suddenly she wasn’t in the maze anymore. She was lying in a tangle of white sheets, breathing hard, her long matted hair plastered across her face. It took a minute for the room to come into focus, but the first sight that registered was Eren standing over her, concern etched in the creases around his eyes. She realized it was his hand that she’d felt on her shoulder, but he dropped it away quickly once he realized she was awake, stepping back from her hurriedly as though she might explode.

“You were tossing around in your sleep,” he explained. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Besides, we’ll have to clear out of this room soon anyway.”

Mikasa studied him, puzzled at his demeanor. His eyes were averted now, his head sunk into a half bow, his hands behind his back. She was not at all used to being addressed in such a fashion. She blinked once, trying to figure out how to respond.

“Where are we?” she asked finally, letting her gaze wander around the room now. It was simply decorated, wooden furniture, paneled walls, a single wash basin in the corner. A chair rested against the wall in the corner with a forest green cape draped across the back adorned with an insignia of a pair of wings. Had Eren slept there? Slowly, Mikasa realized she didn’t have much of a memory from the previous night after she and Eren had escaped.

“Just a room at an Inn the next town over,” Eren told her. He’d looked back up at her now, but still seemed unsure of quite what to say. “You kind of… passed out last night after we got out of that shithole. I don’t blame you, I can’t even imagine… well it’s no big deal. I just brought you here because I already had a room rented, I hope it’s okay.”

Mikasa didn’t say anything. The reality of the situation was finally sinking in. She was out. She never had to go back to that place ever again. She was free… but now what? 

“You… brought me here?” she asked, the embarrassment of realizing that meant Eren must have carried her miles and miles to get here also finally sinking in. She felt her cheeks go red.

“Yeah. I hope it’s okay, I mean, I wasn’t sure if you had anywhere else to go and I thought… Do you? Have anywhere you want to go, I mean?”

Dim memories surfaced in Mikasa’s mind: her old home, those happy images of her parents’ smiling faces that felt real to her again now that she was out of the dark. But they’d been killed. She didn’t even know how far she was from that old home. Perhaps it had been cleaned for a new family to live in. Or perhaps it still lay nestled in the hills, abandoned.

“Shiganshina?” she asked, her cracked voice barely a whisper. At the word, a Eren’s eyes grew instantly cloudy. 

“Yeah, well we’d all like to get back there.”

“What do you mean?”

Eren’s shoulders slumped and he was suddenly unable to meet Mikasa’s eyes.

“There’s a lot you need to be filled in on, and we don’t really have time at the moment. You’re welcome to get washed up, and I brought you some clothes to change into,” he gestured to the end of the bed where they were folded. “And then I thought we could go get some food and I’ll… well I’ll fill you in I guess.”

Mikasa nodded, wondering what he could possibly be talking about, but didn’t question it further for the moment. She stood gingerly, feeling the bruises all over her body left from their escape yesterday smart. Almost immediately, she fell back to the bed, wincing. 

“They got you pretty good, didn’t they?” Eren asked. Mikasa had a dim flashback to Lothar kicking her continuously. She nodded.

“It’s okay, we’ll find a stream somewhere for you to wash off. That would probably be nicer for you anyway. We still have to leave though, the owners will be here to kick us out any minute. I only had enough money for one night.”

As he spoke, Eren reached for a brown satchel that had been hanging on the back of the door and put Mikasa’s new clothes inside, slinging it over his shoulder. Then he picked up the green cape hanging over the chair and fastened it around his neck. Once ready, he turned back to Mikasa, holding out his hand.

“Just lean on me.”

Gingerly, Mikasa tried to rise again. Almost immediately her legs began to shake, threatening to give way once more, but Eren caught her around the waist so that she fell against him instead. Like a reflex, she reached out and held onto him, letting his steady support help her find her ground. She took a step, then another.

“See? You’re going to be okay.”

Mikasa didn’t say anything, but rather looked away hoping she wouldn’t see her cheeks beginning to tinge with red as they left the room.

As they made their way to the front desk so Eren could return the room key, Mikasa’s brain was quickly getting over its exhaustion and starting to grind back into motion again. All she’d known of the world for years now had been that dark cell and the dark room down the hall. All she’d known of men had been that they were cruel creatures who cared nothing about her except what they could get from her. All she’d known of herself was a constant struggle to keep breathing. And all at once everything had changed.

Perhaps it was still the shock that was keeping reality from truly sinking in, but Mikasa was struggling with how to feel about it all. She knew, logically, that she should be happy. But Eren’s reaction when she brought up Shiganshina let her know that the world she’d left and the world she was about to re-enter weren’t the same world, and that thought made her extremely uneasy.

One by one, truth after truth was starting to fully resonate with her. She’d murdered two people last night. She was a killer now. Would she have to go to jail? Perhaps that was where Eren really planned to take her. She cast a sidelong glance at the boy she was so heavily leaning on, and it felt like she was looking at him with new eyes. What did she really know about him anyway? Not much. She’d spent so many years romanticizing him but now that she thought about it, the only conclusion she could make about him was that he was from Shiganshina as well, and even that she couldn’t be sure about. He could be a serial killer; he’d certainly seemed to know his way around a knife last night, after all. He could want to kidnap her to use her for his own purposes. Perhaps he wanted his own personal whore.

Mikasa flashed back to her dark cell and shuddered, almost overwhelmed by the horror of being trapped in a similar situation again. 

“You okay?” Eren asked. He’d paused in the middle of the hall they’d been walking down and was looking at her with concern. “You just… shook a little bit.”

Mikasa hadn’t realized her shudder had been outward. She nodded at him silently, but continued to regard him with apprehension. He seemed to decide to let it go, and started walking again, not saying anything more.

Slowly, Mikasa felt her heart rate began to even out. As the momentary panic subsided, her logic began to resurface. If Eren really wanted to trap her again, wouldn’t he have kept moving with her? He wouldn’t have wanted to stop at a public inn, where everyone would bear witness to them together in broad daylight. No, it didn’t make sense. For the time being, she decided it was safe to stay with him, but that she should remain on her guard: a daunting thought when she still felt so physically exhausted.

When they finally got to the front desk, the innkeeper gave them a strange glance and Mikasa realized how odd the pair of them must look: an unkempt girl in a dirty white dress barely being held on her feet with the help of the handsome young man who clearly held some kind of a place of importance in the world. The innkeeper eyed Eren’s green cloak with what seemed to be a mix of reverence and suspicion. Eren thanked him for the service and when they finally turned to leave Mikasa was glad to get away from his scrutinizing gaze.

~

The sunlight outside felt wonderful on Mikasa’s face, but the stares of the other people on the streets did not. They all looked at them the same way the innkeeper had, making Mikasa wish she could make herself invisible. This was not at all how she’d ever pictured re-entering the real-world. 

Eren, on the other hand, seemed unperturbed by the stares. He just kept his eyes straight ahead, his arm around Mikasa’s waist, taking careful steps to make sure he was still supporting her extra weight. Mikasa was starting to wonder if he could see the wandering eyes of the villagers at all, when he muttered to her under his breath,

“Ignore them.”

Mikasa felt her cheeks flush again, though she wasn’t sure why. She spent the rest of their short walk to the tavern with her eyes to the ground, refusing to meet anyone else’s gaze again.

~

The lighting inside the tavern was dim, unlike the harsh glare of the outside world. Eren led Mikasa to a booth nestled in the corner and helped her into her bench before seating himself across from her. 

“Get anything you want. It’s on me. Or... I guess it’s on the Survey Corps but same thing basically.”

As she stared at the menu it dawned on Mikasa just how hungry she was. Suddenly everything looked good. She had to restrain herself from ordering it all when their order was taken, and when the food came she dug into mashed potatoes and chicken and rolls like there was no tomorrow. 

Eren’s brow knit as he watched her.

“How much did they feed you there?”

Mikasa paused, chewing her food slower and swallowing as she looked up at him. She didn’t have to ask where he meant.

“Not much. One meal a day, at most. And it was nothing very substantial. Just enough to keep me alive.”

Eren’s fist clenched tighter around his fork as she spoke. “Bastards,” he muttered, closing his eyes, willing himself to remain calm.

“What’s going to happen to that place?” Mikasa asked. Eren continued to glare at his food, which he had yet to touch.

“I called the Military Police last night, and they raided the place. They arrested as many of the men as they could and got the rest of the imprisoned girls out.”

“The Military Police?”

“Yeah, I’m a soldier too so it wasn’t hard to get ahold of them.”

“If you had a way to call back-up, why didn’t you bring them in the first place?”

It was Eren’s turn for his cheeks to flush red.

“What?” Mikasa asked.

“I just wanted to get you myself. Maybe it was stupid, but I didn’t realize there’d be quite that many of them. And I don’t really trust the Military Police, honestly. I mean, I’m sure the rest of the girls that were there will be fine, but I just… I don’t know.”

Mikasa wasn’t quite sure what he meant, but the question she really wanted to ask was still weighing heavily on her so she decided to let it go.

“And… what about, you know, Lothar?”

The part she’d left unsaid hung in the air: The man I killed.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Eren dismissed, waving a hand. “He was wanted already. You basically just did the police’s job for them. No one’s going to press charges.”

Mikasa frowned. That didn’t seem quite right. What kind of society had she re-entered? But then again, she thought, probably the same kind of society where a place like her prison could have existed in the first place. She ripped off another piece of bread with her teeth.

“So.., about Shiganshina,” Eren began slowly, not seeming to know how to progress with the sentence. “They didn’t fill you in on much back at that place, did they?”

Mikasa shook her head.

“Do you know about the Titans?”

To most who lived behind the walls, this question might have seemed ridiculous. The Titan threat loomed over them all constantly, shadowing their daily lives with fear that they could be exterminated any second. But it was not a strange question to Mikasa.

She chewed her food thoughtfully, thinking back. Her parents had mentioned them in passing, but had never elaborated on them in much detail. They always spoke about them in fear, and Mikasa’s mother had warned her to never venture outside the walls, or else they would eat her like the villain in some sort of twisted fairytale. But that was all such strange, unseen creatures had seemed to her: a fairytale.

“I know that they’re the reason that we live behind the walls and I know they’re very big and very dangerous,” Mikasa told Eren finally.

“But you don’t know what they’ve done recently?”

Mikasa blinked at him slowly, what was still left of her food lying neglected on the plate.

“I thought… I thought no one inside the walls had seen one in over a hundred years.”

Eren’s face was deathly serious now, his eyes turned to stone.

“Yeah, that was the case before you were taken,” he was suddenly unable to meet Mikasa’s eyes again. “But… well a few years later, they broke through the walls. And they took down Wall Maria first.”

His fists had rolled into tight balls again. Mikasa watched him with wide eyes, feeling like an invisible hand had taken hold of her windpipe and wouldn’t let go.

“I’m from Shiganshina too. My father was the local doctor.”

At his words, something stirred in Mikasa’s memory. “That will be doctor Jaeger…” those were her father’s last words before he received a knife to the gut. They were supposed to be there that day. They must have been the first to come across the gory scene later. That must have been how he’d known… And all these years he’d just seemed like a miracle that had come out of no where. Eren kept speaking.

“I was there, the day they took Wall Maria. The level of destruction was enormous. A lot of people died. I lost my own mother to one of those things.”

He didn’t seem to even know where he was anymore as he spoke these words. He was back in time, in that moment, seeing it all flash again before his eyes. Mikasa knew that look. She knew it because she’d felt it many times before. Without thinking, she reached out to gently touch his hand. 

“I’m sorry.”

Eren blinked a little in confusion, then seemed to come back to the present. Mikasa pulled her hand away again quickly, but Eren gave her a small smile.

“Thanks. Anyway, ever since that day the Titans have been moving further and further inside the walls. We’re behind the second-to-last wall now. Rose and Sheena still stand, but we’ve still had some major cut-downs in space. Unfortunately, when the Titans attack, there are also cut-downs in population numbers. We lost nearly 20% of humanity.”

“So… my old house?” Mikasa whispered. But she already knew the answer.

“Even if they didn’t crush it, it will have been abandoned for years. Maybe even caving in on itself by now.”

Mikasa nodded slowly. “It’s not like there was anything left for me there anyway,” she muttered. “But… that means I really have no where to go.”

“That’s actually what I wanted to propose to you,” Eren said, his eyes sparking back up again, the stone starting to chip away. “There are some of us who fight to reclaim the world for humanity. We go outside the walls and face the Titans directly. We’re planning a mission back to Shiganshina even now, because we have a lead to some answers about the true source of the Titans!”

Eren spoke faster and faster, his eyes fully lit up now.

“I can’t promise you safety all the time. In fact a lot of people think going outside the walls at all means certain death. But I saw you with that knife last night, and I know you’ve got it in you. I think you could be a damn good titan slayer.”

“But I… All I did was…” Mikasa stared at her hands, remembering what it had felt like to have blood running down them. 

“Look,” Eren said gently, and she looked back up at him in a daze. He gave her a small smile. “I’ve been at this for awhile. I’m not the best in the Corps, but I’m not the worst either, and I’ve seen what it takes to survive out there. It’s a lot more than just skill. It’s drive and heart and a shit-ton of willpower. You’ve got all that in you, I know it. That’s what I saw yesterday. You’re not someone who gives up.”

Mikasa had never really thought about herself that way. Years of fighting not to fall into hopelessness, but she had merely considered it a survival tactic. She thought of the rage that had coursed through her as she’d driven the knife into her captors. Then she thought of her morning: the stares of the innkeeper and other people in the streets. The mental image of her house lying in shambles somewhere, possibly run down by Titans. She’d escaped captivity, so why didn’t she feel free yet?

“So… What do you say?” Eren was watching her closely, his gaze unfaltering. Mikasa took a deep breath, then finally looked up to meet his eyes.

“I’ll do it.”

~

Thanks to the food, Mikasa’s strength had returned by the time she and Eren stood to leave the Tavern.  
She walked outside on her own two feet, no longer needing to lean on the boy that remained by her side. 

She didn’t need to worry about ignoring any stares from other pedestrians this time because her head was spinning too much to pay attention. She only looked up when Eren spoke for the first time since they’d left.

“So we’re pretty much going to have to walk from here, think you’re up for it? It’ll just take us a couple days.”

Mikasa nodded.

“You okay?” Eren asked.

Mikasa nodded again. But then Eren stopped walking abruptly, causing Mikasa to pause as well in confusion, the rhythm of their steps broken. She turned to look at him. His hand twitched as though he wanted to reach out for her, but he held back, instead just locking her gaze in his as he stared at her fiercely.

“You don’t have to do this, you know that, right? You could go anywhere you want now. I know I talked us up back there and I really do think you’d be great at this, but only do this if you want to, okay? I don’t want to drag you into anything you don’t want to do.”

Mikasa stared at him, this boy with his eyes alight, giving her a choice for the first time in her life. He was so off-putting for her. But as she watched him, somehow she knew he meant it. It scared her that she could possibly know anything without having proof first, that logically she should be questioning everything he said, that still he was technically a stranger… And yet she couldn’t deny that she did. For some inexplicable reason, he didn’t seem like a stranger at all.

“Eren… This is what I want to do. I think it’s what I need to do. I’ve spent the majority of my life locked away in a prison, only to escape and realize the world beyond is merely a bigger prison. I’m tired of being locked away.”

Eren regarded her for a moment longer.“You’re sure?”

“Yes!” Mikasa could feel exasperation starting to seep into her tone, but Eren finally seemed satisfied.

“Okay then.” He turned back around and they resumed their walk side by side down the road again, heading out of town.

“I’m… I mean…” Eren stuttered. “I… think this will be good. For, you know, everybody.”

He was so strange.

~

“It should be around here somewhere…”

“Didn’t you just walk past it a few days ago?”

“Yeah, but it’s not where I thought it was.”

“It’s a big stream running through a forest, how is it this hard to find?”

“I don’t know, you tell me! Do you know any nature tricks to figure out where water is?”

“Can’t say I’ve gotten out much in the past few years to pick up water tracking techniques, honestly.”

Eren stopped dead in his tracks, glancing back at Mikasa, a few paces behind him.

“Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Silence fell between them again. They’d been traipsing through the forest beyond the town they’d just left for almost an hour now, and yet still they’d been unable to find the stream Eren had promised for Mikasa. And of course with every step Mikasa couldn’t help becoming increasingly aware of how much she wanted to find a stream now. Since she’d eaten and gotten rid of the gnawing feeling in her stomach, she’d started to notice the rest of her discomfort. She still had dried blood in random places all over her body. Her hair was caught in matted tangles that disgusted her just to feel. Everything about her prison was still etched onto her, claiming her even though she’d escaped.

“I think it might be this way…” Eren was saying, but a different sound caught Mikasa’s ears. She turned, following it, and the closer she got the more she could tell: it was the sound of rushing water.

“Where are you going?” Eren called, not having realized Mikasa was no longer with him until she was quite a few paces away. But Mikasa only increased her speed, the sound of the water beckoning, propelling her forward. And then, suddenly, she’d broken through the trees into a clearing in the middle of the forest.

The source of the rushing sound was coming from a small waterfall spilling over the edge of a rock formation beyond, emptying into a pool where the water spread out, only to branch out into another stream flowing away in the opposite direction. It was one of the most welcome sights Mikasa had ever seen.

“Hey, you found it!” Eren came stumbling up behind her, his feet crunching through the twigs on the ground loudly. Mikasa strode forward silently, entranced by the falling water. She knelt at the pool’s edge, letting her fingers slide into its cool welcoming depths, watching as the blood that encrusted her fingernails already began to fall off, swept away down the river forever. She reached to take off her old dirty dress, ready to be rid of it.

“Whoa! Whoa, just wait a second!” Eren cried, turning away from her quickly, though Mikasa could see the tips of his ears turning red. For a moment she’d forgotten he was there. She paused.

“I’ll just… I’ll keep watch from over here. Here are the clothes you can change into,” he set them down on a rock safely out of the way of the water. Then he walked over to sit on a rock a few feet away from the pool, facing away from Mikasa.

“I won’t look, I promise!” he called.

Mikasa stared at his back for a moment, puzzled. It had been a long time since a man had averted his eyes at the thought of her nudity. She’d grown so used to being bathed by the pigs who worked in her prison, disrobed at the hands of her clients whenever they pleased, every inch of her constantly under someone else’s control. Now Eren sat, determinedly facing away, ears red, promising not to look. It seemed very important to him too: not looking. 

“Why?” Mikasa called to him. He turned around incredulously.

“Why what?”

“Why aren’t you going to look?”

Eren blinked at her for a second more, dumbfounded. “Do you… want me to look?”

Mikasa pondered this for a moment, looking down at her still-clothed body.

“No.”

“Okay,” Eren said, giving her a nod and turning away again. “That’s why.”

There it was again: a choice. Mikasa was still pondering it as she finally did slide off her dress and slip her full form into the pool. The water felt amazing. A little cold, perhaps, but the chill felt like a caress on her sore muscles, waking them up. It was the most alive she’d felt in a long time. She rubbed at the dirt, blood, and grime plastered everywhere and watched as it all washed away little by little, revealing the pale skin beneath to the sunlight. Then she took a deep breath and submerged herself fully in the water, the world going silent around her.

It was as though time stopped beneath the surface. Mikasa opened her eyes carefully. The world around her was hazy; nothing ever really coming into focus except for her own form. She could see her hair spreading out around her, dark tendrils floating lazily upward. She looked down and saw herself, every inch of herself, bruised and sun-deprived but very much there. Real when nothing else was. She held up one of her hands and gazed at it. It was so clean, the blood of her captors having all washed away, but she knew the power it held now. Eren may have handed her the knife, but she’d slain her demons herself. This hand was hers again. This body was hers again. 

And then her head broke the surface, her lungs filling with air, and she was back in the sunlight.

~

 

After Mikasa had bathed to her heart’s content, she’d gotten out and put on the clothes Eren had bought for her. It was just a simple sweater and skirt, but the fabric was soft and felt nice against her skin. Then they’d spent most of the rest of the day walking, continuing to make their way through the forests, until it started to grow dark and Eren suggested they find a place to camp for the night.

“We should be able to make it back to headquarters tomorrow, but for that to happen we need to be well-rested. No use stumbling around in the dark.”

Mikasa was relieved to hear it. Most of their walk for the rest of the day had been uphill, and she was starting to grow tired. And so they found an overlook spot at the edge of a cliff where they could see far out over the valley and forests beyond, just in time to watch the last beautiful colors of the sunset disappear over the horizon. 

“It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten to see the sunset,” Mikasa breathed. Eren didn’t say anything, she noticed. She glanced over at him and caught him doing the same thing to her out of the corner of his eye. He blinked and turned his head away quickly.

“Well I’m glad you get to see it now,” was all he said.

Eren started setting down blankets, finally pulling out some bread and apples and handing them to Mikasa. She accepted gratefully, hunger having started to twinge at her again as they’d walked all day. 

They sat in silence for awhile, eating and gazing at the horizon before them. The stars were starting to appear one by one and the moon. big and bright tonight, was visible. Neither seemed to know what to say. It appeared they’d exhausted all small-talk topics throughout the day.

“So…” Eren began, exhaling through the word. But he trailed off.

“You can ask me about it, you know.”

“No, really, you don’t have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just… whenever I think about all those years, and you were there, and I didn’t get there until yesterday and I just… Damn it, I just wish it hadn’t taken so long for my contacts to hunt you down. I wish I’d known where to start looking myself. No, I just wish I’d gotten there in time that day before. None of this should have happened.” 

His eyes were extremely bright now, and fixed on the sky above. He couldn’t look at her.

“Why do you care so much anyway?" Mikasa asked. The question had been nagging at her. "You don't even know me."

Eren turned to fix her gaze with his. 

"Nobody should have to go through what you went through. Nobody."

Mikasa felt something clench in her throat and looked away from him quickly. She could feel tears starting to pool in her eyes, but now was not the time to show weakness. She blinked hard, willing them away fiercely, shivering inadvertently in the night air that was starting to develop a chill in the sun's absence. She heard Eren stand up next to her and walk away. Perhaps he'd seen her tears. He was probably disgusted. But then a minute later she felt him back at her side again and looked up in surprise. He was sitting next to her, holding out a maroon piece of cloth.

"You seemed cold. My mom made this for me. It's one of the last things I have left from her, but I want you to have it."

Eren unfolded the cloth, revealing it to be a long scarf, which he proceeded to wrap carefully around Mikasa's neck a few times. She could feel it trap the heat instantly like an embrace around her.

"It's warm, isn't it?" Eren asked, giving her the smallest of smiles. 

Mikasa didn't know what to say. She could feel tears starting to well up in her eyes again, but this time she let them fall openly, burying her face in the soft fabric of the scarf.

"Hey... It's going to be okay," Eren murmured quietly, reaching out an arm and putting it tentatively around her shoulders. Mikasa let him. And even though she knew deep down that he had no room to be making promises like that, that now nothing about the future could be set in stone, she leaned into him, letting herself feel safe for just a moment. Safe with this boy that she'd only known for a day yet that she somehow felt like she'd known for much longer. Safe for the first time since she'd been ripped from her home so many years ago.

“Tomorrow we’re going home,” Eren promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone who has read/is reading. Seriously, every hit means so much to me. I hope you'll stick around for next chapter because I'm going to start bringing the rest of the crew into the mix! Also I'm going to start having more time off from work as the month progresses so hopefully I'll be able to start posting more frequently. That's it for now, all feedback is appreciated~


	4. Threshold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I am very sorry for updating much later than I initially intended, but I’m here now! One of my excuses for things that interrupted my writing in May was that I spent a good 5 days or so marathon-reading the Attack On Titan manga, so I’m all caught up now! I’ve taken down the previous disclaimer I had saying that I hadn’t read it yet. I’m really glad I read it to because first of all it’s just really good, but it also helped me get a clearer picture of where exactly I want to go with all of this! Plus I feel more comfortable deviating from the source material now that I know what exactly I’m deviating from. So I’ll stop rambling now, without further ado…

“I have sent for a warrior  
From on my knees  
Make me a Hercules  
I was meant to be  
A warrior please  
Make me a Hercules.”  
~Sara Bareilles, “Hercules”  
~

Mikasa woke up first the next morning. She blinked her eyes for a moment, the canopy of trees above her coming into focus. The sky peeking through them was already starting to glow faintly with the first rays of morning sun. She sat up, glancing over at Eren, still sleeping soundly on his blanket a few feet away from hers, then picked up the scarf she’d folded and put on the blanket beside her while she slept so she could wind it carefully around her neck again. 

She stood quietly, trying not to wake Eren, but paused for a moment to let her gaze linger. He looked so different in his sleep. From the day she’d spent with him, she could already tell he wasn’t a person one would usually describe as peaceful, but as he slept that was exactly how he looked: angelic, almost. The hard lines that creased his eyes most of the time were smoothed out, and his breathing was calm, his chest rising and falling at an even pace. An odd feeling came over Mikasa in that moment, a strange sort of warmth spreading from her chest. She felt it reach her cheeks and turned away quickly, giving her head a shake, chiding herself inwardly for staring. 

Mikasa turned her focus back to the initial thought she'd had when getting up. She crept quietly out of the clearing where they'd set up camp, looking around for another lookout spot along the perimeter like the one where they'd watched the sunset the night before. Finally she found a nice one facing East, further away than she'd hoped but not far enough that she couldn't find her way back. She'd arrived just in time too, as the sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon.

Seeing the first sunrise of her new life should be just as important as watching the first sunset, Mikasa had decided. Sunrises had completely different feelings than sunsets, of course: they were the beginnings, the new chances. They were pastels and cool breezes and singing birds and everything that Mikasa was basking in as she stood on the cliff's edge. She closed her eyes and breathed in slowly.

Today was the day.

Eren had called the Survey Corps "home" but Mikasa remained doubtful. Eren's kindness bordered on unnatural based off of most of the other people Mikasa had interacted with, and she sincerely doubted everyone else would be as accepting as he'd been so far. Excitement and anxiety were starting to twist uncomfortably in her stomach the more she thought about it, the two emotions at war with each other. Suddenly the sunrise didn't look quite as beautiful.

She was just starting to feel slightly dizzy when a sudden shout jerked her out of her spiraling thoughts.

"There you are!"

Eren came charging out of the trees, out of breath, his sudden appearance causing Mikasa to give a start. She felt her foot slip behind her, and suddenly the world was slipping away and all she saw was the sky. In that moment, everything felt like it had gone into slow motion. Her brain was having trouble processing anything at all.

Am I… falling?

But the reality began to hit as her stomach dropped out and her heart began to race. All she knew for a blinding moment was panic- a scraping, sliding noise, and then the world was jerking back to a halt as Eren’s hand closed around hers. Everything righted itself again, and for the second time in two days she was falling into him. But this time, the force of him pulling her sent them both falling back the other way, Mikasa landing on top of Eren with a sickening thud. She pulled her head up and found herself staring directly into his piercing eyes, inches away.

They froze that way for a moment, staring at each other and breathing hard in shock.

“Sorry,” Eren said finally, his voice nearly at a whisper. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I just… I woke up and you weren’t there.”

Mikasa stared at him for one more breathless moment before she finally came back to her senses. She hurriedly scrambled back off Eren like he’d burned her, feeling like her face actually was burning

“No I'm sorry!” she exclaimed. “You just surprised me.”

Eren smiled, standing up and offering a hand out to pull her up too, which she accepted.

"Seriously, you don't need to be sorry. It's my fault, I'm the one who nearly scared you over a cliff. What were you doing out here anyway?"

Mikasa glanced back out at the view but the sun was completely over the hill now, the morning colors in the sky gone.

"I was just watching the sunrise."

Eren nodded like he knew exactly why she'd want to do so.

"Think you're ready to head out soon? We're only a couple hours away from headquarters."

Mikasa took a deep breath and nodded back, her stomach lurching uncomfortably again.

"Don't worry too much," Eren said, trying to put on another encouraging smile. But Mikasa did not miss that this one didn't look nearly as convincing. "It's going to be fine."

~

"Headquarters" for the Survey Corps turned out to be an old castle just outside of Wall Rose. As it emerged into view from between the trees, Mikasa's breath caught for just a moment. 

"Kinda nice, isn't it?" Eren asked, watching the amazed look on her face with amusement. 

They'd almost freed themselves of the forest but Eren stopped suddenly, causing Mikasa to do the same behind him. He glanced back at her, putting a finger to his lips as a signal to be quiet. Mikasa obeyed, and in seconds she heard it too: footsteps coming their way, accompanied by voices. Every inch of Eren was on edge, listening with the utmost focus, until Mikasa saw him visibly relax and break into a smile.

"Armin!" he called, starting towards the voices now. Mikasa paused, unsure whether to follow.

"Eren?" one of the voices shouted. It was soon followed by another one, this one much less friendly-sounding.

"Jaeger?"

"Oh great," Mikasa heard Eren mutter under his breath. But he raised his voice to answer again. "One and the same! How goes it, horse-face?"

And finally two men were crashing through the trees to meet them, each carrying a pile of chopped wood. One was shorter with a kind face and blonde hair, and the other was tall with a longer face that was currently crunched into a scowl.

"I thought we were done with the horse-face thing. And where have you been?! You've been gone for three days!"

"We're never going to be done with the horse-face thing. And I had an... Errand to run."

Eren turned to look at Mikasa, and for the first time the two newcomers took notice of her. Mikasa watched both of their eyes go wide.

"Guys... This is Mikasa. She's going to join the Corps. Mikasa, this is Armin," he gestured to the blond boy, "and Jean," he gestured to the other. "But you can call him horse-face."

"No she- don't call me- would you grow up, Jaeger?" Jean growled, his face turning deep scarlet. "And what do you mean she's joining up? Recruitment was weeks ago, and no one wanted to join. As usual..."

"Eren..." Armin started gently, his face creased with worry. "Where did you find her?" 

"Does it matter?" Eren challenged, suddenly disgruntled.

"A little! The Captain already isn't happy with how you just took off. And well... I didn't know you were going to bring her with you..."

"You knew about this?" Jean asked, glaring at Armin suspiciously, but both other men ignored him.

"I don't really care what the Captain thinks," Eren said, emphasizing the word "captain" derisively. "She's staying."

Armin sighed, shaking his head at his friend's stubborn streak. "I hope you're right."

Mikasa didn’t know what to say about any of this. She wished she could sink through the forest floor or float away in the sky, just be anywhere else than that very spot at the moment. But Armin finally seemed to take notice of her discomfort and his worry lines softened as he smiled at her.

“I’m sorry Mikasa, I didn’t mean to make you feel unwelcome. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah,” Jean intercut quickly. “It’s really nice to meet you…”

There was something in the taller man's gaze that made Mikasa very uneasy. It wasn't anything openly menacing or threatening, but nevertheless it made her want to hide herself, get as far away from him as possible. She'd seen that look before. 

"You okay?" Eren's voice whispered in her ear, and she jumped a little, realizing she'd reached for his arm without realizing. She let it drop quickly the second her action had registered with her, but he and the other two men were all still looking at her with concern. Thinking she was probably just imagining things, Mikasa gave herself an inward shake.

"Yes, I'm fine," she said finally, relieved to hear her voice come out without even a quiver. "Sorry. It's nice to meet both of you as well." 

She nodded at both Jean and Armin in turn. They still looked very confused at her stricken reaction to Jean but did not say anymore on the matter.

"We should probably get inside," Armin said. "Like I said, Eren, the Captain isn't happy with you at all."

"Whatever," Eren scoffed, sending a small smile Mikasa's way. "He can bring it on."

~

The Survey Corps headquarters was not as fancy as the castle’s exterior might suggest. In fact it was relatively plain, Mikasa observed as they walked through the front doorway. There were no decorations adorning the walls or the floors. She did notice, however, that everything was incredibly neat; there wasn’t a speck of dust to be seen, even in the furthest corners of the halls.

“It’s not much, but it’s been home for awhile now,” Eren said, noticing Mikasa’s surveying gaze.

Jean and Armin broke off to go put their firewood in the bin out back, but Armin glanced back worriedly from halfway down the hall.

“Good luck! I’ll come find you guys in a little bit.”

When they’d gone, Eren motioned for Mikasa to keep following him.

“We’re going to have to deal with Levi at some point anyway, might as well get it over with.”

“Who’s Levi?”

“The Captain. We’re his squad, technically, so he calls the shots. But don’t worry, just be yourself and you’ll be fine. He’ll see what I see in you, I know it.”

Mikasa blinked at him. Be herself? She still wasn’t even sure what it meant to “be herself,” but she let the matter go, trying to believe in Eren’s confidence. She took a few deep breaths, willing her racing heart to settle down.

Levi’s office door was open when they approached it, and the man inside was not at all what Mikasa had expected. He was sitting at the desk but not facing it, instead facing the window behind it, propping his feet up in the opening. It wasn’t at all the kind of professional pose she would have thought to find a Captain in. And he wasn’t even doing any work, just sitting there, clicking the tips of his shiny black boots lazily, not having noticed them walk up.

“Captain,” Eren said finally, announcing their presence. Slowly, Levi turned his head to the side while hardly even moving the rest of his body, like a strange overgrown owl. The way Armin had talked outside, Mikasa half expected some sort of explosion from the Captain the minute he so much as caught a glimpse of Eren, but as he took in their appearance his eyes betrayed nothing. He merely swung his legs down from the window and stood up, his entire face deadpan, and that was when Mikasa realized just how short he was.

“Where have you been?” he asked, directing the question to Eren. His voice was just as dead as his eyes, not betraying a hint of emotion of any kind. It sent a chill down Mikasa’s spine, and suddenly she understood why Armin had looked so intimidated at the thought of the Captain’s anger. 

“I’ve brought us a new recruit,” Eren said, motioning for Mikasa to step forward. She did so, trying to hold her head high under Levi’s scrutinizing gaze. Levi didn’t say a word or so much as lift an eyebrow as he took in Mikasa’s appearance. She’d cleaned up and looked much neater now, but she knew she still probably looked scrawny and malnourished, a fact she tried not to look worried about.

Finally, Levi muttered, “Jaeger, we need to talk. Alone.”

Eren tensed, stepping closer to Mikasa. “No! Whatever you need to say to me you can say in front of her too.”

“No,” Levi said, hardly raising his voice at all yet letting Eren know with the cold finality of his tone that the matter was non-negotiable. “I can’t.”

Eren looked like he was about to argue more nevertheless, so Mikasa cut in quickly.

“It’s okay, Eren. I can just wait outside.”

Eren sighed, his shoulders slowly slumping in surrender as he met her gaze.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “We’ll call you back inside to join again in a minute, I promise.”

Levi said nothing to confirm or deny, so Mikasa just turned and left, shutting the door firmly behind her.

~

“What the hell was that about? You hardly even talked to her!” Eren rounded on Levi the second Mikasa had gone, his blood boiling.

“Eren, you have been gone for three days. Not a word to anyone where you went. If anyone in the higher ranks knew we’d lost track of you like this they’d throw you right back in that dungeon or worse, you know that right?”

“I was careful! Even the Military Police didn’t catch on to me.”

“You talked to the Military Police?”

“In… disguise…”

Levi couldn’t stop an eyeroll, which ruffled Eren even more.

“You really are an idiot.”

“What was I supposed to do? I knew you and Erwin wouldn’t let me go if I asked.”

“So you shouldn’t have gone!”

A faint growl finally creeped its way into Levi’s tone now, the first time since they’d walked in that his voice had gone anywhere beyond its usual deadpan. Eren felt a small twinge of satisfaction. Sometimes Levi’s incessantly indifferent exterior was infuriating.

“I’m not a kid anymore, I shouldn’t even have to ask you guys for permission with everything I do anyway.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed. “You know why we have these rules. You’re not just another member of the squad, Eren. You’re carrying a lot more than just your own life on your shoulders. Or had you forgotten?”

Eren lowered his eyes a little, grinding his teeth in frustration. He knew Levi was right. Levi was almost always right. It pissed him off.

“No. I haven’t.”

Levi regarded him coldly. “Good. I’m not saying it’s easy to shoulder your weight, but you don’t have any other choice. If you pull this shit again I won’t have any choice but to send out my own search parties for you, and you don’t want that. So why in fuck’s sake was it so important to you to bring that girl back here?”

“Well I wasn’t exactly always planning to bring her-”

“And yet you show up with her, no military training whatsoever, and just expect me to put her on the squad, no questions asked?”

“Well not exactly, but if you’d just let her show you-”

“Eren I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking but that girl-”

“HER NAME IS MIKASA!” Eren shouted, having reached his breaking point, tired of hearing Levi refer to her like she was some stain he’d gotten on his favorite white handkerchief. Levi finally shut up, staring at him. Eren took a few deep breaths, letting the silence in the room ring satisfactorily for a second.

“Stop calling her ‘that girl.’ Her name is Mikasa Ackerman.”

Levi froze at that. Eren could see something pass behind the Captain’s dark eyes, though he didn’t know what exactly it was or what had triggered it.

“Bring her back in,” Levi ordered.

~

Once back outside of the Captain’s office, Mikasa slumped against the wall dejectedly. There was no way that man was going to let her stay here, she could tell just looking at his expression. What was she going to do now? She buried her face in her scarf, trying to quell the tremors that were starting to course through her at the thought of having to be on her own again. Maybe Eren had only been there for a couple of days now but she was starting to get so used to him…

“Mikasa? Are you okay?”

She started and looked up to find Armin standing over her looking worried again.

“Armin! I…”

But her voice trailed off as her eyes shifted back to the closed doorway. She could hear raised voices talking from within now, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Armin’s gaze followed Mikasa’s, his eyes widening as he began to hear the remnants of the argument as well. He sighed and shook his head.

“I tried to warn him… But of course he never listens.”

Armin sank down next to Mikasa against the hard stone wall.

“It’s okay. I’ll wait with you.”

Mikasa blinked at him. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Maybe not, but I’d like to. Unless you want to be alone?” he gave her a small smile. She regarded him for a moment longer before shaking her head in answer.

“Yeah, I kind of figured.”

Silence fell between them again as Mikasa went back to trying to make out words in the mess of voices drifting through the doorway, but it was no use.

“Eren really doesn’t seem to like the Captain, does he?” she observed aloud. Armin leaned his head back against the wall, looking up thoughtfully.

“It wasn’t always like that. When we were kids, Eren really looked up to Levi. He always wanted to join the Survey Corps, and Levi was his hero. For a long time after we first joined up, Eren had nothing but respect for Levi. But over the last few years, things have gotten a little more… tense. It’s kind of hard to explain… they’ve just… they’ve had some disagreements about some pretty important things. And Levi’s the boss so he usually wins out, and Eren doesn’t like that.”

Mikasa didn’t press Armin for more details. She could tell from his halting speech that he wasn’t telling the full story, but she didn’t want to get him in trouble by making him tell her more than he was allowed. Instead, she changed the subject.

“And you… are you a close friend of Eren’s?”

Armin’s smile returned then.

“We grew up together, back in Shiganshina. He’s been my best friend as long as I can remember. He was the only one who ever defended me when I was getting bullied by other kids. Sure, he usually just wound up getting himself beaten up too, but it was nice to know someone cared enough to try and stick up for me. We were in Shiganshina together when the Titans attacked, we moved to the interior together when we were all forced to evacuate, and then we joined the military together,” Armin sighed again, his voice suddenly heavy. “He’s like a brother to me. And I guess once you’ve lost all the rest of your family, you do all you can to hang on to what you’ve still got left, you know?”

To her great embarrassment, Mikasa could feel tears starting to pool in her eyes again. Yes, she was starting to think she knew exactly what he meant. But what did she still have to hang on to? A group of people she had yet to fully meet that probably didn’t even want her here? An amazing boy who had saved her life but that she barely knew? She tried to force the tears back, but Armin noticed.

“What did they take from you?”

Mikasa took a shaky breath. “My parents. They weren’t killed by Titans though.”

“Mine weren’t either,” Armin murmured, so quietly Mikasa barely heard him. She looked over at him, slightly startled by his answer, but before she could enquire further Levi’s office door was springing open again and Eren was standing there with his eyes alight.

“Mikasa! You can come back inside now. I think the Captain is ready to listen.”

~  
Mikasa held her head high as she re-entered the room, trying hard not to let Levi’s stern gaze phase her this time.

“Eren tells me your name is Mikasa. Mikasa Ackerman. Is that true?”

Mikasa glanced at Eren, surprised he’d remember her surname when it must have been years since he’d heard it.

“Yes, sir.”

Levi nodded slowly.

“Eren, leave please. I’d like to speak with Mikasa alone now.”

Mikasa felt a jolt in her chest and unconsciously took a step closer to Eren.

“Um…”

She sent him another look, sure her eyes were full of fear. Eren seemed to catch on quickly.

“I think she’d feel better if I stayed…”

Levi pursed his lips, thinking it over.

“Fine Jaeger, you can stay. But nothing we discuss here leaves this room. Got it?”

Mikasa and Eren both nodded, though Mikasa wondered why the secrecy was so necessary. What did he want to ask?

When Levi was sure the door was shut tight and no one was listening outside, he finally headed back to his desk, leaning against it to face Mikasa again.

“Miss Ackerman…” he began. “Where are you from?”

“Shiganshina,” Mikasa answered promptly. “My parents and I lived in the mountains just north of the rest of town.”

“Same town as Jaeger and Arlert then?”

“Yes.”

“And where did you go after Wall Maria was taken?”

Silence fell. Mikasa stared down the Captain but couldn’t manage to find her voice to get out the truth she knew she had to tell.

“It’s not like… It’s not the same as…” Eren had cut in now. She realized he’d stepped closer to her again. “Please don’t make her talk about this!”

“I need to know who I'm letting on the squad. If you seem like you've got potential on the battlefield, that is."

Mikasa's heart leapt. He was giving her a chance... This was an unexpected change of heart. She had to take advantage of it.

"...But do you have to make her re-live her entire past?" Eren was saying in a further protest to Levi, but Mikasa put a placating hand on his shoulder. She'd already made her decision. He went still at her touch, turning to look at her. 

"It's okay, Eren. I can tell him."

Eren nodded slowly, reading the resolve in her eyes, but he turned to continue to glare at Levi as Mikasa took a deep breath to speak. Though she had taken her hand from Eren's shoulder, she could still feel him close at her side and it made her feel braver somehow. She met Levi's eyes.

"My home was broken into by sex traffickers when I was 9. They had the intention of kidnapping my mother and I because of our heritage and sell us into slavery, but my mother fought back. As a result, she and my father were both killed, and I was taken alone after watching them die."

She spoke the words but tried very hard to not actually picture that day again, because if she delved too far back into that memory she knew she wouldn't be able to continue. Eren and Levi were both watching her in dead silence. Levi remained as impassive in his exterior as ever but Eren's eyes has gone wide and bright and his hands had balled into fists at his sides.

"Eren's father, Dr. Jaeger, was supposed to make a house call that day, just to give us check-ups, and I guess he brought Eren..." She looked over at him again now.

"He brought me along because he wanted me to meet you," Eren interjected quietly, gazing at her with a pained expression. His voice was slightly hoarse. "He thought I could use another friend my age."

Mikasa didn't know what to say. She could feel herself on the verge of tears again all the sudden, though she wasn't entirely sure why. And now was not the moment for any of that. She looked hurriedly back at Levi.

"They saw what the kidnappers did and Eren figured out where I was. He came to save me, but we were only kids. It was too late."

Levi nodded slowly. "And let me guess, you never forgot you couldn't save her, did you, Jaeger?"

Eren's ears tinged red and he shook his head. Mikasa tried to come to his rescue by continuing.

"I was sold to a whore house not long afterwards and I was there ever since until Eren came and got me the day before last. And then... Then he brought me here," she finished.

"So you were 9 when when you were taken and you're the same age Jaeger... That would put you there for ten years. And you're positive that was the only place you ever went during that entire period of time?"

"Yes sir."

Levi nodded one more time. "Okay. I've heard all I need. Let's take this out to the field to see what you've got."

~

 

Mikasa stayed close to Eren as they followed Levi out back to the training area.

"Will this be hard?" she whispered, trying not to show how much her knees were shaking as they walked. Before they’d left, Levi had sent her to change into a white top and and pants along with tall brown boots, looped around with strange strappy leather gear that she was still trying to get used to. Eren had told her it was official Survey Corps uniform, or at least most of it.

“You’ll get a jacket and cape and everything once you’re in!” he’d said. Now, as he watched her shaking next to him, he tried to smile reassuringly.

"I honestly can’t say for sure. But he knows you're new at this, so there’s no way he’ll be too hard on you... Just relax and you'll be fine."

But it was very hard to relax when it felt like so much was riding on whatever test Levi was about to impose on her. He led them across a sandy field that looked like it was primarily used for sparring and over to a spot where two posts were planted in the ground. There were metal rigging devices attached to each of them on both sides with wires hanging off that Levi walked up to begin adjusting.

“The first thing all trainees have to learn is how to use the three-dimensional maneuvering gear. It’s the most effective means of killing Titans, and therefore of the utmost importance to learn if you’re planning on trying to be a Scout,” he explained as he worked.

“It’s pretty much just a balancing act. I had some trouble with it at first, but you just need center your weight against the equipment,” Eren put in.

“If you can’t learn how to at least stay up on this, there’s no way I can teach you anything more. You can have a few tries at it, because you probably won’t get it on the first, but I’ll be able to tell pretty quickly if you’re a hopeless case. Step forward please.” Levi motioned for Mikasa to approach the posts now that he was done adjusting the wires. He attached them to the gear around her waist.

“I’m going to hoist you up. Balance your weight with the equipment, just like Eren said. On the count of three…”

Mikasa looked down at her feet and inhaled deeply. But before Levi could do anything, they began to hear a cluster of voices coming from the forest behind them.

“But why would he cause all of that trouble just for one girl…?”

“Are you sure you heard him right? Maybe there was something else too…?”

“I don’t know, it seems just like him. He’s always been an idiot, it’s not like it’s anything new…”

“Maybe he’s in love! Looks like you’re out of luck, Ann!”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Was she hot, Jean?”

But before Jean could answer, the group had cleared the trees and caught sight of the scene at the training equipment right in front of them. They fell silent quickly. Mikasa counted eight of them in all, led by Jean. The rest were all new faces: a skinny with closely-shaved hair hand-in-hand with a smiling girl with a brunette ponytail, a tall freckled girl with her arm slung around the shoulders of a pretty petite blonde girl, and two tall hulking men standing on either side of a severe-looking blonde girl. It seemed to be taking them all a minute to take in what was going on, but finally the boy with the shaved head broke the silence with a cheerful yell.

“Eren! You’re back!”

They all went around the equipment to cluster around Eren but Mikasa caught a few curious glances being sent her way.

“Where have you been?!” the girl with the ponytail was saying as she clapped Eren on the shoulder. Levi cut in before Eren could answer.

“Can we have some quiet please? Trying to conduct a test over here.”

And then all sixteen pairs of new eyes were on Mikasa. No one asked any questions; they seemed to pick up on the situation pretty quickly. She squirmed in her harness, disliking the sudden feeling of being onstage for everyone to watch and judge. But then Eren’s eyes found hers and he gave her a small smile, and she felt the knot in her chest loosen a little

“On the count of three for real this time,” Levi said to her. “One… two…

Three.”

Mikasa’s feet went into the air. It was the strangest sensation and she only had seconds to get used to it; she could feel the wires supporting her from all different directions, but almost instantly her weight began to shift, threatening to send her pitching forward to hang upside-down.

In that moment, Mikasa temporarily forgot she had an audience. It was just her and the battle with gravity. She zoned in, suddenly acutely aware of the forces acting upon her, and then instincts kicked in. Just balance them back out… not so hard. She’d battled worse before, why should a bunch of wires be so threatening?

When she looked back up, still balancing rightside-up in the harness, she was met by stunned silence. Everyone’s eyes were wide in shock, and when she found Eren’s face again she saw his jaw had actually dropped. She looked over at Levi for answers, puzzled, but even he took a minute to find his voice.

“It appears you’re a natural,” he said slowly. “First try. Not bad.”

“So that’s it? I’m in?”

Levi lowered Mikasa back down to the ground and walked over to start helping her out of the rigging.

“You can stay for now, but I can’t make your place on the squad official until I’ve conferred with the Commander,” he said. Then he turned his attention back to the crowd. “Jaeger, since you brought her here I’m assigning you to extra training sessions with her to see how far you can catch her up.”

“Yes sir!” Eren nodded, sending a wide grin Mikasa’s way. Levi turned back to her.

“Commander Erwin was called away for a meeting with the heads of the other regiments but he’ll be back in three days. We’ll see how much you can learn in that time period. If the Commander thinks you have potential too, you can stay for good.”

“Thank you, sir,” Mikasa inclined her head to him greatfully.

“Everyone, report for lunch in an hour. In the meantime, girls please show Mikasa to where she’ll be sleeping for the time being. Dismissed.”

Though they’d never even been officially assembled, the Scouts obeyed their Captain’s orders. Everyone scattered, beginning to mutter and send suspicious or awestruck glances Mikasa's way, but she tried to ignore it, heading back out of the spotlight towards Eren.

"That was amazing!" He exclaimed as she walked over. "First try and everything! I don't think any one of us managed that during training. I knew you were going to be good at this, I knew it!"

Mikasa opened her mouth to answer but before she could say anything the girl with the brunette ponytail and the boy with the shaved head were bombarding her as well.

“Holy shit that was unbelievable!” 

“And you’ve never had training before?”

Mikasa shook her head.

“They’re going to let you on for sure I bet, with a start like that,” the boy assured her. “I’m Connie, by the way.

“I’m Mikasa,” she said, nodding at him.

“Hi Mikasa! I’m Sasha!” the girl leapt forward to loop her arm through Mikasa’s. “I can show you around the girl’s dorms if you want! It’ll be great to add another one of us to the team…”

And before she could protest, Sasha was pulling Mikasa back towards the castle. She glanced back behind her to find Eren smiling at her again. He called after them, “I’ll see you at lunch, okay? Don’t worry, Sasha’s harmless!”

“Mostly!” Connie added with a devilish grin. Sasha didn’t seem to hear. She was too busy chatting away to no one. Mikasa almost smiled, but then she caught sight of the rest of the team behind Eren and Connie. None of them looked quite as excited to have her among their ranks. Did the tall quiet boys always look so threatening, or were those just their resting facial expressions? And the blonde between them looked so thoroughly bored by the entire event, while Jean still looked generally disgruntled and the two other girls seemed more into each other than anything else. Meanwhile, Levi remained back at the training posts, staring after all of them.

Suddenly, Mikasa began to feel dizzy again so she turned her head quickly, trying to focus on what Sasha was saying. There were a few friendly faces so far, at least. She’d just focus on Sasha, Connie, Armin, and of course Eren. She couldn’t worry about everyone else right now. For the first time in what she now knew had been ten long years, she had a chance for a home.

And she was not going to give it up without a fight.

~

The smile remained on Eren’s face as he watched Sasha and Mikasa get further and further ahead of them, eventually disappearing into the castle. His heart felt lighter than it had in a long time. For once, he’d actually done something right, even righted an old wrong in the process, and things actually seemed to be turning out okay. His gut instinct about Mikasa’s skills had even been right, and she was going to fit in with everyone in no time, he knew.

And he had to admit to himself, he was looking forward to spending more time with her during their extra training sessions. So they could be better friends, of course…

Just friends.

Nothing else.

He scolded himself inwardly for even allowing his thoughts to drift anywhere near the contrary. He barely knew her, after all. And she’d been through a lot of shit. He had no right to add more to that pile now.

Lost in his intrusive thoughts, Eren wandered into the castle as well, heading for his room. Once inside, he figured he might as well change out of the clothes he’d been wearing overnight. He opened one of his dresser drawers and had just tugged his shirt over his head when there was a knock on the door.

“What?”

The door opened quietly and Eren found himself looking into a familiar pair of hooded grey eyes.

“Hey.”

“Oh… hey!”

“You were gone for awhile.”

“Yeah… Sorry I had to…”

But she’d already shut the door and closed the distance between them in a few strides.

“I missed you.”

The things she said never really seemed to reach her eyes, but then again nothing did. That was the nature of their relationship, and they both knew it. Her face was so close to his now, he could feel her breath against his lips as he reached out to pull her in.

Their arrangement had always worked out smoothly; everyone got what they wanted without the fuss. Or at least… that’s what it seemed like, anyway. They’d never really sat down to discuss it for very long, as it usually just sort of happened. But Eren had never really questioned it much because it had always just seemed sort of natural.

Until today.

As he parted her lips with his to invite his tongue in, searching for the way she usually made him feel, as she ran her fingers down his naked torso, a different pair of gray eyes suddenly flashed across his vision and something jolted in the pit of his stomach. He pulled away quickly, panting.

“Wait, Annie…”

“What?”

“I just… I don’t think I can do this today.”

She stared at him, blankly as ever.

“Okay.”

She took a step back from him wordlessly, no sign of apology or even embarrassment. 

“Next time, then.”

And she nodded at him, moving swiftly right back out the door almost as quickly as she’d come. Eren stared after the spot where she’d disappeared, still breathing hard, trying to comprehend what exactly had just happened. Then he put his face in his hands, collapsing back onto the bed behind him, letting out a soft moan.

Maybe this wasn’t going to go as smoothly as he’d thought.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the wonderful feedback I’ve gotten on the story so far, it’s been really encouraging. I welcome all feedback. I hope you guys still stick with me, because next time Mikasa and Eren are definitely getting a lot more alone time again. And now we have this whole Annie business to sort out…
> 
> Anyway, hope to see you then! ☺


	5. Keys

“If you should go  
I’ll be a soldier  
But I can’t fight  
Without you.”  
~Athlete, “Awkward Goodbye”

~

Mikasa was drifting somewhere between sleep and consciousness, her mind wandering between memories that blurred into dreams and back again, until one swam to the surface with particular clarity. 

She was five years old, walking through the forest with her parents as they stopped every so often to point out different plants and animals to her. 

“Mikasa, you are an Ackerman,” her father was telling her gently as he watched his smiling daughter skip along ahead of them on the path. “And Ackermans have a very special duty to this world.”

Mikasa paused mid skip, turning around to look at her father with wondering eyes.

“What, Papa?”

Her mother placed a hand on her father’s shoulder as he knelt down to meet Mikasa at eye level.

“To protect it.”

“Protect it?”

“Yes,” her mother joined in, kneeling down as well. “And you are also the last remaining descendant from a place called Asia, which means there’s something you need to do. For me. For everyone.”

“What is it, Mama?”

“Remember.”

“Remember what?”

But now the scene was blurring in an out of focus like she were watching it from underwater, floating upwards away from it, and then finally her eyes were popping open, her mother’s last word still echoing in her mind:

Remember.

She sat straight up in bed, repeating out loud: “Remember what?”

But as she sat, letting the room around her come into focus, the stone wall she was staring at offered her no answers, and slowly she could feel the vision slipping away from her like she was trying to hold water in her cupped hands. She rubbed at her temples as a headache began to take the vision’s place, until she was no longer sure if what she’d seen was a real memory or merely something her brain had concocted while hovering between planes. Either way, it was apparent she wasn’t going back to sleep now.

Mikasa sighed and got up to put on some clothes, figuring she’d just do some exploring around the castle to continue getting to know her way around. Sasha had shown her a little the day before but it was so big… she wanted to investigate some of the darker halls and rooms that Sasha had skimmed over. A quick peek out the window told her the sun had only just barely begun to peek over the horizon but as far as she could hear, no one else had begun to stir from sleep yet.

After she’d slipped on her clothes, making sure Eren’s scarf was securely back around her neck, she slipped out the door. When Sasha had said "girl's dormitories," it turned out she'd really just meant the section of the castle where all the girls' rooms were located, because there were enough rooms for everyone to have their own, plus some. Mikasa wondered how that could possibly be right. Sure, the Survey Corps might not be the safest military branch to join but at the same time it seemed very respectable to her. Did so few people really feel such little drive to break free of their prison, reclaim what was once theirs? Eren spoke about it all so passionately all the time. How could there not be more people like him?

On quiet feet, Mikasa passed more and more empty rooms, turning down pathways that seemed less and less familiar, until she began to hear a distant clanging noise coming from somewhere even further in the castle's depths. She paused for a minute, trying to detect a more exact location through the echoes, then began to follow it, pulled along with every step by her curiosity.

The closer she got, the more she began to hear voices mixed in with the clanging. She doubted she would have heard any of it had she been exploring during the usual waking hours of the day when everyone else was awake and the castle was busy, but every noise felt amplified by the silence that surrounded it. 

Finally Mikasa became certain she'd reached the source of the sounds. She turned a corner and found a back staircase tucked away leading down to a metal door, behind which the clanging seemed to have finally reached its loudest pitch. Carefully, she descended the steps approaching it, reaching out her hand to open the door as quietly as she could.

At first, the two people inside didn’t notice her come in. They were working feverishly around a wooden table in the center the windowless room, illuminated only by light from the crackling fireplace against the wall behind them. Mikasa could see metal parts laying around amongst what must have been hundreds of sketches and blueprints, beginning to take shape into strange contraptions she couldn’t recognize. 

“Armin?” she spoke up finally, causing both people to visibly jump and spin to gawk at her.

“Mikasa!” Armin exclaimed, sounding very much like someone who’d been caught red-handed doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Mikasa couldn’t figure out what was so guilt-inducing about tinkering around with a bunch of mechanics in the early hours of the morning, though. Certainly, it seemed like an odd choice of time, but other than that…

“What’s all this?” she asked cautiously, her eyes roaming across the contents of the table yet again.

“This? This is nothing! This is… Well… it’s…”

Armin stuttered, but he could not seem to form any sentences.

“Are you the new girl?” the other person in the room finally spoke and Mikasa was briefly unnerved by a flashing that made her look like she had fire for eyes. However, a double-take revealed it to just be glasses resting on the bridge of the woman’s nose.

“Um… yes?” Mikasa tried to regain her composure under the woman’s unnerving gaze. It was almost manic, like she had been interrupted from complete and utter focus and still hadn’t fully pulled her mind from her work yet. She regarded Mikasa for another split second before seeming to come to a conclusion.

“Go ahead and tell her, Armin.”

“What… Really?”

“She’s going to be part of the squad soon, she can know.”

“How do you know I’m going to be part of the squad soon?”

The woman looked over her glasses at Mikasa, manic glint in her eyes sparkling dangerously.

“The Captain and I talk. He says your name is Ackerman, right?”

“Yes…”

She nodded approvingly at Mikasa’s answer.

“You’re definitely going to be part of the squad.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Never you mind that now,” the woman stuck out her hand in offering. “Zoe Hange! Happy to be of service.”

“Nice to meet you.”

Mikasa was still itching to ask more but Hange seemed satisfied for now, turning back to Armin expectantly. “Go for it Arlert! Fill her in!”

“Well…” Armin looked back at the work table helplessly, at a loss for where to start. “Look, Mikasa, anything we tell you down here has to be kept secret at all costs, do you promise you won’t repeat this information to anyone except the other Survey Corps members?”

“Of course.”

“And even with each other we don’t talk about it very often because it’s of the utmost importance that this secret be kept. The fate of all humanity rests on it. Okay?”

Mikasa shrugged. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t have anyone outside this castle to tell.”

Armin puffed out a deep breath, some of the worry lines on his forehead smoothing a little. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry if I seem rude, it’s just… a lot of work has gone into all of this for the past few years. It would be devastating to see it all blown now.”

“I understand.”

“Okay…” Armin took one of the papers from the table. “This is it.”

Mikasa stared at the lines. She could tell it was some kind of machine but had no idea what all the spindling marks and numbers all over it meant.

“What am I looking at?”

Armin finally smiled a little. “We’re re-designing our three-dimensional maneuvering gear. They told you how it works last night, right?”

Mikasa nodded.

“Well since it was invented, the gear has been gas-powered. Meaning we can only use it for fighting Titans, when the moment calls for it the most, and it kind of anchors us to the walls. We can’t go too far outside of them without supplies. The only strategy before now was to try and send out expeditions loaded with extra supplies to lay out for future attempts... but that has never gotten us very far.”

Mikasa nodded again, still following his words closely.

“But if we want to get back to Shiganshina and beyond, I mean really go outside the walls, depending so heavily on the forces behind the walls for gas just isn’t going to cut it anymore. So, I got this idea, and Hange here agreed with me, that there might be some other renewable resource we could use for fuel. Something we could find outside of the walls too, to refuel whenever we need it.”

Mikasa was hanging on his every word now. Armin moved them both closer to the table, directing her attention to more of the blueprints lying there.

“We started out by trying a few different things. Sun power didn’t work.”

“Grass power was a dud,” Hange threw in with a giggle.

“Nuts, air, various kinds of leaves and naturally occurring oils, but nothing had the right chemistry to operate how we needed it to.”

“And then Armin had a brainstorm!”

“I guess you could say that…” Armin said, blushing.

“You guess?” Hange exclaimed, turning to Mikasa. “This kid is a downright genius. Never let him downplay that for you.”

Armin ignored her, but couldn’t stop a small smile from turning up the corners of his lips. “It’s… hydropower.”

“Excuse me?”

“Hydropower! Water power! Water is everywhere, water has energy we can harness and use, water would be the perfect fuel for us!”

He was talking very fast now, his eyes alight with enthusiasm.

“It was hard to figure out how to condense the conversion mechanisms to the parameters required for the gear but once we discovered how to invert the catalytic….”

Mikasa had to admit, she had no idea what Armin was talking about as he rambled through the scientific and mechanical jargon required for making the 3-D gear run on water, but it was sweet to see him so engrossed in his work. She liked Armin. He was kind, but he was also honest and straightforward. Though the feeling worried her a little, as it had with Eren, she was already starting to instinctively feel like he was someone that could be trusted.

“...And once we figured out the correct equation to use, everything started falling into place! It should be ready to test soon,” Armin was finishing his lecture, blinking as though he’d just remembered where he was. “Sorry, sometimes I forget not everyone cares about the technicalities of it all. The point is, Hange and I think we almost have it ready to use.”

Hange nodded enthusiastically. Mikasa continued to stare in awe at the finished drawing Armin was holding.

“I think it’s amazing,” she said finally, her voice nearly at a whisper. Armin positively beamed at her.

“But why does it have to stay top secret? Wouldn’t the King and the rest of the military want to know that you guys have created something so useful to the cause?”

Armin and Hange got very quiet at that question, exchanging a look.

“Well… there are a few reasons, actually,” Armin suddenly looked very tired. “I guess the best way to explain it is to start from the Female Titan incident.”

“The what?”

A dark look had passed over Hange’s face and then she turned her back on the other two to face the fireplace. Armin sighed.

“About four years ago, after Eren and I had joined the Survey Corps and fought in our first battle, we were all on a mission to get back to Shiganshina. There were more of us then. The original Squad Levi was all still around, along with us newbies.”

Hange’s back remained firmly to them as Armin told the story, but Mikasa thought she saw her shoulders tense at this.

“The original Squad Levi?” she asked.

“Yeah. There were some amazing people in the Survey Corps before those of us from the 104th training regiment joined. But…” Armin’s eyes slid sideways. “Hange, Levi, and Commander Erwin are the last of them. The mission had barely left Wall Rose before everything went wrong. We were attacked by an abnormal Titan with advanced intelligence and a female form, unlike anything I’d ever seen, even from… well…” 

He suddenly looked worried, like he’d planned to say something else but thought better of it.

“...Anyway, she all but wiped out all the squad members that were on the mission with us. She tried to kidnap Eren, and it almost worked but Levi got him back. He almost died doing it though.”

Mikasa’s fist clenched involuntarily. “Why would she want to kidnap Eren?”

At that, Hange turned back around, glaring at Armin. Armin looked even more nervous than he had a moment earlier. “We… still don’t know for sure. It’s a mystery!”

Mikasa could tell he was holding something back, of course, but why? Just because Hange didn’t want him to tell? Perhaps it was some kind of Survey-Corps only business, but they’d just let her in on the secret about the hydro-powered gear, so why was this secret any different? She could tell Armin was uncomfortable with the lie, so she decided not to press the matter for the time being, thinking perhaps they’d tell her once she was an official member of the squad.

“A-anyway, after that the Survey Corps had to come back empty-handed and admit that we’d gotten no where; the mission had failed. The King and the leaders of the other military branches, the Garrison Regiment and the Military Police, weren’t happy with us. Public support for our branch had already been shaky, and the failure just sent it all pretty much crashing down. They disbanded the entire Survey Corps except this squad. They sent us into exile out here, barely giving us any funds and telling us we weren’t allowed to conduct anymore investigations outside the wall, and that we were only to be called if the Titans attack again.” 

“Basically, we’re all prisoners out here,” Hange added, speaking for the first time since Armin began his story. 

“The only reason we all didn’t actually get locked up was because there are a few special cases in our squad. And we had the top titan-slayers,” Armin said. “Well, you know, not me exactly, I’m mostly here for the book stuff, but everybody else was top of our class in training, or close to it.”

“But… I don’t understand…” Mikasa felt something twisting in her gut. “How could they just throw you all away? You have the most important job of anyone. How is humanity supposed to reclaim the world if we can’t even go out in it anymore?”

Armin smiled sadly. “Two days with him and you already sound like him.”

“What?”

“Just Eren. That’s the kind of thing he always says, even after we got banished, after no one wanted to join the Corps anymore… The truth is... I think these days the fight has been taken out of most people. But Eren is all fight: always has been, always will be. He keeps all the rest of us here going, honestly."

“Jaeger’s something else, that’s for sure,” Hange added absentmindedly, having turned her attention back to the gadgets on the worktable.

Mikasa smiled a bit to herself, that same strange warmth she’d felt watching Eren sleep the morning before starting to spread from her chest again. 

“This all explains why that innkeeper gave his cape such a funny look too.”

“What? Eren was wearing his cape around when he went to get you?” there was a note of panic in Armin’s voice now. Mikasa nodded slowly.

“Ohhh…” Armin moaned. “Goddamn it Eren. You guys are lucky you didn’t get arrested by the Military Police, honestly.” He shook his head, heaving a huge sigh. “It’s such an Eren thing to do though, can’t say I’m surprised. His daredevil ways are going to get him killed someday though, if the Titans don’t get us all first.”

Mikasa felt a shiver run down her spine at those words.

“If… if you’re all banished, who’s protecting everyone from the Titans?”

Hange snorted loudly from the worktable, not looking up from her tinkering. “Most people would say they don’t need protecting anymore.”

“What? Why?”

“The Titans have gone quiet again. They haven’t tried to invade the walls again since the Battle for Trost four years ago, when humanity fought them back,” Armin clarified. “Some people think we scared them off for good.”

This finally did make Hanji look up from her work, her glasses flashing again. “Foolish thoughts. It’s not unheard of behavior from the Titans, considering we went nearly a hundred years without a single attack after the walls were built. But still, I want to know why. It seemed like they were building up to something back then, two attacks in five years after so long in silence, but then it all just stopped again. Something about it just still doesn’t feel… right…”

“I still think it had to do with the female Titan,” Armin’s face contorted as he held his temples. “I still feel like there was something I missed there...”

“You couldn’t change anything about that, though, right?” Mikasa offered.

“No… but we could have figured out who it was. Recent evidence has led us to believe that certain of the more intelligent Titan types are actually humans that can take a Titan form. We think that Titan was a spy of some kind, but we never figured out who it could be. If we could have… Well, maybe everything would have been different.”

Mikasa didn’t even know what to say anymore. She felt like her head was spinning with the rush of new information, the last bit of which might have just put her over the edge: people could become Titans?

“But that pretty much brings you up to speed on everything,” Armin interjected, pulling Mikasa out of the whirlwind of thoughts threatening to overwhelm her. “So technically we’re not supposed to be planning this expedition, but we are anyway. And we’re not supposed to have developed this advanced technology aid us in that expedition, but we have anyway. Because even though the rest of the world might no longer believe it, we know the Titans are still out there, and we still need to fight. So this all has to stay top secret.”

“I won’t breathe a word,” Mikasa promised, looking Armin straight in the eyes. A smile finally broke his face again.

“Thanks. Glad to have you aboard! Now we should probably get back to work, and you should get ready too. Don’t you have training with Eren soon?”

~

Mikasa hadn’t been the only person wandering the hallways of the Survey Corps at the crack of dawn that morning, however.

On silent feet, Annie Leonhardt slipped out of her room just as the first rays of the sun were starting to peer over the horizon. She met no resistance on her way out, thankfully, and soon she was running across the training grounds and into the forest beyond. She took a twisting, turning route that didn’t seem to follow any clear-cut path, and yet she knew exactly where she was going. Her sure-footed steps took her right to a clearing where two tall figures were already waiting for her.

“Good morning,” Reiner said, greeting her with his usual reserved air.

“Did you two make it out here okay? No one saw?” Annie asked, leaning back against a tree to survey them cooly, arms crossed in front of her.

“Not a soul,” Reiner confirmed. “We’re in the clear. Report?”

Annie sighed, rolling her eyes at the sky. “It’s a lost cause, at this point.”

“What?!”

“Don’t act so surprised. I’ve been telling you for months that he’s not going to fall in love with me. And what do you know? He runs off and comes back with some scrawny girl from god-knows where and he’s already half in love with her. It’s over.”

Reiner and Bertholdt both just continued to stare at her, at a loss for words, so Annie kept talking.

“Now can we please stop making me do this? It’s gross.”

“Hey don’t act like that! You said you were okay with everything when we first came up the plan.”

“That was before I knew it was going to take this long.”

“Okay fine, so we give it up. What do you suggest we do next. Kill the new girl?”

“No, idiot,” Annie scowled at Reiner, completely unperturbed by the fact that he was twice her size and twice her weight in muscle. “All that would do would send him into a spiral of pining after her. Don’t you know anything?”

“Okay…” Bertholdt interjected, speaking for the first time since Annie had arrived. “No need to get mean. We’re all on the same side here, remember?”

Annie and Reiner regarded each other grudgingly for half a second more, but then inclined their heads, indicating a truce.

“I say we just go to Plan B,” Annie murmured quietly. Both Reiner and Bertholdt’s eyes widened.

“If we go to Plan B, there’s no going back.”

“True. But do you have any other ideas at this point? We’re running out of time. They’ve almost finished with the hydro powered gear and they’ll be knocking down the door of the Jaeger’s basement in Shiganshina before we know it.”

They all stood around in silence for a solid few minutes after that, letting Annie’s words sink in. She was right, and they all knew it.

“Okay, so we go to Plan B,” Reiner said, finally. “We just need to watch and wait for the opportune moment.”

~

Mikasa kind of had to admit, she liked wearing the 3-D gear straps. They made her feel like she was prepared for anything. She stared at herself in the mirror for a little bit before walking down to meet Eren on the training field, evaluating her appearance. 

The clothes she had been provided with were plain and simple, but comfortable and easy to move in. After a couple days worth of solid meals, her cheeks had already started to look less hollow, her skin less ashen. However her hair still hung sadly in dead split ends down to her waist, having not been cut in ten years. That wouldn’t do out in training, she knew; it could get caught in something or fly in her face while she fought. She pulled it back in a low ponytail and appraised herself one more time.

Something still seemed off, but it was good enough for now. She was probably just still getting used to being back in her own skin.

Mikasa tried not to hurry too quickly down to the training area, not wanting to seem too childish in her excitement. She forced a cool expression and what she hoped was a dignified demeanor as she crossed the field, quietly approaching Eren’s tall form. He was wearing a full set of 3-D gear and carrying another, his back was to the castle as he surveyed the forest beyond, his eyes clouded over.

“Eren?” Mikasa said quietly, hesitant to break him from whatever thoughts were plaguing him. But when he heard her voice, he blinked out of his reverie quickly and greeted her with a dazzling grin.

“Hey Mikasa! Sorry I didn’t hear you walk up!”

“Is… everything okay?” she asked haltingly, not wanting to pry where she wasn’t wanted, yet unable to shake her concern.

“Yeah! Everything’s fine! Why?”

“You just looked… upset or something just now.”

Eren let out a good-natured sigh. “I’m always worried about something or other. Nothing for you to worry about, trust me.”

Mikasa gazed scrutinizingly at him for a moment longer. Clearly he wasn’t actually as fine as he said, but he seemed dead-set on not talking about it.

“Come on! Let’s get you started. Don’t you want to learn how to kill a Titan?”

~

The mood lifted considerably as the two walked further into the forest together, Eren explaining key details of Titan anatomy, or what they knew of it so far anyway.

“... so the nape of the neck is always the place to aim for. We know so much more about defeating them than we used to, thanks to people like Hange who worked so hard at studying them. Hopefully you’ll meet her soon. Hange still works with the Survey Corps. Although she hasn’t had a real Titan to study in awhile.”

“I met Hange.”

Eren looked at Mikasa, puzzled.

“This morning. I sort of… found her and Armin’s secret laboratory.”

“Oh!” Eren smiled again. “Great! So you know the future plan?”

“Yeah. That design he came up with is really amazing.”

“What would we do without Armin?” Eren gazed off into the distance fondly at the thought of his friend. “I can’t wait to get out there. To get back to what we’re all supposed to be doing.”

“So you don’t think the Titans are really gone either?”

That same clouded look came back over him that he’d had before, and suddenly Mikasa wished she hadn’t brought them up at all.

“I know they’re not. Everyone else might be letting their guards down, but they’re wrong. It’s our job as the protectors of the people to continue keeping our vigilance, even if they’ve all given up.”

Eren’s words jogged Mikasa’s memory and suddenly her father’s voice was floating through her mind again, echoing back from her dream last night: “Protect it.”

“Eren, when we were talking to Captain Levi yesterday, you remembered my surname.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s just one of those details that stuck in my memory. Why?”

“Do you know anything about my family name? Like if anyone else has it?”

Eren shrugged a little. “I’d never heard it before the day my Dad said we were going to visit you. “Why do you ask?”

Mikasa shook her head. “It’s probably nothing. I just never learned a lot about my past before my parents died, that’s all.”

“Maybe you can look for some answers in Shiganshina too. You never know what we might find once we get back there.”

Eren came to a halt now in front of a big tree with a red mark on it. “Here’s where the training course starts. We’ve got some fake Titan targets set up along this path, and it’s also a prime spot for learning how to move with the 3-D gear. Tree branches are good for us because they provide a lot of anchorage opportunities. We’re just going to start you out with that first.”

“Moving with the gear?”

Eren nodded. “Balancing on it, like you did yesterday, is the first step. The next is to use it to propel yourself through the air with it. The height helps you get right up close and personal with the Titans, with maximum advantage on their weak spots. Here.”

He held out the extra set of gear for Mikasa to take. “This is yours now. Well, until we all get the new stuff anyway.”

“Thank you,” Mikasa accepted it and began to attach it carefully, feeling the weight of the scabbards against her thighs and the vertical maneuvering device around the back of her waist.

“Okay,” Eren began to explain, motioning to each part as he referenced it, “These are the operating devices up here. When you pull them, they’ll release the steel wire from the device around your back. The chords shoot out with a powerful force and attach to whatever solid object is nearby. Buildings and trees are usually the best targets. Then you have to shift your weight to either of your hips using the straps around your feet. That’s where the balancing lesson from yesterday comes into play.”

Mikasa stared at the equipment she was wearing and then at the trees in front of her.

“There’s… really no better way to do it than to just jump in and give it a shot. You’ll probably mess up but the key is to trust in yourself and your balancing instincts and to not let the fear get to you.”

“So just… Like this?” Mikasa reached for the operating device.”

“Yeah, just be prepared to-”

But whatever Eren was about to say she should be prepared for, she didn’t hear. The wire was shooting from the cylinder around her waist and latching onto a tree branch ahead, pulling her with it. She felt panic quickly start to set in as the world flew by around her and her heart leapt to her throat. Suddenly it was hard to think straight. Aim for… where? Balance… what? She felt like the equipment was dragging her along more than she was controlling it. And then to make the panic increase, she realized she was headed straight for a head-on collision with a tree. 

Clumsily, Mikasa grappled with the other operational device and pulled as quickly as she could, closing her eyes and praying it would work, and to her relief and renewed horror she found herself being pulled even faster in the opposite direction. She’d avoided the tree but she felt like a runaway carriage, completely out of control. She didn’t know how to slow down or regain control so she did the only thing she could think of: let herself fall.

It turned out she wasn’t that far off the ground, but the height was still enough to knock the wind out of her as she hit. She lay there for a minute, flat on her back, staring up at the forest foliage above as stars danced around it, dazedly trying to regain her breath until she heard footsteps running up to where she lay.

“Mikasa!” there was an alarmed note in Eren’s voice. “Mikasa! Are you okay?” 

And then his arms were around her, supporting her as she struggled to sit up. She was still breathing hard, but she finally managed to speak.

“I’m… okay.”

“Are you sure? Does anything feel broken?”

Mikasa adjusted herself to test the movement of her arms, legs, fingers and toes. Everything seemed to be in working order. Eren adjusted himself too, keeping one arm around her shoulder but keeping his eyes on her movements closely, looking for any signs of trauma. When she looked back up, she found her eyes inches away from his again, and she was lost in stormy blue and green. Her heart jolted uncomfortably, especially considering its beat had only just begun to return to normal. She took a deep breath and forced herself to speak normally.

“I think everything is still intact. I’m just a little winded, that’s all.”

“I am so sorry. I should have warned you more about the force…”

“There’s no way you could have described it, honestly. You were right, the only way to learn is to just go.”

The embarrassment was starting to set in now. Eren had warned her against letting her fear take over, and what had she done? Surrendered to it completely. Years of fighting to keep hope, fighting to not let fear overcome her, and what finally lets it in? A bunch of wires and trees. She stood quickly, ashamed, feeling the fire in her face as she stalked off through the trees.

“I want to try again.”

Eren hurried to keep up with her, taken aback by her abrupt aggression. “Are you sure? You can take a breather for a little bit if you need…”

“No. I want to try again right now.”

She spun back around at the same spot where she’d begun before, getting ready to pull the operator again.

“Okay…” Eren sounded like he wanted to protest further, but Mikasa had no more time for hesitation. She let the wires fly and followed them, feeling the pull again as she was flung towards the trees. 

This time, she was ready for the sensation as she felt it. She could feel her body’s urge to panic just as it had before, pitched into a completely unnatural situation, but she fought it now, forcing her breathing to remain even as she focused in on the task at hand. Just as Eren had instructed before, she shifted her weight to her hips, feeling the straps around her feet and legs respond accordingly, and with that it was as though the world had righted itself. Mikasa was back in control again, directing the gear with her body as she flew through the air, feeling like she was flying. When she needed to change directions, she pulled on the release again and more wire flew out, her aim on point as it anchored to another tree.

Triumph bubbled up inside her and she raised her face to the sun as she arched upwards on one of her turns. Why had she been so scared the first time? This felt absolutely amazing. She felt invincible.

Mikasa felt like she could have stayed in the air for hours, but eventually she knew she should land. It went much more smoothly this time, with her lowering herself to the ground for a gentle touchdown, the world coming to a halt around her. She stood there for a second taking it in, and to her great surprise she let out an involuntary giggle. She’d done it.

“Holy shit!” there was a shout from behind her, and she turned to see Eren swinging through the trees too on his own gear. “That was amazing!”

He landed next to her, beaming. “It was like you were a completely different person! That was almost perfect the second time, improvement is an understatement!” 

His voice faltered for a second mid-praise as he caught sight of her face.

“What is it?” Mikasa asked, suddenly concerned.

“Nothing… I just realized… That was just the first time I’ve seen you smile. Like really smile, you know?”

Mikasa blinked at him, unsure of what to say.

“N-not to sound weird or anything,” Eren was quick to amend, his words suddenly stumbling out of his mouth in a rush. “It’s just a good thing, you know? I hope you get to smile more.”

At that, the corners of her mouth did lift again. “Thanks… I think.”

They both laughed nervously and Eren cleared his throat. “So… want to give the gear another try?”

“Yes!”

For the rest of the afternoon, Mikasa continued to practice with the gear, getting better and better with every try. By the end of the day she was performing flips and advanced maneuvers she only could have previously dreamed of, leaving Eren dumbfounded.

"You are amazing," he said as she landed for the final time that day. "Absolutely amazing."

Mikasa felt pride swelling up within her, her confidence having had a complete turnaround since her failure earlier. She could do this. And the more she practiced, the more she felt like it was not only something she could do, it was something she was meant to do.

Protect the world, that's what her father had said in her dream. What better way to protect it than aligning herself with humanity's finest Titan-slayers?

~

Day two of training with Eren was comprised of applying Mikasa's maneuvering lesson from the day before with wooden "Titans" hidden amongst the trees as target practice. She took to using the blades even more quickly than she'd learned everything else. In no time she was striking true with every swing, slicing each dummy directly in the nape of the neck. She liked the swords, she had to admit. They were like powerful extensions of herself, deadly and ready to strike anyone down who might ever try to get in her way. 

Mikasa also couldn't lie that she was enjoying spending so much extra time with Eren. She was still trying to understand the group dynamic with the rest of the squad when they were all together. She enjoyed Armin of course, and Sasha and Connie were nice enough too, but everyone else had proved to be hard to read. She's learned everyone else's names by now and she’d observed that Ymir and Christa mostly kept to themselves; like they were in their own little world all the time. Because of this, they'd hardly acknowledged Mikasa at all, but at least they also hadn't been outrightly unpleasant to her. 

She couldn't say the same for Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie. All three of them seemed to regard her with distrust no matter what she did, but perhaps they would have been that way with any outsiders; after all, the squad had been together since training, and they hadn't had any new additions in four years. They must have all developed a strong bond, of course, though these three were the only ones who seemed bothered by it. Regardless, Mikasa had taken to trying to avoid the three of them for the most part.

Then there was Jean, who never ceased to send her reeling in confusion. He'd never been anything but nice to her, and yet Mikasa had never been able to shake the uncomfortable feeling he'd given her since day one. She felt guilty for feeling such things over someone who so clearly didn't deserve it, and yet she also wondered if her instincts were more alert to something her higher consciousness was not. Either way, she avoided Jean for the most part as well, mostly because it was just easier that way.

But Eren...

Just being near Eren made Mikasa feel calmer, more content. His good-natured attitude was contagious, as was his drive. It was hard to be around Eren and to listen to him for extended periods of time without coming away feeling like anything was possible, that it didn't matter that most of the Survey Corps had been disbanded, that it didn't matter how dire humanity's situation might look, they could actually defeat all the Titans someday. And even though deep down, Mikasa could already tell that hope might be foolish, it still felt good to know it was there.

The weather had also remained mild so she’d worn his scarf every day since he’d given it to her. She didn’t want to take it off, honestly. She found she’d grown a bit attached.

The more time she spent with him the harder it was getting to say goodnight and go their separate ways to their rooms once they got back to the castle from training every night. After day two of training was over, they lingered at the end of the hallway Mikasa was supposed to go down for the girls' dormitories.

"Um... Well... Great job today, in case I didn't say it enough," Eren was saying. Mikasa smiled shyly.

"Thanks. You're a great teacher."

Eren's eyes widened. "Well thanks, but seriously I have very little to do with it. I don't know if you get how unbelievably natural you are at this. You're already doing advanced stuff that most of us didn't even attempt in training until second year, and it's only your second day. You're amazing."

Mikasa didn't know what to say to this. She could feel a blush creeping up her cheeks.

"I don't know why. I've never tried any of this before."

"The why doesn't really matter if you ask me, I'm just glad you're here now."

"Me too."

They fell silent, looking at each other, but neither made a move to leave. Mikasa racked her brain for anything else to say to keep them there for a little bit longer, but nothing came, so eventually she conceded.

"Well... I'll see you tomorrow, I guess?"

Eren flashed another grin. "Bright and early on the training field! It's hand-to-hand combat tomorrow. My specialty."

A flash of mischief seeped into his smile. Mikasa narrowed her eyes at him mockingly.

Eren laughed at her expression. "Don't worry! By the end of the day you'll probably be kicking my ass anyway, at the rate you're going."

"If you say so! Goodnight, Eren."

"Goodnight, Mikasa."

It cost her a great deal of resolve to turn away but she finally did so, heading down the hallway to her room. When she reached the door and pulled it open, she glanced back one last time to see Eren still standing down at the end of the hallway. She gave him another small smile and a wave before disappearing inside.

~

Eren walked back to his room with his head spinning, hardly even paying attention to where he was going as his feet took him down the hallways of their own accord. His heart was racing and his face felt hot but he was trying desperately to quell it all. He should not be feeling any of this, and he knew it.

She was off-limits... He'd made that decision already... Off. Limits.

But still, he couldn't get her out of his head. It was jarring how much of an effect she'd had on him after only a few days in each other's company, especially considering he'd never felt like this about anyone before. He kept thinking about the way she'd flown through the air in the maneuvering gear like she'd just left all her cares on the ground behind her, the way she'd wielded those swords like she was a one-woman army ready to take out anyone who'd ever done her wrong, the way her whole face lit up when she smiled...

Get ahold of yourself Jaeger, he thought fiercely.

He still had no right to be thinking all these things of course, he knew. After the things he'd seen at that dump he'd pulled her out of... Well... He should consider it a miracle she'd ever even wanted to talk to another man ever again.

And of course, there was the matter of the secret he was still keeping, causing his stomach to twist uncomfortably every time he thought about it. Levi had instructed not to tell her yet, but Eren knew she'd inevitably find out, and when she did...

Who knew what would happen then.

 

~

Learning hand-to-hand combat was proving to be her toughest challenge of all, though not for the reasons Mikasa had been expecting.

“Okay your stance is off a little bit. Here.”

For the third time so far that day Mikasa found herself fighting to remain composed as Eren helped her adjust her fighting stance. Whenever he touched her she found herself having to fight to stay focused, because for some strange reason every touch from him felt like it sent a shockwave through her. Not in a bad way though; it was nothing like with the clients she’d dreaded so much. But it was extremely distracting, she had to admit, and she could only hope he hadn’t noticed anything strange.

He was currently standing behind her, arms at her waist as he helped her get set. For a split second his breath tickled her neck before he’d backed away again quickly.

“Now try the strike I just taught you.”

Mikasa obeyed, trying to shake her head clear again with every swing of her arms. 

“Good!” Eren stepped in front of her. “Now try it on me.”

“What?”

“You know, take a swing! Don’t hold back, I can take it.”

Mikasa tried the move he’d just taught her but was pushed back as he blocked it expertly.

“Perfectly executed. I’ll teach you to block like I just did next.”

The next couple hours continued in such a fashion, with Mikasa managing to finally pull herself together and actually pick up quite a few moves pretty quickly. She liked sparring and trying to guess which move Eren was going to try next so she could be ready to block him. It was a bit like a game. Soon Eren was moving on to teaching her more advanced moves.

“Okay flipping. Flipping is important. You have to work with your opponent’s strength in comparison with yours and adjust your stance and technique accordingly. If your opponent is bigger than you, then move with their weight and try to keep moving rather than shouldering it all. But if your opponent is about the same or smaller than you… here, do you mind if I show you? I won’t actually hurt you, I promise.”

Mikasa nodded, though when he took her arm she still found herself unprepared for the jolt she felt when her skin made contact with his. 

“So you’re basically going to take the person like this and shift their weight across your own body like this while you focus in on your center of gravity so you don’t strain yourself.”

All Mikasa saw was sky for a second as Eren flung her over his shoulder, but before she could make the hard landing expected at the end of a flip he pulled back a little and reached out his other hand to help make sure she fell gently. She was a little taken aback but unhurt as she landed flat on her back, blinking up at his smiling face hovering over her.

“Get it?”

He helped pull her to her feet to stand again.

“Got it, I think.”

“Okay! Then your turn to try it on me.”

It took almost another hour of hard work but eventually Mikasa got her moment of triumph. When Eren landed with a hard thud against the dirt below she leaned over him with a wide smile on her face to admire her handiwork. At first he looked dazed, but a second later his face was splitting into a huge grin. 

“The student has surpassed the master.”

“No I haven’t!”

“I just wanted to say that. At the very least, I think you’ve learned enough hand-to-hand to impress Erwin tomorrow.” Eren jumped back to his feet, a spring in his step. “So what do you say we just hang out for the rest of the day?”

“Hang out?”

“Yeah! You deserve a breather, you’ve been working so hard. Come on, I’ll show you my favorite spot in the forest.”

“Okay.”

To Mikasa’s slight surprise, Eren reached out and took her hand to lead her. The gesture seemed involuntary for him, a natural thing to do, but Mikasa found herself unable to keep the flush out of her cheeks this time. She was relieved he was facing ahead and not looking at her for most of the walk.

He led her to a tiny brook just off the trail a little ways into the woods behind the training area. It was shallow, a relatively small amount of water, but it was enough to create a pleasant babbling noise as it fell over a flat rock formation to produce a small waterfall. Now it was Mikasa’s turn to break into a smile.

“It’s beautiful!”

Eren looked rather pleased. “I found it all by myself. You get bored around here when there’s nothing to do except study things and plan. That stuff has always been more of Armin’s forte anyway, not mine.”

He sat down on the ground and began sliding off his boots.

“You prefer being out in the field?”

“I mean, fighting Titans is always intense, but not fighting them head-on just makes me feel like I’m not actually doing anything.”

“But you’re all working towards taking back Shiganshina, isn’t that something?”

“Yeah of course. It’s just… It’s been four years, you know? I knew- we all knew- that it was going to take time to develop a way under the government’s nose but that doesn’t make waiting any more fun.”

Mikasa nodded. Eren was one of those people who always seemed to have energy bubbling just under the surface. He was like an ongoing current of lightning, waking up everything and everyone he came into contact with, hard to contain and impossible to silence. 

“Come on,” Eren motioned for Mikasa to join him in his boot removal. “We’re going on a creek walk!”

~

The cool water felt good on Mikasa’s feet, especially because her muscles all over were already starting to ache from the strain of the workouts she wasn’t used to. It was a good ache though; the kind of ache that let her know she was getting stronger.

She and Eren spent the rest of the afternoon walking down the creek with their bare feet in the water, talking happily and laughing and catching each other when they accidentally slipped on rocks. 

“My parents used to do stuff like this with me when I was a kid,” Mikasa told him eventually during a moment of silence. 

“Yeah?”

“They liked to show me different plants and animals in the forest. My mother kept a garden too.”

“It sounds like they had a lot of respect the world, especially if it was important enough to them to pass the knowledge onto you.”

Mikasa felt her chest constrict at Eren’s words. She cast around for something to distract herself. “See? This growing here is chamomile, and that tree over there is a Silver Birch…”

They came to a halt now, Eren watching and listening to Mikasa’s impromptu lecture intently. When she grew silent, he whistled softly.

“You’ve kept their memories alive and well.”

Mikasa turned to look back at him her eyes welling with emotion, wanting so badly to tell him about her dream from a few nights ago, ask someone if they had any idea what it might mean. But instead, what came out of her mouth was, “Why is it so important to get back to Shiganshina?”

Eren blinked, so Mikasa continued. “I mean I get why it’s important to people like you and Armin and me, but why is the whole squad in on this?”

He gazed at her for a moment of silence, his eyes searching her face intensely. Then he abruptly took a few steps towards her, splashing in the water of the stream, and reached below the collar of his shirt.

For a wild moment of confusion Mikasa thought he was going to yank his whole shirt off, but instead he pulled from beneath it a gold key held around his neck by a black cord and brought it up to her eye level.

“This is the only thing I have left from my father. I haven’t seen him in many years and I have no idea where he is, but one of the last things I remember is him giving me this key and telling me that no matter what, I have to get back to the basement of my old house someday. That the answers to this whole Titan mess are there.”

Mikasa stared at the little key with wide eyes as it glittered innocently in the sunlight.

“Oh...”

Eren smiled, but this one didn’t reach his eyes all the way.

“Yeah. So that’s what you’re in for. Still in?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Because tomorrow Erwin’s going to make you an official member of the Survey Corps. Just wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the feedback I've been getting on here, tumblr, and ff.net!! It really keeps me going so please keep it coming. x)


	6. Storm

“I got my fingers laced together  
And I made a little prison  
And I’m locking up everyone  
Who ever laid a finger on me.”  
~Lorde, “Yellow Flicker Beat"

~

“Eren… as much as I enjoy you pacing around nervously while I’m trying to work, is there something you want to talk about, by any chance?”

Armin’s voice jerked Eren out of his racing thoughts and he paused mid-stride to smile over at his friend guiltily.

“Sorry… It’s just I’m still trying to work it all out myself,” he explained.

“Well you didn’t come down here for no reason so what’s up?”

“It’s… it’s probably nothing. You’re right, I should stop bugging you. I’ll be going now…”

“Eren,” Armin didn’t raise his voice but his tone let Eren know he wasn’t going anywhere. He put down his wrench to turn and look Eren directly in the eyes. “I know you better than that. What’s wrong? Is it one of your dreams?”

“No, not this time.”

“Shifter problems?”

Eren smiled grimly. “No.”

He dropped his gaze again but he could feel Armin’s still boring into him. Suddenly he was regretting having come down here at all. Why talk about it? Talking about it would only make what a terrible person he was more of a reality. But it was too late to hope Armin would let it go now.

“Is it Mikasa?”

There was a jolt from the pit of his stomach as Armin said her name. He continued his refusal to meet his friend’s stare but opened his mouth to let out a sigh.

“I think I might be losing my mind.”

“Why? Because you have feelings for her?”

“What?! I don’t… I mean… It’s not like…”

“Eren.” That was all Armin said aloud, but every inch of his infuriating smirk finished the thought: you’re not fooling anyone.

Eren rolled his eyes. “Okay so maybe it is like that a little. Would you stop smiling like that? It’s annoying.”

“Sorry! I just never thought I’d see the day Eren Jeager fell in love with anything other than killing Titans.”

“No. No, don’t do this. You are supposed to be the logical one. You’re supposed to be pointing out all the reasons why this is wrong… why I should just forget about it… I don’t know, talk me out of it or something!”

“Eren. You and I both know that there is never any talking you out of anything. Besides what is there to talk you out of, exactly? So you like someone, is that really such a bad thing?”

“It is when I shouldn’t like her!”

“Why shouldn’t you like her?”

“Because! Because… well I’ve only known her for a few days for one thing…”

“Weirder things have happened.”

Armin studied his friend’s face intently, but Eren merely stared at the ground in thought, quiet for a second before continuing. 

“I can’t explain it, but it doesn’t feel like I just met her, you know? It feels like… it feels like she always should have been there… somehow…”

“I know you never fully stopped talking about her since that day. Sometimes it was the only thing you’d bring up other than swearing revenge on all the Titans. Maybe that’s partly why.”

“Maybe… I don’t know it feels like more than that.”

“Well at any rate, it seems like you’ve answered for yourself why that reason for not liking her is stupid, next please?”

Eren glared at him. “That was the least bad one though.”

“Enlighten me.”

Eren glanced over his shoulder wearily at the doorway. He was the only one who ever really came to visit Armin in the lab, and even Hange appeared to have other places to be this morning. It was all quiet.

“There’s… her past…”

Armin watched him carefully. “Where was she all this time?”

“If I tell you, you can’t tell anyone, got it? The others… if they knew… it might not be good.”

“You can trust me, Eren. Always.”

Eren took a deep breath and began to describe the hell he’d seen back in the city as Armin’s eyes grew bigger and bigger. The putrid conditions, the greedy men, the starving girls.

“I’ve never seen anything like it, Armin! And I mean, I knew that the situation in the inner circles was getting more corrupt but still… the fact that a place like that existed… They treated those girls like animals! They just tied her up and tossed her in the room! And she was there for ten years…”

Eren’s eyes had grown very bright now and his whole body shook. Armin reached out a comforting hand to put on his shoulder.

“You didn’t know.”

“But I knew she was out there somewhere! I should have looked harder, I should have started looking sooner…”

“You know that wasn’t an option. We were only kids Eren. And then there was the whole Wall Maria issue… You really can’t blame yourself. You got her back now, that’s all that matters. Do you think you only like her because you feel guilty or something?”

“No, I don’t think it’s like that. I was going to get her out and then send her off to start her own new life in the world, but then I actually saw her there and I just… I don’t know. There’s something about her, Armin. That place would have broken down any normal person, but it didn't break her. She’s got this strength to her that’s beyond belief, even in training you can see how she never gives up on anything. I just want to be around her, I want to get to know her better, I… even back when I’d just gotten her out of there I knew I wanted her to stay around,” he finished, lamely, his face on fire, determinedly avoiding meeting Armin’s eyes.

“Okay… so once again I’m failing to see the problem here…”

“Well isn’t that selfish? She didn’t need to be dragged into all of this! She’s been through enough as it is!”

“Eren. Let me ask you something. Did you force her to come here?”

“No! Of course not.”

“Okay. So she came to the Survey Corps of her own free will and said she wanted to join of her own choice.”

“Yes, but-”

“No buts! You might have the world on your shoulders but that doesn’t mean everything that ever happens is your fault!”

“Speaking of that, she doesn’t even know my secret yet. Not the dreams… not the shifting… none of it. Add that to the list.”

“She’ll find out eventually! It’s not your fault, Levi just thought it was best to not tell her yet, you know that! We have to make sure she’s one hundred percent trustworthy.”

“It still doesn’t change that I’m lying to her. After all that she just comes here to have people lie to her some more. Nice.”

“You’ll tell her! You just can’t tell her right now.”

Eren hung his head, feeling the truth he’d been trying to ignore sink through his chest like a lead weight. He couldn’t look up at Armin as he finally choked out in a small voice, “I don’t know if I want to.”

Armin was silent, contemplating his answer.

“Makes sense,” he said finally. “It’s a big secret to tell. But you know you have to, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Even if we don’t tell her, she’s going to find out eventually just being on the squad.”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“What if she’s scared of me, Armin?”

"Then she'd be smart!"

Armin grinned and gave Eren a light punch on the arm to show he was joking but Eren couldn't bring himself to laugh. His stomach was churning uncomfortably at the thought of Mikasa's face if he tried to tell her. She'd looked so much happier since they’d arrived at headquarters, and the mere thought of ripping that away from her absolutely shattered him.

“Hey, Eren,” Armin had grown serious again, his attempt at lightheartedness failed. “Don’t worry about it so much, okay? Everything will work itself out. If she feels the same way about you, she won’t let this get in the way.”

“Thanks,” Eren got up, keeping his head bowed as he stood to leave the laboratory. “But I don’t know if she can ever feel the same way about me.”

~

Under the faint glow of the early morning sun, the stomping of hooves in the dirt announced the return of Commander Erwin to his troops. Perfectly polished boots raised small clouds of dust around them as he dismounted his white horse swiftly in the stables, securing the horse there safely and turning around.

“You know, you really aren’t as sneaky as you think.”

For a moment it appeared that he was only talking to the shadows, but then the slight form of Captain Levi shifted to make himself known, allowing the sun from the window to illuminate his face.

“I wasn’t really trying to be sneaky, I just wanted to catch you before you go inside.”

“Is it that important?”

“We’ve got a new recruit.”

Erwin raised his eyebrows imperiously. “Oh?”

“A girl from the Shiganshina district. Named Mikasa Ackerman.”

He let the information fall through the air between them like it might explode.

“Ackerman?”

“That’s what she says.”

“I thought you were the last since Kenny died.”

“I thought so too.”

“Are you sure she’s telling the truth?”

“Her parents were killed before the Wall Maria fell and she was kidnapped by sex traffickers. She’s been locked up in some whore house in the inner circle ever since. Jaeger saw it himself, he got her out. I don’t think she knows anything about the family history. There’s no way she would even know to lie about it.”

 

“Hold on… Jaeger left?”

Levi rolled his eyes at the ceiling in clear exasperation. “Yeah.”

“Get that kid under control, Captain.”

“You know just as well as I do how impossible of an order that is to follow.”

Erwin shook his head but let the matter drop, other matters at hand in far more need of attention.

“So you’re not the last Ackerman. Any idea who her father was?”

“No, I’ve been waiting for the right moment to talk to her. I’m still not sure how much she can be trusted. Her parents might not have filled her in on the history, but she might be withholding other information.”

A slight smirk crept its way across Erwin’s face as Levi spoke, succeeding in causing Levi’s glare to increase in intensity.

“What?”

“You’re being too paranoid.”

“What?! You know we have to be cautious about everything, especially these days…”

“It sounds like that girl has been through hell. The last thing she’d worry about is trying to intentionally withhold information from the Survey Corps. At this point, I think the only way we can learn more is by talking to her.”

Levi nodded stiffly. “Fine. I’ll talk to her as soon as I get the chance. But you’ve got to let her on the squad officially first. She’s been training for three days for your evaluation.”

“Very well,” Erwin said with a nod, beginning to head for the castle, Levi at his side. “Let’s see what she’s got.”

~

Not far away from where the Commander and Captain were conspiring, two girls were laying in the middle of a meadow, neglecting their assigned daily chore of gathering firewood. The freckled brunette leaned back on one hand while the petite blonde lay with her head in the other girl’s lap, holding the hand she wasn’t leaning on and tracing circles in it with her delicate fingers.

“What if it’s true?” she murmured absentmindedly, seemingly continuing a conversation they’d been having for much longer, though they hadn’t spoken since they’d arrived.

“What’s true?”

“What the old man said. About me being a princess.”

The freckled girl’s eyes followed the circles her girlfriend was tracing over her palm as she contemplated her answer. “You know I’ve always thought you were different, Krista. You shine brighter than any of us, especially when you’re being the real you.”

Krista blushed and sat up to give the other girl two kisses: a soft peck right on the nose and another, soft and lingering on her lips.

“Well thank you, Ymir, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m royalty.”

“I’m serious! What made you bring this up anyway? I thought we agreed that old geezer was just nuts?”

“I don’t know,” Krista picked up a blade of grass now to pick at thoughtfully as her mind recycled all the same recollections yet again. “Ever since that day in the marketplace I’ve been starting to remember things. Only I don’t know if I’m just dreaming them up because I want it to be true, or if I’m remembering real things that I’d chosen to forget until now.”

“Like what?”

“It’s hard to explain… Things my mother said… Things that didn’t make sense at the time… And there’s a girl.”

“A girl?!” There was a slight note of alarm in Ymir’s voice. Krista giggled.

“Nothing like that. Just someone… I feel like I knew… but if I knew her that well, how could I have forgotten her?”

Ymir watched her carefully but Krista’s gaze was far off into the distance, miles away from either of them, her brow wrinkled in concentration as she fought for some scrap of the memories from her past that were so fragmented. 

“And if I were royalty, why did I have to grow up the way I did? I didn’t live in the palace with the King. I didn’t have people doting on me every second… I just had that woman. And they killed her anyway. Why would they have killed someone who gave birth to royalty?”

A shadow that escaped Krista’s notice crossed Ymir’s face very briefly before it was replaced by set determination. She put a thumb and forefinger gently under Krista’s chin and turned her so they were looking directly into each others’ eyes.

“Don’t think about her, okay?”

Krista gave another little giggle that infiltrated straight to Ymir’s heart, as always. She was helpless to her yearning as she caught her girlfriend’s lips in a fierce kiss, pouring her love into her, wanting to singlehandedly chase away those years of worthlessness she’d faced when they’d hidden her away.

If only she knew… 

Ymir wanted nothing more than to tell her everything, to say the words she knew would lift the burden straight from her fragile shoulders, and yet she couldn’t. The time wasn’t right. She had to be completely ready.

And… of course telling her would require revealing the one thing Ymir wasn’t ready to reveal yet.

Krista broke their kiss gently and murmured, “We should probably start getting that firewood now.”

Ymir nodded and stood up quickly, holding out her hands for Krista to grab so she could pull her up as well.

“Yeah. And that new girl’s being evaluated today, remember? We should probably go watch.”

“That’s another thing…” Krista bent down, beginning to gather up a few sticks in her arms as Ymir paused in reaching for her own to glance back at her. “That Mikasa… I feel like I’ve seen her somewhere before.”

This news really did startle Ymir.

“R-Really? But how could that be possible?”

“No idea,” Krista crooned vaguely. “It’s probably nothing.”

“Yeah…” Ymir finally broke her own trance to continue with their chore, trying to act like Krista’s words hadn’t fazed her at all. “Probably nothing…”

~

Mikasa tried to remain calm that morning but from the moment she woke up she could feel a persistent knot in her stomach that seemed like it was there to stay. Logically she knew the feeling was silly; that she had been doing quite well in training with Eren, but that knowledge alone didn’t seem to help. She dressed absentmindedly, thinking she’d go down to the mess hall for breakfast next, but then halfway down the stairs she realized that her appetite had deserted her. Sitting around waiting for the evaluation to begin wasn’t going to do her any good at this point. So instead of going to join the cluster of voices she heard floating from down the hall, Mikasa turned the other way once she’d reached the bottom of the stairs and slipped out the front doors of the castle, heading for the training area.

The cool mid-morning air outside grasped lightly at her hair, sending it drifting lazily around her face and playing with the ends of her scarf. She breathed it in deeply, trying to let it relax her, and it worked a little; on the surface her limbs began to loosen up, but she could still feel the knot at her core reminding her that she couldn’t let her guard down until she’d landed on two feet at the end of that evaluation course.

She found one of the training dummies that had been set up outside to practice marksmanship and hand-to-hand combat with, and began throwing a few warm-up punches at it. Once she felt her limbs start to loosen more with the continued movement, her strikes grew stronger and faster, each blow finally beginning to unravel the ball of stress within her. She let herself get lost in the exercise, the therapeutic power behind each precise strike, the satisfaction of feeling her own strength rushing through her veins.

Mikasa became so engrossed in her workout that she lost track of the world. She didn’t notice as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky. She didn’t notice as dark clouds began to roll in ominously in the distance. And she didn’t notice as someone approached her carefully from the direction of the castle.

“Hey.”

Jumping about three feet in the air and letting out an embarrassing squawk of surprise, Mikasa rounded on the newcomer and aimed a wild swing at him that had originally been meant for the training dummy. Luckily, Eren ducked just in time.

“Whoa!” he laughed, throwing his hands up on either sides of his head in surrender. He was holding a hunk of bread in one of them. “I come in peace!”

Mikasa blinked, slowly coming out of her endorphin-induced trance. “Eren?”

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I just noticed you didn’t come to breakfast, and I thought you might want something to eat by now. Don’t want to face Erwin on an empty stomach!” he held out the bread sheepishly.

Mikasa took a few more deep breath and realized that as she hadn’t noticed the hours passing by, she also hadn’t noticed the gnawing sensation growing in her stomach the longer she’d burned off her nerves. She reached out to accept the bread gratefully.

“Thank you.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she managed a small closed-mouth smile at him as she chewed and swallowed a bite of bread. “I’ve just been a kind of nervous this morning, honestly.”

Eren nodded. “Yeah, I don’t blame you. But seriously, you just keep going like you have in practice and you’ll be fine. I know it.”

Mikasa nodded but felt the knot in her stomach already beginning to come back the longer she remained stationary. The next bite she took of bread was considerably smaller.

“I need to sit down,” she said finally.

“Sure… do you want me to leave you alone? I’d understand if-”

“Please stay.”

She walked over and slumped back against the trunk of a nearby tree, sinking down to the forest floor, her legs sprawled out in front of her. Eren followed suit, falling next to her in a similar fashion. The moments passed in silence as Mikasa finished bite after bite of bread, but when it was gone, her hands kept twitching restlessly. She was worried if she opened her mouth to speak to Eren any more the fuel he’d just given her would come back up of its own accord, and that was the last thing she wanted, so instead she screwed up her courage, reached out, and took his hand.

Eren tensed at the sudden contact and glanced over at her in surprise, but when he saw the look on her face he smiled at her comfortingly and relaxed, giving her hand a slight squeeze. Mikasa could feel her heart rate begin to even out at his warm touch, her breathing beginning to come more easily. The returning knot loosened its hold on her insides again as well. They sat there in comfortable silence for a long time after that. Part of Mikasa wished she could freeze time in that moment, but of course the ongoing march of the universe its own ideas.

After a while, Eren tilted his head to the side to look over at her.

“Mikasa, I-”

“Jaeger! Ackerman!” 

Whatever Eren was about to say was lost on his lips as he and Mikasa both jumped to their feet like they’d been stuck with hot pokers. Mikasa dropped Eren’s hand instantaneously, snapping into the salute Eren had taught her a few days ago as she turned to face the unmistakable voice of Captain Levi. He was headed over from the direction of headquarters, flanked by the entire rest of the squad and a new man: tall and intimidating, every step he took radiating with authority.

“That’s the Commander,” Eren hissed to her under his breath, and Mikasa stood up even taller, raising her chin to meet Erwin’s eyes as he approached.

“Ackerman, I presume?” he asked her, his expression stony.

Mikasa inclined her chin a few inches but did not break eye contact with the Commander. “Yes, Sir.”

“We’ve been looking for you this morning.”

“My apologies, Commander. I needed to clear my head a bit before the evaluation.”

Erwin nodded. “Will you be ready to start soon? It looks like a storm is on the way. We should finish before it hits.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good.”

Erwin turned to address the rest of the troops. “Please clear a space. The evaluation is about to begin. I’d like to examine your hand-to-hand combat skills first.”

Mikasa’s heart lurched. This was the part she’d been the most worried about.

Erwin motioned her forward and she obeyed, walking to the center of the clearing where everyone else had lined up in a sort-of semicircle to create a large open space in the middle. She looked around all of their faces, most of which were unreadable, until she got to Armin. She couldn’t help but break into a tiny smile as he beamed at her and flashed a double thumbs up in her direction.

“Annie,” Erwin’s voice rang out, and Mikasa started a little. “Why don’t you come and be her sparring partner?”

Mikasa blinked. “But… But Sir, I’ve been training the past few days with Eren.”

“All the more reason for you to face someone you haven’t fought yet. How well can you adapt, Mikasa?”

Mikasa swallowed, trying to calm her racing heart as Annie Leonhardt stepped out of the line-up to face her. The other girl remained as disarmingly impassive as ever, even as she began to sink into her fighting stance. Erwin stepped back, getting ready to give the order for them to begin, and Mikasa dropped to her fighting stance as well, trying to keep her head clear. In the split second before Erwin could yell “go,” she chanced a glance over at Eren, who’d long since moved to the side to stand next to Armin. He didn’t smile, but determination burned in his eyes as he met hers, confidence exuding from the nod he sent her way. One single nod. But that was all she needed.

“Go!”

It was Annie who took the first swing. The blow came more quickly than Mikasa had expected, and she just barely managed to dodge out of the way, only to be met again on the other side by another blow that connected with her cheek. She jumped back, trying to shake it off as she glared into Annie’s cold eyes, preparing to fire her own attack. But when she launched forward, the blonde met her every move, blocking each strike with expert precision, like she knew everything Mikasa was going to try milliseconds before she could even make the shot. Then she’d swiped her leg underneath Mikasa’s moving feet and had knocked her flat on her back, winded, still trying to comprehend what exactly had just happened. It had all been too fast.

On the sidelines, Eren took an inadvertent step forward, his fists clenched, but Armin placed a hand on his shoulder, reminding him wordlessly that they couldn’t interfere.

Back on the ground, as reality finally sank in, humiliation came with it. Part of Mikasa didn’t want to sit up and face the rest of the group at all, but then Erwin’s voice was booming out over the clearing. 

“Go again!”

Annie appeared above her in her line of vision, offering a hand out to help pull her up, which Mikasa accepted. The two girls faced each other again, Mikasa’s brain racing this time.

She was getting another chance. Erwin was giving her another chance. But Annie’s fighting style was completely different than Eren’s, it was plain now. She wasn’t as upfront, much quicker on her feet and harder to predict. She was much less offensive and chose instead to play the defense, turning it to her advantage when possible. Now the question was how to adjust with that new knowledge in mind.

This time, Mikasa tried striking first, letting fly a barrage of attacks Annie’s way, trying to look for a weak point. But once again, it was Annie who found hers first, sending a well-aimed punch right at her gut, winding Mikasa and forcing her to her knees. In that moment, Mikasa looked up and saw a glimmer of triumph in Annie’s eyes as she raised her foot to send another finishing blow her way, and that was when Mikasa stopped thinking. 

She stopped analyzing, stopped trying to predict every upcoming move, and let something else take over her entirely. The rush of anger at the thought of being beaten again sent adrenaline coursing through her and she rolled out of the way of Annie’s flying foot, causing it to land harmlessly in the dirt as Annie’s head whipped around, trying to follow her rapidly increased movements.

But Mikasa was faster now. She’d surrendered to some part of herself she hadn’t even known existed, and suddenly it was like she’d zoned in on the battlefield like an eagle scouting its prey from above. She didn’t need to predict Annie’s actions anymore, her body told her what to do as each moment came. 

Dodge and punch and duck and swing. 

Elbow, knee. 

Grab her arm.

Shift their weight across your own body while you focus in on your center of gravity so you don’t strain yourself.

Annie soared over her shoulder and landed with a sickening thud.

Get it?

Got it.

It took Mikasa another few seconds to come out of her newfound fighting mode, but when she did the first thing she realized was that people were clapping. She looked over to the side and saw most of the squad in an absolute frenzy. 

Reiner and Bertholdt remained still and impassive, but Connie had jumped on Sasha’s back and was swinging an arm around his head, whooping wildly as Sasha danced around beneath him, cheering. Jean was clapping his hands over his head furiously, his face somewhat slack with awe. Hanji was grinning and doing a funny dance that sort of looked like she had to go to the bathroom. But then again, maybe she did. Krista and Ymir had at least maintained their composure, but were both clapping far more enthusiastically than Mikasa would have expected for people who had yet to acknowledge her existence to her face. Armin was fist pumping the air whooping and hollering almost as loud as Connie, his eyes alight. And right next to him…

Eren stood stock still. 

As their eyes met, the final remnants of Mikasa’s strange haze melted away and all her senses came rushing back, except now it was like she was hyper-aware of everything: the blood rushing to her cheeks, the soaring feeling in her stomach, the buzzing around her brain.

Because Eren Jaeger was looking at her like he’d just jumped brazenly over the edge of a seaside cliff and become frozen in the breathtaking moments before he hit the water below.

“Congratulations! You just passed round one,” Erwin called out.

Mikasa gave herself a mental shake.

“Thank you, Captain,” she turned to him and saluted, then turned to reach out a hand to help Annie up.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” 

If she was angry about her defeat, Annie was doing an amazing job of hiding it. She merely gave Mikasa a nod of concession and walked back over to stand next to Reiner and Bertholdt again.

“All right, let’s see how you do with the maneuvering gear,” Erwin announced, but by now all the tension was gone from the afternoon. The hard part was over, and Mikasa felt light as air.

She carried this feeling with her as she flew from tree to tree using the gear, making sure to show off her skills as much as possible to the spot where the group was stationed below. Erwin also asked her to demonstrate her marksmanship with the swords on one of the dummy “Titans” in the woods, which she did vehemently. 

By the time the first thunderclap sounded in the sky signaling the end of her evaluation, she landed triumphantly to more praise from the rest of the squad. Even Erwin and Levi looked impressed by now. Though neither cracked a full smile, the severity in their expressions had softened considerably, and Erwin was nodding his approval.

“You’re clearly a naturally skilled warrior, Miss Ackerman. Welcome to the squad.”

Mikasa felt her eyes go wide as his words took effect and she snapped back to a salute, unable to stop a wide smile from spreading across her face.

“Thank you, Commander! I’m eager to join the Survey Corps. I won’t let you down.”

The onlookers burst into one last round of applause and were just starting to greet their new official comrade, Eren in the lead, when Reiner’s low growl cut through the revelry.

“So that’s it? We’re just letting anyone on the squad now?”

Instantaneously, everyone fell silent and turned to stare at him.

“I mean, I know we’ve sunk pretty low the past few years, but now we’re letting in whores from the inner circle? Yeah, that’s where Jaeger found her, you know. Some whore house. I wasn’t aware the Corps was a charity case now.”

Mikasa felt the elation sucked from her like water draining from a tub, and suddenly the world was spinning for a whole new reason.

Everyone had turned back from Reiner to face her, varying degrees of shock on each prying face. All she saw was horror, all she felt was judgement, and when she finally met Eren’s eyes again she was overwhelmed by the sickening feeling of her heart dropping as a likely explanation planted itself venomously in the back of her mind.

It was too much.

She felt herself stumbling back, a pounding noise filling her head and tears threatening to spill from her eyes, until the urge to bolt overwhelmed her and she turned and fled to the forest blindly. She paid no attention to the first raindrops that were finally released from the clouds that had been looming over them all afternoon. She paid no attention to the paths of the forest or landmarks of any kind. She didn’t care where she went, as long as it was anywhere else.

And she paid no attention to the voice she heard calling her name from somewhere behind her.

~

“Mikasa!” Eren was shouting after her retreating form as it disappeared amongst the trees. “Mikasa, wait!”

Reiner scoffed. “Let her go, Jaeger. She doesn’t belong with us anyway.”

Eren rounded on the the other man, blood roaring in his ears as rage propelled him forward. His knuckles connected satisfyingly with Reiner’s jaw, sending his head jerking backwards with a sickening cracking noise as he fell back a few steps before catching himself. For a second, all he could do was blink at Eren dumbly.

“How dare you?” Eren hissed, his body trembling as he seethed in fury. “What the HELL did she ever do to you?”

Reiner had seemed to get his bearings back now and let out a low growl, starting towards Eren menacingly, but two sets of hands grabbed him around the arms to pull him back. It appeared Annie and Bertholdt were the first two to finally break out of the stunned silence that had taken hold of everyone else.

“Keep it together, Reiner.”

“He’s not worth it.”

Reiner continued to fume in their arms, possibly contemplating how exactly to break free, but the loudest clap of thunder yet ripped through the tension in the clearing like a battering ram, jolting Eren to his senses. He surveyed the sky above, feeling raindrops start to hit his face, and realized that this was not the place he needed to be right now.

Before anyone could stop him, he was racing off through the trees too.

He had a feeling he knew where to find her.

~

Though Mikasa hadn’t started out with any destination in mind as she ran, her feet apparently had plans of their own because by the time she’d started to regain her senses, she found herself at Eren’s creek. She also found that the rain was starting to pick up in intensity, splattering across her and sinking through her clothes to her skin and sending chills through her, but she didn’t care.

She didn’t care about the lightning overhead. Or the thunder.

The reality of her situation was finally catching up with her though she’d tried so hard to outrun it, and she found herself sinking to her knees on the side of the creek, forgotten 3-D maneuvering gear clunking around her as she hit the dirt and peered into the clear water before her.

The reflection looking back at her was distorted by the increasing number of raindrops falling all around, but she could somewhat make it out. Her pale, pallid visage. Her dead eyes. Her inky black hair hanging limply and beginning to stick to her face and neck the wetter it got. She thought she’d come so far, that she could start over with the Survey Corps, but now she knew that she’d been wrong to ever dare dream. That place was never going to let her go, no matter how far she got from it, it was always going to come back to haunt her. With a cry, she threw an angry fist fruitlessly at the creek’s surface, letting it splash up around her.

By now the water from the creek met with the rain to make sure she was completely drenched, but she didn’t care. Let it fall. Let it soak her to the skin. Let it wash every last trace of her away for all she cared. She closed her eyes and tilted her face up to the sky, welcoming the numbing siege from above.

And that was the position she was still in when she heard a single set of footsteps approaching her from behind.

He didn’t say anything for a long time as he joined her at the water’s edge, and though Mikasa was acutely aware of his presence next to her, she did not open her eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured finally, his voice hoarse. “I’m so sorry, Mikasa, I-”

“Eren… did you tell Reiner?” her eyes remained closed as she cut him off. She wasn’t ready to face him yet. She wasn’t ready to look into those pleading eyes and everything they used to mean to her.

“No! No, I swear I didn’t.”

Mikasa finally blinked her eyes open to look over at him accusingly.

“But…” and now it was Eren’s turn to look away as he spoke. “But, I told Armin. And I think Reiner might have overheard.”

Mikasa nodded slowly. There was another strike of lightning overhead. Another clap of thunder. She turned her face towards the sky again.

“I see.”

“Mikasa…”

“I think I’d like to be left alone now, Eren.”

She refused to look at him anymore, but she could sense his hesitation to leave.

“But… the storm…”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure…?”

“Leave me alone!” she heard the words rip from her throat like someone else had shouted them, but had no desire to take them back now. She closed her eyes again and listened to the rustling next to her as he stood up and trudged away through the trees. 

It wasn’t until Mikasa was sure his footsteps had faded away completely into the distance that she finally let herself break.

She let the salt of her tears fall with the rain and let out a strangled cry of frustration. The hurt throbbing inside her chest had finally reached unbearable levels. Never had she felt so trapped in her own body. Trapped by her own past. Trapped by her own existence. She clutched at her hair, cursing the way it was clinging all over, sticking to her uncomfortably, much too long, untouched by shears of any kind since she’d been taken into that hell of an existence so many years ago. The last shred left to remind her of everything she was trying to cast away.

The last…

The very last…

Mikasa froze.

She brought a handful of the raven hair she’d been gripping and brought it slowly around to eye-level, a feverish idea beginning to take shape. Before she could re-think it, before she could regret the choice at all, she’d drawn one of the swords from the gear still hanging around her waist. She gathered all of her hair into one fist and in a single swift swipe of the shining blade, her entire head suddenly felt lighter and the bundle of black she’d been gripping was in front of her, severed at the ends.

Slowly, her breathing began to even out and the tears stopped falling after that. For reasons she could not explain, the longer she stared at the dead, soaking wet locks of hair in her hand, the more the pain in her chest began to recede.

She could, and would, keep going, no matter what. She was here for a reason, a reason bigger than a boy and bigger than petty disagreements with comrades. No matter what Reiner said, deep down she knew that she was finally exactly where she needed to be. And no one was going to chase her away.

Before Mikasa turned to finally make her way back to headquarters, she leaned over the the creek one more time and let the sliced bundle of hair drop into the water, watching as the rain took hold to wash it all away downstream until there wasn’t a single strand left anymore.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading!! I'll get the next chapter posted as soon as I can. :)


	7. Walls

“Every time you close your eyes  
Lies, lies.”  
~Arcade Fire, “Rebellion (Lies)”

~

The world was swallowing itself whole.  
The screams of the people echoed in the crimson sky.  
The trees trembled and fell at the feet of mountains.  
The earth split itself apart, swallowing the seas, spewing fire, eradicating any evidence that its surface had ever sustained life at all.  
All was lost.  
So, utterly lost.  
And then, they appeared in the West.  
Their silhouettes towering against the sky of death.  
Marching...  
Marching...

From separate ends of Survey Corps headquarters, two pieces of the puzzle shot straight up in their beds, their foreheads bathed in sweat, the horrifying vision still dancing across the darkness of reality.

~

The clouds hung heavily in the sky long after the rain had gone, choking out the rising sun the next morning.

Mikasa woke, the gray-tinged room feeling as though it were already sometime in the mid-evening, though the silence of the castle let her know that it was still early. She rose slowly, rubbing her temples, a headache having set in overnight. She figured it must be a combination of a lack of food and lack of sleep. Her night had been restless, plagued with vague and terrifying nightmares that she couldn’t explain. Something about them felt very strange, yet for the life of her she could not figure out why…

In the end, she decided to just write it all off as nerves for the time being. She’d avoided the dining hall last night, not quite ready to face her new teammates yet, but she knew she couldn’t go on this way. Hunger was starting to eat away at her insides again. She’d have to face them all eventually: those same faces, judging, appraising, speculating. The thought made her insides squirm.

Mikasa swung her legs out from under the sheets and stood on the stone floor, figuring she should start preparing now for the onslaught. 

When she’d arrived back in her room the previous night, dripping wet and shivering, she’d found a new jacket and cape awaiting her, both adorned with what she now knew were the Wings of Freedom. The jacket was identical to the ones the rest of the squad always wore, and the cape was the same as the one Eren had worn on her first day out of hell. Now, she pulled on the jacket over the clothes she’d been given on day one, marveling at its perfect fit. Somehow, being in uniform made facing everyone else feel a little more manageable. She was dressed for battle now, after all. 

Mikasa took a moment in front of the mirror before leaving to appraise her new appearance now that she was an official member of the Survey Corps. Something within her had changed the night before, and she could feel it simultaneously lifting her chin yet weighing heavily on her heart, enclosing it in a wall of stone. Her new hair hung sharply at her neck, accentuating her set jawline, but she found she rather liked it that way. There were no reminders left now. 

The others might know now, might hold it over her head forever, but she refused to do the same to herself. Downright refused.

She closed her bedroom door, Eren’s scarf still left hanging on a hook in her closet.  
~

Mikasa managed to remain calm all the way down to breakfast, but felt her heart speed up just as she was about to enter the dining hall. Before she could be overtaken by panic, she forced herself to take the last few steps inside. 

The talk around the big table at the center of the room faltered as people noticed her enter. Time seemed to slow down as most turned to look at her, and much to Mikasa’s frustration, Eren’s eyes were the first she found. She tore her gaze from him quickly with a jolt to the pit of her stomach, not wanting to see anything there, not ready to face what had been broken.

Time seemed to slow down as she registered everyone else’s faces: Armin with his big blue eyes a mass of pity and sorrow, Sasha with her eyes wide and her mouth slightly agape. Jean with his brow furrowed and his mouth set in a thin line. However, no one moved, and Mikasa realized she’d been standing there for a long time in silence, awkwardness beginning to take hold in the absence of sound. Finally, Captain Levi broke the tension.

“Good morning Ms. Ackerman. Have a seat. And again, welcome officially to the squad.”

Next to him, Commander Erwin and Hange nodded their approval. They didn’t seem perturbed by the events that had occurred after her evaluation the day before. Mikasa nodded in their direction thankfully. “Thank you, sir.”

“Mikasa! There’s a spot over here next to me!” Sasha called over cheerfully, apparently also eager to rid the room of tension. 

“Thanks Sasha,” Mikasa murmured, moving swiftly to take the empty seat. She could feel Eren’s eyes following her every step of the way but determinedly avoided them, relieved that Sasha was sitting on the opposite end of the table from him. But it was then, as she stubbornly refused to return Eren’s gaze, that Mikasa found herself locked in Reiner’s austere stare instead. Her insides turned to ice almost instantly, an uncomfortable prickling sensation stinging at the back of her neck, her lungs forgetting to work. Her mind drew a complete blank, at a loss for what she should do or what she even wanted to do. She just stood there dumbly, staring, not daring to break eye contact, not sure if she was even able. 

It was Reiner who shattered the stillness.

He stood up straight, his expression never changing, his eyes never leaving Mikasa’s, and snapped to a salute.

“Ackerman! I apologize for my behavior yesterday. It was out of line. I had no business to be opening my mouth the way I did. Welcome to the Corps.”

Mikasa blinked at him, now dumbstruck for a completely new reason. For a fleeting moment, she wanted to smile in relief, to reach out and shake his hand, accept the peace. But she bristled again, feeling the warning bell clang in her mind and the newly set stone tighten around her heart. 

A soft, unkind smirk toyed at the corners of Reiner’s mouth. Probably unnoticeable to anyone else in the room, but Mikasa saw. This wasn’t a true apology, it was just him cleaning up his mess and trying to make sure he remained on good terms with the rest of his comrades. Maybe the Captain or the Commander had even put him up to it. However, at this point, there was really only one way to react, and she knew it.

She slowly inclined her head to him in a slow nod, keeping her expression as neutral as possible.

“Thank you, Reiner. I appreciate your apology. I hope from now on we can work together successfully as teammates.”

She knew her voice sounded dead, but she didn’t care. To the others, the fact that she said the words aloud was all that mattered. The room seemed to relax as she sat down to join Sasha, everyone resuming eating and conversing. Mikasa ate, but did not join in, even when Sasha tried to ask her opinion on something or another.

Everyone was finishing up and starting to file out of the hall when Captain Levi stopped Mikasa at the door.

“Ackerman, please come with me. There are some important things I need to discuss with you.”

~

Levi didn’t say anything else as he led Mikasa outside, past the training area and back towards the forests again. In the meantime, Mikasa tried to stop herself from casting confused sidelong glances at him as she racked her brains, trying to figure out what he could possibly have to discuss with her.

Perhaps it had to do with the incident yesterday, although it seemed like the events at breakfast should have concluded that. Perhaps now that she’d officially joined, she was about to be let in on some kind of secret knowledge, the kind of thing everyone else seemed to be backing away from telling her whenever they got close. Perhaps he was going to tell her he’d changed his mind, and that it wasn’t a good idea for her to stay after all…

Just as she thought she was about to drive herself crazy from the thoughts stumbling over each other as they raced across her mind, Levi finally spoke.

“I’m sorry about the incident with Reiner yesterday. I’m afraid it might have been my fault.”

Mikasa did look over at him now, unable to hide her astonishment.

“Your fault…?”

“I took it upon myself to enlighten the Commander about your situation before he evaluated you. There are some important details regarding your parentage that I wanted to talk about with him before we decided the best way to precede with you. We appeared to be alone at the time, but I suppose there is a chance that Braun might have overheard us.”

For the second time that morning, Mikasa found herself at a loss. A whole new mess of questions began tumbling through her brain, each seeming just as urgent as the next, paralyzing her ability to decide which to ask first.

“I don’t… Why did you-? My parentage? Precede with me?”

Thus was the embarrassingly jumbled string of half-formed thoughts that fell from her mouth.

“I understand that I informed you that your story would remain top secret when you agreed to share it with me, and for that I have no excuse. Honestly, I just forgot that I’d need to talk to the Commander about it.”

“Why did you need to tell him?”

Slowly, Mikasa’s thoughts were beginning to even out again, and as they did she was finding she had to force an effort to remain calm. 

“It was relevant to where you’ve been all this time. It’s not every day another Ackerman just pops out of the woodwork.”

“Another Ackerman?”

“What do you know about your family, Mikasa?”

“Just… we mostly kept to ourselves in the hills. My parents didn’t tell me much that I remember. Recently it started coming back to me in bits and pieces, but it’s hard to make sense of it all.”

It was true that the dreams had been very confusing, but she also wanted to avoid having to tell Levi too many details about them. Instinct told her that her parents had intended those words for her ears alone. 

“I see. So they never mentioned to you that the Ackerman family were historically the official protectors of the royal family?”

Mikasa’s mouth opened and closed dumbly like a fish out of water for a few seconds.

“Um… no?” she stuttered finally.

“Don’t get too excited. That hasn’t been the case for a very long time, but that’s the history. They had a falling out with the throne and the family name became disgraced. The Ackermans have tried to live inconspicuously in the shadows ever since.”

“So… there are still more? I still have family alive?”

Levi shrugged. “There aren’t many… but there’s one I know of for sure.”

He slowed to a halt on the path now, and Mikasa followed suit.

“Who?”

“Me.”

Silence.

“You?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

And that ‘oh’ was about the extent of what Mikasa could manage at the moment. 

“What was your father’s name, Mikasa?”

It fell from her lips in hushed tones; unspoken for many years. It was sunny gardens and cozy winter nights by the fire. It was the smell of forest herbs mixed with smoked pheasant. It was home. 

But to Levi, the syllables were empty. He let out the smallest of sighs and, unless Mikasa was much mistaken, she was almost sure she saw a trace of disappointment in his slumped shoulders. He turned away from her, cursing under his breath at the ground.

“Dumbass old man. Why couldn’t you have said more?”

“Who?”

“No one. Just someone who’s dead now.”

“Oh.”

Mikasa was becoming acutely aware of how little intelligence she was contributing to this conversation, and tried to sift through the whirlpool in her mind for something else to say.

“So… so my father was no one you knew?”

“No.”

“So… you have no idea how we’re related.”

“No. I’m sorry. I really thought we could be onto something. But as usual, I come up one goddamn piece of information too short.”

“You act like there’s some bigger mystery at work here. You all do. What exactly is going on?” 

“I wish I knew.”

The non-answer finally struck a nerve. 

“No, don’t give me that. You know more than you’re telling me. I’m part of the Survey Corps now, why can’t I know more? How am I supposed to help if I only have half the information everybody else has?”

Levi suddenly looked very tired, even more so than usual.

“You’re still new, Ackerman. You’re a good fighter, and we’re happy to have you along, but I need to pick and choose whom I tell what, and when. I think there’s a traitor in our midst. And obviously it’s not you, but I can’t have anybody holding too many cards at once. Too much of a risk. It’s nothing personal. You understand, right?”

“Hold on, a traitor? Who?”

“If I knew that, don’t you think they’d be gone by now?”

Mikasa continued to glare at him but could think of no retort.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you any more information at the time. But if you wouldn’t mind not telling the others about our shared name, I’d appreciate it. Save for Commander Erwin, they don’t know my family history.”

Mikasa snorted derisively, to which Levi flashed her a severe look.

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep your secret,” she said. “Just… it’s kind of ironic, don’t you think?”

If Levi agreed, he didn’t answer. It seemed he was finished with the conversation. He began to walk away, only to be stopped after a few steps by Mikasa’s voice.

“Just… tell me one thing, please. What exactly does the Survey Corps fight for, Captain?”

Levi shrugged again. “Freedom. I thought Jaeger would have told you that.”

He turned away again, truly concluding the conversation this time, leaving Mikasa alone to process everything she’d just learned, or hadn’t learned.

~

Annie managed to wait until they had managed to get away from the others in the early hours of the morning again before she unleashed her full fury on Reiner.

“What the hell was that?” she growled finally, rounding on him. “You are going to blow this for all of us!”

Reiner growled right back at her. “I was hoping she’d get kicked off the squad.”

“And how was that supposed to help us?”

“Having her here is dangerous. I’ve been trying to tell you guys, when I overheard the Captain tell the Commander about her past, he also mentioned her family name. She’s an Ackerman.”

His words were met with raised eyebrows from both Annie and Bertholdt.

“Haven’t heard that name in awhile,” Annie muttered finally.

“I know.”

“She doesn’t seem to remember anything about them though. Did you hear the Captain say anything else?”

“No. They were getting too far away to hear by then.”

“Okay,” Annie leaned back against a tree, constructing various scenarios and procedures in her head. “Here’s what we do. You need to apologize.”

“Why?”

“They’re not going to kick her out if they didn’t already. We can’t afford to make enemies of anyone here. We’ve worked too hard for too long to gain their trust.”

“Exactly,” Bertholdt put in. “They all consider us friends. Don’t you think they’d side with us over some new girl?”

“Jaeger wouldn’t.”

“Are you sure about that? He came back to the castle alone last night.”

“Did he?” Annie fell silent again as Reiner and Bertholdt watched her closely, awaiting her next instruction.

“I still don’t think they’ll kick her out, so you still need to apologize, Reiner. Do it as soon as possible. Breakfast works, she’ll have to come to that. Now…”

Annie realized that a few options had come forward to present themselves, but as she was mulling them over, her comrades were growing impatient.

“I think we should go back to Plan A,” Reiner blurted out, finally. “We might have a chance again, if the new girl is mad at Jaeger. You know, you could make a move while he’s down? I still say it would be much easier to get him to comply if he goes with us willingly.”

Annie groaned, but she knew Reiner had a point. “I hate Plan A.”

“But if it still has a chance, isn’t it better than making everyone hate us?” Bertholdt asked her, gently.

“You two have gone soft.”

“You have to admit I have a point though,” Bert didn’t let up with his pleading brown eyes.

“Fine! I’ll try one more time. I still don’t think it’s ever going to work. And if it does, I don’t really want some sad love-struck puppy following me around anyway.”

Reiner shrugged. “Well we’ll have to kill him at some point, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that for too long…”

Annie could not hold back an eyeroll at this. “Point taken. I’ll try one more time. But, if it doesn’t work, we go back to Plan B. But… wait until after we’re on the road. I’ve been thinking it might be useful for us to see what’s in the basement when the others do.”

~

Whoosh.

Clang.

Thud.

Repeat.

Swing, chop, fall.

The work was welcomingly mind-numbing, though Eren was afraid to stop for even a second once he’d started.

He felt the weight of the axe in his arms and the breeze of air as it sailed over his head, feeling the satisfying connection as he hit each block of wood and watching them each split down the middle, falling to the side in two clean halves.

For a second, it was enough.

But just for a second.

Each pause to get a new log posed a new danger, as Eren could feel the well of tangled emotions he was trying so hard to ignore threaten to overwhelm him every time he got a chance to think about them for too long. He renewed his wood chopping with extra vigor on the next round, adding a strangled yell as he brought the axe down with all his might, the pile around him ever-growing.

“Think you’ve got enough wood there?”

Eren jumped, dropping the axe, and spun to find Armin and Connie smiling at him brightly. Annoyingly brightly. He hadn’t even heard them approach as he’d been so focused on not thinking, but now he tried to compose himself quickly. 

“What do you guys want?”

“We thought you might need some help dragging all that back to the store shed. You’ve built up quite a pile.” Connie gestured to a small wooden cart they’d brought with them. 

“Also… we might be a little worried about you,” Armin added in simpering tones that grated on Eren’s patience.

“Why would you be worried? I’m fine.”

“Eren you’ve been chopping wood for five hours.”

Eren blinked. He had to admit, he hadn’t realized quite so much time had passed. But once again, he tried to shrug it off.

“So? We needed more. Just wanted to do something productive.”

“Well… thanks,” Connie stepped over to start picking some off the ground. “But I think we’re good now. Take a breather, man, you really don’t look good. Also put your shirt back on, no one wants to see that.”

He tossed Eren’s shirt back over from where it was lying on a tree stump, and Eren threw it over his head. He could tell Connie was trying to joke around with him, but he didn’t feel like laughing. Wordlessly, he began helping the other two load the logs, tossing them into the cart with a little more force than was necessary.

After a few minutes of this, he glanced up and caught Connie and Armin exchanging a glance. 

“So… did something happen yesterday?” Armin finally dared to venture.

“With what?”

“Mikasa?”

Eren clenched his teeth at the sound of her name.

“Yeah,” he said roughly. “You were there. You saw what Reiner did.”

“I mean… after that.”

Eren froze on his way to pick up more wood, his back to the others. They couldn’t see his face.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you sure? Because I really think-”

“Yes Armin, I’m sure.”

He tossed more wood into the cart, his eyes averted. Armin and Connie had both stopped moving. Connie tried next.

“You know, if you’re having lady troubles, I could help you out! Sasha and I-”

“Would you guys stop? I’m fine. I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just get this stuff back over to headquarters. Thanks for helping out.”

Eren stormed over to the cart and picked up one handle, waiting for the others to come over and help him pull. Slowly, dejectedly, they trudged forward to pick up the other handle, all taking up the weight together.

For a few paces they walked in silence, until Armin couldn’t seem to stand it anymore.

“Fine, Eren, you don’t have to talk about it. But if I’m right about what’s going on and you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, please stop. You can’t beat yourself up about it. Just… don’t do anything unhealthy, okay?”

Eren heard, but didn’t answer his friend. He could feel the ache from all his chopping setting into his arms now as they bore their fraction of the cart’s weight, but he didn’t care. Let them ache.

Let every muscle in his body catch fire, for all he cared.

He deserved it.

~

Mikasa made her way back to the castle alone long after Levi had disappeared back inside. She wanted so desperately to discuss the things he’d told her with someone, anyone to help her make sense of it all. Of course, the first person that came to mind was the last person she wanted to see right now. She shook her head a little.

Not him.

The next person that came to mind was Armin, but she knew he wasn’t an option either. She quite liked Armin, and she knew he’d probably have very useful insights to what was going on, but he was Eren’s best friend first and foremost. She was just some girl he’d only recently met. No, Armin’s first allegiance would always go to Eren, as it should. 

And so Mikasa found herself wandering the corridors of the castle aimlessly instead, turning the same thoughts over and over in her head, not paying attention to where she was going until a giggle to her left startled her into looking up.

“Mikasa!”

There was a brown blur obscuring Mikasa’s vision and suddenly Sasha Brause was pulling her into her bedroom where Krista and Ymir were already sitting on the bed. Mikasa, meanwhile, was still trying to figure out when exactly she’d wandered near the girls’ dormitory area.

“We were just talking about you! What did Captain Levi want to talk to you about?”

They all looked at her expectantly.

“I… he just… he wanted to apologize to me again about what happened with Reiner yesterday. He thinks Reiner might have overheard him telling the Commander about it.”

It wasn’t a full lie, anyway…

“Oh! That makes sense.”

“What did you think he wanted to talk to me about?”

Sasha shrugged. “Dunno! We were just curious. Captain Levi hardly ever has private meetings with any of us. Except Eren and Armin, sometimes.”

Mikasa flinched involuntarily at Eren’s name, and immediately hoped no one had noticed. They appeared not to.

“Hey… Mikasa?” Sasha began again. “About all that stuff Reiner said… We just wanted you to know that we don’t agree with it. We don’t care where you came from, and we like that you’re here now! We haven’t had anybody new to the squad in forever, let alone another girl.”

Mikasa stared at them all, temporarily unable to talk over a large lump that had suddenly manifested in her throat. The stone around her heart cracked a little for the first time since she’d woken to find it there.

Eventually, she managed to clear her throat.

“Thanks, you guys. That means a lot.”

They all smiled at her, or at least Sasha and Krista did. Ymir didn’t seem like a very smiley person, but she nodded her agreement.

“What’s the deal with Reiner anyway? I don’t really know what I did to make him hate me so much.”

The other three girls all looked at each other.

“I don’t think he really hates you personally,” Krista offered slowly.

“It seemed pretty personal yesterday.”

“Yeah… but I’m pretty sure that’s not how he meant it. The thing is, we’ve all been together as a group for a really long time. Since training. And it’s become… well we pretty much consider each other family? Uh-” She glanced sideways at Ymir. “...maybe not family, family, but, you know, we’re the best most of us have got. And we’re all really happy to have you here, but I think Reiner just feels a little more defensive over that family we’ve built. If that makes any sense.”

This was the most Mikasa had ever heard Krista speak, and she had to get through the temporary shock of that first before the true wisdom of the petite girl’s words could truly resonate with her.

“It makes a lot of sense,” she admitted aloud to the others. Still… the image of Reiner’s clear façade of an apology wouldn’t stop biting at the back of her mind. She decided not to ask anything else about him, and luckily everybody else also seemed eager enough to change the subject.

“Anyway, what did you do to your hair! It looks so cute!”

~

The door was locked, the shades drawn, every last crack and opening sealed tight, the three people inside refusing to say a word until they were absolutely positive they could not be overheard.

“Are you sure, Hange?” Levi asked, taking one last peek through the keyhole in the door, apparently responding to a statement that had been made earlier.

“Absolutely.”

“Then we’ll need to act fast,” Erwin murmured. He sank down in an armchair to gaze thoughtfully at the ground. Hange took her place leaning against the wall to his side, and Levi kicked his feet up once more behind his desk.

“So where do we stand?” Erwin asked, looking up at Levi. “No new leads?”

“No. Same as it’s been for four years. I thought that Mikasa might have new information for us, but it was another dead end. As usual.”

Erwin shook his head somberly. “I don’t like the idea of leaving knowing there’s a traitor in our midst… I thought by the time we reached this day, we’d have everything figured out. Or they would have revealed themselves.”

“Yeah well, we should have known it wasn’t going to be that easy,” Hange put in. “I think whoever it is wants to get to Shiganshina with us. They joined the Survey Corps for a reason in the first place, so they’ve probably just been biding their time.”

Levi made a strange sound somewhere between a growl and a hiss. “I keep trying to smoke them out, but no one’s biting. I know the Titan we saw was female but I also know Braun is hiding something. He was listening in on us talking, you now. How else could he have known about Mikasa?”

“Maybe it was a coincidence that he heard you? Or maybe he heard it from somewhere else.”

“Point taken. I stand by it though. I just wish we had more than just gut feelings to go on.”

They all lapsed into silence for a little bit.

“So what do we do? Knowing that we’re leaving on the most important mission for the sake of mankind right now with a traitor in our midst?”

Hange was the one to first speak the question everyone was thinking.

“Business as usual,” Erwin declared, causing the other two to gape at him. “Even if the traitor tries to make their move while we’re on the road, they’ll have a hard time of getting the jump on us. We’ve got Jaeger, not to mention the best bunch of Titan slayers humanity has to offer right now. We’ll be ready.”

“Unless the Female Titan returns,” Hange pointed out.

“Unless she’s not the only secret shifter,” Levi added. 

Erwin’s eyes flashed, and he stood again, letting his full power as Commander pulsate through the air, reminding the others that although they were long-time comrades, he still called the shots in the end.

“The road will probably be dangerous. But someone needs to get to that basement, one way or another. We don’t have a choice but to leave, traitor or not.”

The undeniable truth of his words hit and sank like an anchor.

Hange nodded. “I’ll make the announcement.”

~

The next day, Armin and Hange stood together at breakfast to announce that the very special project they’d been working hard on was finished, and they expected everyone to try it out so that they could be ready to leave for Shiganshina the following night. A buzz of excitement traveled through the gathered squad members, banished for so long, out of action for so long, itching to push back at the world that had pushed them down: desperate to return to their true calling.

For a moment, the dull pain throbbing in Eren Jaeger’s heart ebbed as his eyes once more gleamed with a trace of their old fire.

~

Mikasa stood between Sasha and Krista in front of their new sets of hydro-powered three-dimensional maneuvering gear, all lined up neatly and waiting for them on the training field. When Hange gave the order, they all began suiting up.

The new gear fit and even looked relatively the same as the old gear. The only indication that it was any different lay in the lack of tarnish on the metals and the shine of the swords. Mikasa thought she might have been imagining it, but it also felt lighter than the old gear had. She tightened it around her waist and against her back and turned back to await orders.

“Your assignment,” Captain Levi called once the general shifting down the lines had quieted, “Is to simply try the gear out. Make sure it functions properly in battle-like situations. Report back if anything seems amiss. We have to know if we plan on leaving tomorrow.”

Everyone nodded their understanding.

“The fuel refill is located in the same spot on this gear as it was on the old gear. Just, you know, put water in instead of gas,” Armin piped up from Levi and Hange’s left. “It will be the perfect time to test and make sure everyone knows how to refill as well.”

Eren stood just on the other side of Armin, and Mikasa’s eyes accidentally met his for a split second on their way back from watching Armin’s orders. She looked away quickly, chiding herself for the leap in her heart the second she so much as looked at him.

“Make sure you test the new gear to its full extent. Don’t worry about straining it. We need to make sure it will really work in a real battle setting,” Levi was concluding.

At these words, everyone scattered, heading for the woods.

“Race you?” Sasha challenged Mikasa at the edge of the trees with a playful grin.

Mikasa returned the smile. “You’re on.”

Both girls pulled at the release chords and shot forward, letting the wires of the near gear finally stretch out to greet the air.

Mikasa could hear the sounds of the gear going off all around as all of her teammates did the same, and then all she could hear was the rush of air in her ears as she let herself take off. 

Flying with the gear felt just as amazing as usual. She dipped into a slow flip forward, propelling herself with the force of her swinging body to go faster yet, letting out chord after chord to grip each tree in turn to aid her in her flight. But when she chanced a look around and realized she’d lost sight of Sasha, she landed on a low-hanging branch to pause and catch her breath. Either Sasha was too far ahead of her to catch, or they’d accidentally gone different directions.

Oh well, she thought. Their race hadn’t really had much of an end-point anyway.

The forest all around Mikasa had gone quiet, she now realized. Perhaps she’d been going faster than she’d thought. Or maybe she’d just made a different turn from everyone else. Still, it wasn’t that big of a forest; it felt odd to not be able to hear anyone else’s voices at all.

She was about to shoot another chord to take off again, but before she could the wind was knocked out of her as a hard form came plowing into her at full force, causing her to fall a few feet from her tree branch to the ground. She blinked, dazed and choking for air, trying to pull herself up from the moss to catch a glimpse of what had run into her.

At first, all she saw were dingy black boots. But her gaze traveled haltingly upward to find Reiner’s stony gaze staring down at her.

“Sorry,” he said, offering a callused hand to her. “I didn’t see you there.”

Just as at breakfast the previous morning, his words didn’t match his eyes. That same cruel smirk was wrinkling their corners and turning up his lips. Mikasa glared at him and, with a considerable effort, struggled to stand up without his aid.

“Sure you didn’t,” she muttered, turning her back on him, fully intending to walk away before could lose her inner battle with herself and take a swing at him.

“Really! I didn’t. Why would I want to hurt you, comrade?”

Mikasa stopped in her tracks, taking a moment to collect herself before rounding on him again.

“I don’t know, Braun. Why would you?”

The infuriating sneer finally fell from his visage to be replaced by pure ice.

“You better watch your back, Ackerman.”

“From who? You?”

Reiner shrugged. “Maybe… or maybe Captain Levi, the way he’s going around spreading your story for anyone to hear… or maybe your precious Jaeger. He’s conveniently neglected to tell you something pretty huge about himself you know…”

Mikasa did take a swing at him now, but her aim was poor in her rush of emotion and he dodged it easily, laughing.

“Shut up!” she screamed, taking another swing. He grabbed her wrist to stop her before she could connect, pulling her arm up in his grasp and rendering it harmless as he glowered at her. But she stood her ground, twisting in his grip, trying to break free.

“I don’t know what your deal is, but I’m not going anywhere! I’m staying with the Corps. And if you think telling me-”

“Hey!” 

A new arrival caused Mikasa to break off mid-sentence and Reiner to freeze, still holding her arm. Eren walked forward from between the trees, his eyes blazing, his blade drawn, his rage focused on Reiner.

“What the hell is this?”

“Eren, get out of here! I’m fine,” Mikasa yelled at him. Eren looked pointedly from Reiner, to his fist gripping Mikasa’s wrist, and back to Mikasa incredulously.

“It… doesn’t look fine,” he said finally.

Reiner snorted and shoved Mikasa’s wrist from his grip roughly, causing her to fall face-first in the dirt again. Eren was kneeling at her side almost instantly, cursing at Reiner.

“Remember what I said Ackerman,” Reiner said over his shoulder as Mikasa struggled to sit up and glare at his retreating back. But by the time she’d found her voice to call back a retort, he’d disappeared amongst the trees.

“You okay?” Eren asked, his hand resting on her back and his bright eyes colored with concern. The stone around Mikasa’s heart tightened painfully at the look on his face. She shook off his hand.

“I’m fine.”

Without his help, she managed to pull herself back to her feet and began to walk off through the trees, but Eren wasn’t letting her off so easily.

“Hey, wait! What was all that? Did he say more of that shit from the other day again? Did he threaten you? I swear to god-”

Mikasa stopped short and whirled around violently, only to find he was closer behind her than she'd realized. Now they stood, face-to-face, breathing hard. But neither backed down.

"You're not the one Reiner overheard, Eren. Levi was."

"He... What?"

"Everybody here has just been running around re-telling my life story, apparently."

"Mikasa, I'm so sorry. I promise, neither of us meant to hurt you. That's the last thing I ever wanted to do."

Mikasa regarded him for a moment. 

"I know."

She heard his breath catch slightly, and he reached out to take her hand gently. His eyes held hers captive, searching their depths desperately for a sign of hope. All Mikasa wanted to do was close the gap between them, lean into him, forget everything that had happened since Reiner opened his mouth at the evaluation.

But it wasn't like that anymore.

A wall, as tall and strong as the ones that enclosed humanity, had gone up between them, and there was no scaling it as it tightened its grip around Mikasa’s heart once more.

“What aren’t you telling me, Eren?”

He stepped back from her with a start.

“Huh?”

“Can you promise me that, if I forgive you, there won’t be any secrets left between us?”

Eren’s face fell. She watched an inner struggle take place across the slopes of his expressive face, his eyes filled with torment, his mouth opening and closing, almost speaking but then holding back the words every time at the last minute. The wall grew higher.

“I… I…”

But Mikasa slipped her hand out of his, letting his arm fall limply to the side.

“I see.” Her voice was so quiet, it was nearly a whisper now. “I need to go now, Eren.”

Mikasa turned her back to leave.

“Wait!”

Bracingly, she turned back around.

“ I… I like your hair. It suits you.”

He wasn’t smiling. Mikasa turned back around dejectedly.

“Later, Eren.”

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can expect the next chapter sooner rather than later! I’m really excited about what’s coming up next. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!! Please continue to let me know what you think!


	8. Heartbeat

“A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans  
Then making a wish, he tossed in the sea  
Walked to a town that all of us burned  
When god left the ground to circle the world.”  
~Iron & Wine, “Boy With A Coin”  
~

Chapter 7: Heartbeat

Friend or foe?  
They hadn’t had time to answer the question. Fire had replaced the rain, blood had replaced the rivers, ash had replaced the mountains.  
Men of God stood in the streets, screaming at those fleeing around them that it was too late.  
And then it all stopped.  
And not a soul breathed a word of protest as the giants stretched out their arms as if in an embrace and closed them all in forever.  
No one asked the price.

~

After another day of practice to make sure that the new-and-improved gear was fully functional and to make sure everyone was clear on the plan, the Survey Corps set out the following evening.

Wall Rose only had four gates leading back to what had previously been human territory before the fall of Wall Maria, and each was surrounded by a settlement, ensuring that their escape would be extremely difficult. They’d need to sneak out without being seen by the Military Police or anyone else who might be inclined to report them to the King. 

Levi chose the groups they’d be working with according to their various assigned roles in the plan, and thus a very disgruntled Mikasa found herself sneaking between buildings with Eren and Jean at either side.

“Do you see anybody?”

“No, Eren, if I saw anyone, I would tell you.”

The words came out harsher than she’d intended them to. Eren fell silent again.

They all wore cloaks in dark and muted colors to hide their Survey Corps uniforms, and a few had even donned wigs to further their disguise: Eren included. He’d been given a blonde wig and every time Mikasa looked at him, a new wave of barely contained laughter bubbled up in her throat. He looked like Armin if Armin spent too much time in the sun and developed a permanent scowl.

However, she kept her laughter contained. She knew the scowl was probably due to much more than having to wear a silly wig. They’d hardly spoken at all since their run-in during testing the day before, the wall between them stretching higher than ever. Eren, meanwhile, was avoiding her eyes like they’d burn him, the pleading she’d seen in them before now replaced by stone, the same stone encasing her own heart. It appeared this was the way to survive out here.

“There goes Levi,” Jean murmured, bringing Mikasa’s full attention back to the task at hand.

They watched intently from the alley they were hiding in as Erwin and Levi slipped out of the shadows, approaching the gate as inconspicuously as possible. It was a simple plan, really, and yet every hair on Mikasa’s arms stood on edge as she watched the gate open for them as they disappeared inside. The plan might be simple, but so much of it depended on variables going exactly as they hoped. One slip up and they might not make it out.

She realized, too late, that as they’d all hung onto Erwin and Levi’s every move, she’d drifted awfully close to Eren from behind, her breath lightly brushing his neck and her chest pressing into him. He seemed to become aware of the contact around the same moment, his muscles tensing as he flashed his eyes at her.

“Could you move back? I need some space.”

He didn’t smile. Mikasa returned his cold tone with one of her own, taking a quick step backwards.

“Oh, now you want space?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Guys!”

Jean’s warning came just in time. From the other side of the alley, two dark figures had just turned into view. They wore jackets just like those the Survey Corps wore, though Mikasa knew that theirs must be embellished with the symbol of a horse with a horn protruding from its head instead of the wings. They were with the Military Police.

After a brief second of panic, Eren pulled his hood down lower over his eyes and angled his face to the side strategically. Jean followed suit, leaving Mikasa to meet the police face-to-face when they demanded, “You three! Is everything all right? Why are you sticking around in the alleys so late?”

“I… we…” Mikasa stuttered. She could feel the blank stares of the men boring into her, poised to pounce on the fragile charade the first chance they got. 

She could not afford to mess this up. 

Words… find the words… any words…

“We’re just having a small family disagreement,” Mikasa managed finally. “I’m sorry, we were coming back from town for the day, but we’ll get inside immediately, sir! We didn’t mean to cause a scene!”

There was a moment of agonizing silence as the police regarded Mikasa and her two hooded companions with suspicion. One leaned forward to try and get a better look at Eren’s face.

“Open your eyes, son! What was this fight about?”

They should have disguised him better. He was one of the most guarded humans within the walls, surely they’d be able to recognize him the second they saw those unmistakable eyes…

“He can’t!” Mikasa cut in as quickly as she could. “He’s blind. They’re my brothers, they got into a fight over the inheritance, you see. My younger brother feels that the older brother shouldn’t get it because he’s blind. I’m trying to make them both see reason, but you know how it is.”

One of the guards scoffed. “No wonder they won’t even face each other. Okay well, just please keep all personal disagreements to the privacy of your own homes and off the streets from now on. Get home.”

Hardly daring to believe any of the wild lies had worked, Mikasa took Eren and Jean’s arms on either side and began to walk around the corner in the opposite direction from the Military Police.

They’d made it! They’d really-

“Wait!”

The same guard that had almost recognized Eren was now running back at them, his eyes narrowed. “You don’t look much like your brothers at all, Miss. In fact I’ve never seen anyone else around these parts that looks quite like you. Are you sure you’re related?”

Mikasa did her very best to cover her nerves with what she hoped was an offended expression. 

“I’m… I’m adopted.”

For a second, she thought her chance persuasive abilities had finally run dry, but then the guard nodded.

“Of course. I’m sorry ma’am. Have a good rest of the night.”

And then the sounds of their sharp boots were echoing away back down the alley from which they’d first come. Slowly, Mikasa, Eren, and Jean each let out a long breath.

“I think they’re gone,” Mikasa whispered, leaning back against the wall of the dwelling behind her.

“Wow, I can’t tell if you’re a better liar than I thought, or if those guys were just really dumb,” Eren admitted, his face breaking into a grin. Mikasa almost grinned back, but the word liar rang in her head, forcing the smile to fall from her face as quickly as it had manifested. She dropped her hold on his arm much more roughly than she dropped Jean’s.

“Okay, what is up with you guys?”

Jean stepped away from the other two, facing them with crossed arms and a deathly glower.

“What do you mean?” Eren asked, refusing to look back at him.

“You know what I mean. You both almost just blew this whole thing for us because you couldn’t stop arguing for two seconds. You’ve been acting weird around each other for the past few days and we can all see it. Now, I don’t know what happened, but for the time being you both need to suck it up so we can all work together to get out of here. We can’t afford another slip up like that last one. The good of humanity rests on it and shit.”

With that, he gave them each a firm glare to let them know that the discussion was closed and the terms were non-negotiable, then turned back around to face their view of the gate again. 

Mikasa didn’t know what to say, but she knew Jean was right. Slowly, hesitantly, she brought her gaze up to meet Eren’s, feeling her face color at having to be admonished for such childish behavior. Eren seemed to have reached a similar level of embarrassment; his shoulders deflated pitifully, his blonde wig looking more ridiculous than ever. Mikasa felt a small twinge somewhere beneath the stone inside her but ignored it, keeping it at bay long enough to exchange a small nod with Eren: a silent agreement.

For now, getting past those walls was more important than secrets and hurt feelings. 

“Do you guys hear that?” Jean whispered, pointing to the gate.

A tune was floating through the air, a slow mournful tune that sounded like the end of a day that had dealt more than its fair share of grief. A chorus of voices sang it out with a gusto weighted and slurred from alcohol, the words flying from the mouths of those who knew it well, who’d sung it at many an end-of-day campfire before.

“That’s the signal,” Eren murmured aloud, though they all already knew it. 

For a moment, the haunting melody had taken a strange hold on them as it reached out to them through the night air, but now the trance was shattered as two more figures came into view from the shadows to the right of the gate. Ymir, looking around furtively, followed closely by the recently brunette Krista. They each led two horses behind them, walking at a slow pace so the clip-clop of hooves would not carry too far through the night air around the town. 

“Do you think they can make it?” Eren asked, his voice hushed again. No one answered. Instead, they all waited with baited breath, eyes glued to the gate.

The song from inside faltered, but this was expected; what really mattered was whatever was about to happen next. The agonizing seconds of silence seemed to stretch endlessly before them, the entire world frozen within. Then, with a collective release of breath, the same song the soldiers had been singing before started up again, filling the night air with relief for those outlaws depending on it in the shadows.

“I think… I think this might actually work!” Eren drank in the scene eagerly, his body shifting forward, waiting for their turn. 

“Hold up Jaeger, don’t get too excited. There go Armin and Hange.”

They both walked into view leading more horses. The more people and horses passed through the gates, the more suspicious the Garrison would get. They were now very heavily depending on Levi and Erwin’s abilities to remain convincing and keep them pacified with alcohol and excuses. Mikasa knew she should trust in their leadership, but still she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong. She glanced behind them to make sure they weren’t being watched, but the street behind them remained vacant, any trace of the police they’d encountered before long gone.

After a minute, it became apparent that Armin and Hange seemed to have made it through. Soon came Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner’s group, leading the last of the horses, followed a few minutes later by Sasha and Connie, slinking unusually quietly through the shadows.

“We’re up,” Jean muttered. “Homestretch now, we’ve almost got this. Keep your head down, Jaeger.”

Eren didn’t need to be told twice. Mikasa led the way: the shield of unfamiliarity. She might look odd in comparison to everybody else, but she was the only current member of the Survey Corps that the government had never seen. They’d banked on the other members’ faces not being recognizable enough, but Levi had stressed that they’d know Eren for sure if they saw him. And he was to be protected at all costs, for whatever reason. 

For whatever stupid secret reason no one would tell her.

The walk toward the gate seemed to stretch forever, but finally they reached it, Mikasa watching the iron bars above her, half worried they were about to come crashing down on all of them. But the gate remained open.

Once inside the small space within the wall, the last division between human and Titan territory, the scene was much as Mikasa had expected: the low firelight flickering from the torches in the walls, the strong smell of alcohol surely putting a bleary haze in the eyes of the red-faced Garrison members sitting around a small wooden table off to the side. A loud guffaw of laughter echoed off the stony walls just as Mikasa, Eren, and Jean all entered.

“There’s the last of our search party!” Erwin’s voice boomed out over the rest. He was sitting with the soldiers like an old friend, Levi leaning against the wall behind them.

“I’m sorry again about the confusion earlier, I hope it’s all squared away now. It was good to see all of you again!”

“You too, Erwin!” one of the red-faced men called. “It’s been too long. Good to see they’re starting to put the Survey Corps to use again!”

“Yes… well, you know, small missions are better than nothing. Hopefully not too much danger in the way this time! We’ll only be an hour or two.”

“Sure! We’ll keep an eye out!”

“Yeah if Bruck can stay standing!”

There was a hearty guffaw of laughter that Erwin took advantage of to shoot a look in Mikasa, Eren, and Jean’s direction to keep moving. But they’d stayed still a moment too long.

“Hey!” 

Mikasa noticed too late that a man in the corner had been staring intently at Eren and was now getting up for a closer look.

“Erwin, Levi… you said you weren’t bringing the kid on this mission…”

“What? The Jaeger kid? Of course not, he’s on top containment orders from the King. He was left back at Survey Corps headquarters with a guard, like I said.”

“Funny… because this young man over here looks a lot like him…”

“Who? No, sir, please, my name is-”

But it was to late. Eren’s pleas fell on deaf ears as the man pulled the blonde wig off his head, his real hair standing on edge beneath it from being out of place for so long. He glared fiercely at the man who’d exposed him.

“Erwin…” the other man, the one who they’d called Bruck, spoke again. “What is this mission really about?”

Erwin’s face had frozen in tension, his jaw locked. “The good of humanity. Just like everything we do.”

“And do you really have permission from the King to leave?”

Silence.

“Bring your people back in, Commander.”

“That’s not happening,” Levi spoke now, stepping forward. “It’s been many years since the trial, but I’m assuming you gentlemen remember why such heavy guard rules have been imposed on Jaeger?”

A dozen or so drunken gazes shifted to Eren, who stared them right back down, eyes fully aflame now. Slowly, he raised his fist, his thumb brushing lightly against his lips. The Garrison members’ eyes widened, some even shifting backwards and hissing, bracing themselves.

“Ah,” Levi intoned quietly, an unfriendly smile curling up the corners of his mouth. “It appears you do remember. Good. It would be a shame if we had to unleash him on you, wouldn’t you agree?”

Mikasa was looking back and forth between Eren and the guards wildly, wondering what the hell they were talking about. What did Levi mean? Were they bluffing? Or was this all about whatever Eren’s secret really was? What kind of secret could put that kind of fear in the eyes of grown men who far outnumbered them in strength and numbers?

She looked back at Eren, trying with all her might to see something new in him, something she’d missed before. But no matter how hard she looked, all she could see was the boy: the boy with the red scarf running frantically after her. The boy with moonlight on his face as he brushed the dirt off of hers. The boy who wrapped that same red scarf around her under the stars. The only person to run after her through the storm and the rain… 

The person who’d told her the truth about everything but himself.

The Garrison members, on the other hand, seemed to be under the impression he was going to explode like a flash of lightning against a tree at any second. It didn’t make sense. It didn’t add up.

“Fine,” Bruck said. “But they’ll come after you.”

“Will they?” Levi looked unperturbed. “With all those Titans out there? We’re the only ones really qualified to fight them, you know. Kind of a mistake alienating the best defense squad in the Kingdom, don’t you think?”

“Please. No one’s seen a Titan in ten years. They’re probably not even out there anymore.”

“Really? You think so? Well if you’re so sure, follow us out there right now, Bruck. We’d be happy to have another member of the team.”

Levi cocked his head at his three juniors and turned to walk out side by side with Erwin. Bruck did not follow, nor did any of the other Garrison members. 

“You go out there at your own risk, you know!” the man who’d exposed Eren called out. 

It was Erwin who answered this time, turning back only slightly, causing everyone to pause behind him. His face was impassive.

“We always do.”

And with tension still tight in the air, Erwin, Levi, Mikasa, Eren, and Jean walked out to the other side of the gate.

~

They didn’t ride for very long that night; just to a safe house set up long ago that wasn’t far outside of the walls. According to Levi, venturing too far in the open air while in Titan territory was asking for trouble, so it was best to find shelter while some people slept and others took turns keeping watch. 

“Just remember, once we’re outside those walls, we’ll never really be safe,” he’d said.

Mikasa wasn’t sure what she’d expected once in Titan territory, but she couldn’t help but think to herself that the reveal was slightly anticlimactic. From their tense send-off at the gate to the occasional ruins of human buildings scattered about, illuminated only by the dim moonlight that lit their way… there was no fanfare, no feeling of accomplishment or triumph; just the pounding of horse hooves in the dirt.

“There was a time it was different,” Levi said as they dismounted their horses in front of the shelter, and Mikasa glanced over at him, eyebrows raised. 

“They used to see us off with crowds and cheers. We road out at first daylight, not in the shadows. Then, everything changed when everyone drank stupid juice.”

Mikasa kept staring at him, now beginning to seriously wonder if the Captain could read minds. He shrugged at her wrinkled brow.

“We were all thinking it. You’re just the only one who wasn’t there.”

Then in his typical fashion, he strode away before she could think of any response. 

You’re just the only one who wasn’t there.

For the thousandth time, Mikasa cursed that darkness that had swallowed her life for so long. This was not the way things should be, that much she knew. 

There wasn’t much room in the old safe house on the edge of Titan territory. Mikasa thought that at one point it must have been a family’s house. She wondered if the previous owners had been lucky enough to make it behind the walls when everyone evacuated… or not. 

Levi wouldn’t let them start a fire so they all settled for eating bread and thin slices of stringy dried meat in the hollow room. The night was warm enough as it was, so they didn’t need the extra heat. When they’d finished their meager meal, they all sat together for a while, conversing quietly.

“Do you think they’ll come after us?” Jean asked the room at large, drawing a circle in the dirt on the floor next to him with a finger.

“Maybe.” Erwin was facing away from everyone else, pouring over an old map he’d spread out over a table. “But I doubt it. They’ll be too scared to come after us. Although, if we ever need to get back in, it might be extremely difficult to accomplish.”

“So… we might never get to go home again?”

Silence fell over the small circle the squad had formed as they all let the reality of Connie’s words sink in. Mikasa glanced around their little group, truly the last people she had in the world now.

The couples had leaned into each other: Sasha and Connie’s hands intertwined, Krista’s head on Ymir’s shoulder. Bertholdt, Reiner, and Annie sat as still and blank as usual. Jean continued determinedly with his feverish dirt drawings, refusing to look up at anyone. Hange stood above the rest, twirling a pen absentmindedly in her fingers, not noticing or not caring when little flecks of black ink left spots on her fingertips. Levi had gotten the faraway look in his eyes of someone who’d seen too many sunsets. Armin sat with his legs curled up and his arms wrapped around them, a protective cage of his own making, staring blankly at the shapes Jean drew on the floor.

And then there was Eren.

When Mikasa looked at Eren, he was already looking straight at her. He looked away quickly once she’d caught him, but it was too late. Mikasa looked away too, feeling blood rush to her cheeks and she felt her insides lurch painfully.

“No use worrying about it now, anyway. We have to focus on the mission.”

Erwin turned back from his map to face everyone, appearing not to have noticed the somber mood that had fallen over the rest of the group. 

“Eren and Krista, why don’t you take the first watch. Then you can pass it off to Connie and Mikasa.”

Eren and Krista both nodded and stood up obediently to leave.

“Everyone else, get some rest while you can. The further outside the walls we go, the more dangerous things are going to get.”

No one argued with Erwin. The tense escape from Wall Rose seemed to have left everyone drained. They laid out their thin blankets over the hard floor to lie down on, Levi sniffing distastefully at the dust that rose up, and everything fell quiet.

Mikasa lay, trying to ignore how uncomfortable the floor was, instead hoping the sounds of the night might lull her to sleep.

The night itself was as unassuming as ever. The soft chirping of crickets mixed with the distant singing of frogs and occasional hoots of owls, making it hard to believe that somewhere in the midst of it all were huge and horrifying creatures: the stuff of nightmares. In fact, if Mikasa closed her eyes, it was almost like she was a child again back at home, the garden outside her window whispering sweetly to her, her parents in the next room, prepared to protect her from any danger…

And then she was walking with them in the garden again.

“Protect it…”

“Remember…”

Protect it how? Remember what?

“Protect him!”

Who?

But the sky was turning red. Mikasa was screaming, her parents were red as the sky, splattered with blood as they’d been the last time she’d seen them, and then they were fading away entirely, no where to be found. Giant shadows appeared in the distance, shrouded in mist, keeping them just out of eyesight despite their looming presence drawing ever nearer.

And then Eren was there: the little boy she’d remembered for so long; red scarf flowing at his neck to match the sky and the blood, and he reached out his hand to her.

“Come with me, Mikasa!”

She reached back for him, but before their fingers could link, one of the shadows was right upon them, rising up behind Eren.

“Look out!” Mikasa cried out.

But instead of being swallowed by the giants the way her parents had been, Eren was growing with them. He rose up, taller and taller, and Mikasa could see he wasn’t human anymore. He was something else, something like them, something awful. She was screaming again, trying to run, but unable to move.

Protect him…

~

Eren woke with a start, cold sweat on his forehead catching the night breeze.

A pair of big blue eyes against the starry sky was the first sight that met him as he regained his bearings, trying to catch his breath.

“Krista? Was I sleeping?”

“Yeah.”

“What the hell? We’re supposed to be keeping watch together! Why wouldn’t you wake me? What if something had happened?”

Krista shrugged.

“Nothing was happening. I would have woken you up if it had. But you looked so tired, I thought you could use some rest. It was kind of mean of them to make you take the first watch anyway, but I’m sure Erwin didn’t realize it.”

“Oh. Well thanks, I guess. But don’t let me do that again, okay?”

Krista looked away, smiling a little. “Okay.”

Eren’s breath had evened again now, the calm of the night setting in to ease his racing heart.

“What were you dreaming about, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Eren shook his head, most of the details having already left him, leaving behind only the final horrible image for him to brood on.

“It’s nothing. Just… nothing.”

Krista nodded. “You were talking, you know. Not a lot. You just said ‘come with me’.”

“Oh… yeah?”

“Yeah. Were you dreaming about her?”

“Huh? Dreaming about… her? What? I mean… What do you… Who?”

“Mikasa.”

“I… why would I be dreaming about Mikasa?”

Krista gave him a pointed look. “I don’t know. You tell me.”

Eren sighed his surrender. “When did you get so nosy, anyway?”

“We all care about both of you. We’re really happy you brought Mikasa to us, at least most of us are, and we hate to see it go bad so quickly.”

“You guys pay that much attention, huh?”

“Of course we do, Eren. We’re family, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Eren smiled back at her now. “Look, it’s no big deal. It’s not like I was dreaming good things about her. Just more reminders of everything I’m doing wrong.”

“You mean your Titan abilities?”

“Yeah. It’s just overcomplicating everything. I wish I could just be normal, I wish I didn’t have this big… stupid… thing hanging over my head all the time. I wish I could just tell her, but Levi doesn’t want me to.”

“Also you don’t really want to.”

“Maybe… a little… It’s just hard, you know? I don’t know how she’ll react when I tell her. She’d probably be scared. Any person in their right mind would be.”

Krista was quiet for a minute, contemplating his words.

“Maybe. But think about it. Would it really be any worse than the way things are now? Neither of you are happy as it is. At least then, she’d know the truth.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right. It’s like I’ve just got this block up in my head. I’m really scared of her face… if I tell her… what she’ll think of me.”

“Well right now she thinks you’re a liar that she can’t trust. This is what I’m trying to tell you, Eren, it’s not better.”

“Yeah… You’re right.”

“I know I am.”

“It’s almost time to change posts anyway. Could you give me a minute to talk to her?”

“Sure, you go in first.”

“Thanks.”

Eren’s heart rate picked up as he opened the door to go back inside, preparing to wake Mikasa, wondering what he’d say. But when the door shut behind him, he realized she was already awake, pale white and sitting straight up in bed, shaking. He was at her side in a matter of seconds.

“What’s wrong?” he kept his voice hushed, trying not to disturb the others, but the look on her face made him want to cry out to her. She was staring at the opposite wall blankly, like some horrible vision was still replaying itself in her mind’s eye, unable to let her go.

“Mikasa!” he raised his whisper a little bit more, but she still didn’t seem to hear him. Finally, he tentatively reached out a hand and placed it on her forearm.

“Mikasa!”

She jumped and gasped, color flooding back into her cheeks, her eyes finally meeting his. But instead of relief, more terror flooded their beautiful gray depths, and she recoiled from his touch.

“What’s wrong?” he whispered desperately one more time.

“The dream…” her voice was so small, and she continued to look at him with so much terror. “I… you… What are you?”

Eren felt his heart sink all the way to the floor as all of his worst fears were confirmed in that single moment. He hung his head numbly.

“It was just a nightmare. I’m nothing.”

And that was just what he felt like as he walked over to a spot in the far corner to try and get some more sleep, listening to Mikasa get up quietly, soon to be joined by Krista and Connie’s voices as they changed the watch. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to tell her now. 

It wasn’t until much, much later that the thought struck him: had he and Mikasa had the same nightmare?

~

They set out from the safe house at daylight. 

Mikasa shook fog from her head and eyes, determined not to let her poor night’s sleep get to her. The dream felt so far away now, her terror when she’d woken up, Eren’s face swimming before her, unusually pale. She couldn’t remember why she’d been so scared of him now, the dream having left her when the rush of fresh hair outside hit her face.

It was probably just her projecting her own worries into her subconscious thoughts while she slept, everything she’d been speculating since the incident at the gate the previous day. She almost went to apologize to Eren, but held back.

She may have overreacted, but he was still keeping things from her.

Mikasa fell into her spot in formation next to Sasha, who gave her the usual glowing smile.

“You okay?” she asked. “You look kind of off.”

“Yeah, it’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Okay. Chin up! We gotta keep on the lookout for Titans!”

But as far as Mikasa could see, the landscape around them was basically the same as the night before, just bathed in the cloudy gray light of day now. She felt like she should probably feel more of a sense of urgency, of danger, but the empty landscape and bleak sky gave away nothing. 

In fact the longer they rode, the more she started to feel like something was wrong. The way everyone had always talked about Titan territory, it definitely felt like they should have seen a Titan by now. But one hour on horseback turned into two and then three, and still they saw nothing. Mikasa began to sneak increasingly frequent glances at her squad members, trying to see if anyone else was showing signs of worry or confusion at their situation, but received no answers from their determined expressions.

What if… She felt her thoughts start to lean dangerously over the edge of a slippery slope. 

What if they all really were insane?

What if they really had been banished for a reason?

What if everyone else was right?

What if the Titans were long gone?

She swallowed down a wave of panic, beginning to formulate wild plans in her mind. Where she should go, what she should do…

But finally, Erwin veered off to one side, pulling his horse around to face everyone as they all slowed to a collective stop.

“Please say what I think you’re going to say,” Levi spoke up, adjusting himself restlessly in his saddle.

“This isn’t right!” Eren added from off to his left. “Where the hell are all the Titans?”

Erwin nodded slowly. “I don’t know what’s going on,” he addressed the group at large. “But for now, we keep riding. Take advantage of the quiet the best we can. But remain on guard at all times. We’ll try to find another safe area this evening.”

“Yes sir!”

Mikasa glanced back over at Sasha again as they began to pick up speed. 

“So… I wasn’t the only one who noticed?”

Sasha smiled at her, but it wasn’t at all her usual smile; this one didn’t reach her eyes all the way.

“No, definitely not. I don’t know what’s going on either. Last time they were swarming us practically the second we were out. Now… I don’t know. It’s just really weird.”

As they rode on through the long stretch of afternoon, stopping only once briefly for food and drink, the general mood of the group grew increasingly strained. Mikasa was partially relieved now that she could tell it wasn’t all in her own head, and yet the eerie feeling that was taking hold of everyone else began to set in on her as well, constricting at her chest and clenching at her teeth.

Rather than relax anyone, the general consensus seemed to be that the lack of Titans meant that something was horribly wrong. 

~

As Erwin had instructed, the Survey Corps found a small shaded glen not far from the trail they’d been following to rest once it started to get dark. 

Mikasa was told to stand watch first, this time paired with Jean, a match that led to the first hour of the watch being filled with avoided eye contact and awkward silence. She felt like the minutes could not pass fast enough as she watched the moon make its painfully slow journey across the sky. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore.

“Thanks, by the way,” she said, casting a quick side-glance at Jean.

“For what?”

“For knocking some sense back into Eren and me yesterday. We were being idiots.”

“You still are.”

Mikasa scowled at him. “What are you talking about?”

Jean rolled his eyes. “If you’re not going to say it then I’m not going to say it.”

“Okay… well… good.”

Mikasa felt her face grow hot and silently vowed to not say anything more until their watch was over. But Jean had other ideas.

“Hey Mikasa… the first time I ever met you in the forest that day, when Eren brought you to us… You kinda got a weird look on your face when I said hi to you. Was that… I mean… why?”

Mikasa continued gazing at the faded horizon line ahead of them in the distance. “It’s kind of hard to explain. Actually you were kind of giving me a weird look, I thought.”

“Really? What do you mean?”

“The way you were looking at me… It sort of reminded me of where I was, you know, before.”

The color drained from Jean’s face. He turned to look at her fully now. “Seriously? Oh man, I’m so sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s fine. What were you thinking, though, if you don’t mind me asking?”

A touch of color crept into Jean’s cheeks, but he kept facing Mikasa, eyes bright.

“You kind of reminded me of someone I used to know. But it’s fine, I realized pretty quickly you’re not like him at all. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”

Mikasa nodded, letting silence fall for a minute before testing the waters gingerly.

“Who was he?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Jean shook his head. “He’s been gone for a long time now.”

“I’m sorry.”

She looked back up, sort of wishing she hadn’t pushed the matter, when a slight movement on the horizon distracted her completely.

“What’s that?”

“What’s what? Oh shit.”

The shape was getting bigger now, and moving quickly.

“Everybody up!” Jean shouted, heading the few paces over to where everyone else was sleeping. “We’ve got company! Titan on the move!”

Levi was one of the first up, closely followed by Eren, Erwin, and Hange. 

“Titan?” Levi asked. “Just one?”

“As far as I can see. But it’s moving fast.”

Levi’s swords were already out of their sheaths, ready for battle. 

“It’s odd that there’s only one. Perhaps a deviant? Keep your eyes out for more, people, don’t forget their usual patterns!” Hange was barking orders now. “And try not to slice this one up too much, if you can. I haven’t had a specimen to observe in a long time.”

The woman’s eyes caught a sort of manic glint unlike anything Mikasa had seen in them yet, glasses flashing dangerously. The shape in the distance grew bigger now, the details of its features becoming increasingly visible, and despite her training and the warnings from the others, Mikasa still felt herself cringe at the sight of her first Titan.

It must have been seven meters tall at least. Its features were almost human, and yet so plainly simultaneously monstrous that the contrast was jarring. Its face was twisted and contorted, its run uneven, its arms flailing awkwardly at its sides. It was clearly coming for them, though it didn’t seem to actually see them. Mikasa reached for her swords without even thinking about it. Just looking at it made her want to cut it down, to get rid of its mocking soulless leer for good.

But when it was within a few feet, Levi sprang first before anyone else could move. Mikasa had to admit, it was mesmerizing to watch him in action. He used his gear seamlessly, like it was an extension of his very being, as he propelled himself towards the Titan’s neck with catlike grace. His movements were so fast it was hard for Mikasa’s eyes to catch them all; one moment he’d be in one position, the next a different entirely, dodging the Titan’s reaching arms as it fought clumsily to brush him off or grab him. And then he was upon the neck, his swords flashing in the light of the moon, as he reached out to deliver the decisive deathblow. The Titan fell with a resounding crash, the leer never quite leaving its face as it hit the ground with Levi sliding off its head and landing neatly in front of everyone.

His expression never once changed.

“Couldn’t save any action for the rest of us?” Eren asked, unable to hide a slight scowl.

“There was only one. Why waste time?” Levi examined a fleck of dirt on his shirt with distaste. He strode away for the blankets still lying on the ground a few feet away, calling over his shoulder, “It’s all yours, Zoe!”

Most of the others started to head back to bed too, Erwin instructing them to switch watch duty. But Mikasa stayed by Hange for a while longer, listening as she muttered out loud, probably more to herself than anyone else. Mikasa wasn’t even sure if Hange was aware she was still there after awhile.

“So strange… why out on its own like this… And it didn’t even cry out for back-up…”

Hange fell upon the spot Levi had cut at the neck, examining his clean and precise work.

“Nothing unusual about the fatality point either… But something was definitely off about this one, even for a deviant… What could cause this kind of behavior… Think Zoe, think, what was different…”

“Um… Ms. Hange? What do you mean?”

Hange looked up, blinking at Mikasa in confusion for a second before responding. “Don’t you worry about it Ackerman, I’ll figure it out eventually. Get some sleep, you’ve been up for too long.”

Mikasa hesitated for a second longer, wanting to ask more, held by the Titan’s grotesque face: still staring at her even in death. Eventually, she conceded and headed back for her blanket, past where Ymir and Bertholdt had taken up the new watch post, to try and put the horrible image out of her mind long enough to get some rest. But even when she finally felt herself drift off, lulled by the noises of the night that was peaceful once more, she could still feel that lifeless smile searing into her, taunting her even in the dark.

~

The next day remained relatively uneventful; no more Titan attacks after the one the previous night. However, this news did little to set Eren at ease. In fact, it did just the opposite. 

The light of day should be attracting them by now, bringing them swarming with desire for human consumption. It had been a long four years, but he hadn’t forgotten the way things had been before. This now… this silence… it wasn’t right. It wasn’t natural. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something horrible was waiting around every bend; that the longer the silence stretched out, the louder the explosion would be once it was broken.

Somewhat to Hange’s disappointment, they’d had to move on from their old camp. Levi finally managed to convince her that she’d done all the research on the dead Titan that she possibly could. They’d entered a forest area now, no longer with the advantage of being able to see the Titans coming from far away, but now with the advantage of tree cover. In the old days, the forests had been the ideal places to travel in Titan territory, because the tree cover offered extra protection and the perfect anchoring opportunity when using 3-D gear. But Eren was starting to wonder how many of the old rules still applied.

Yet at the same time, a small part of him that he usually tried to ignore welcomed the distraction. He felt like his old self again; out and on the hunt for Titans, worrying only about where they were, what they were going to do next, how he would kill as many of them as he could. After the events from the previous night it was really just better if he didn’t think about anything else.

However, Eren’s exhausting vigilance was not rewarded by the time the end of the third day rolled around. Save for that one Titan the first night, there were no more to be seen for miles and miles. He became so focused on the lack of Titans that for a while, he almost forgot where exactly where they were going, and what might wait at the end, until they stopped to camp out that night.

Eren broke off on his own without saying anything to anyone about it, knowing that if he did, Levi would make him take someone else with him. He tried to convince himself that he was going to scope out the terrain for the others, make sure there weren’t any traps lying around, but the truth was for a moment, he just wanted to be alone. 

He headed up a hill, hoping for a break in the trees that might give him an overhead glimpse of what lay ahead of them; maybe if he got high enough, he could even spot Shiganshina. They were getting so close to it now. But when he finally managed to find a break in the trees, any view he might have had was obstructed by overgrowth of trees and plants that had grown wild in the absence of humans for so long. He searched the horizon, trying to find more clear spots, but without much more luck until finally he spotted it: nestled up in the hills, just barely visible through the trees. The roof of a house. 

They were getting so close.

The thought that that his old hometown might be less than a day’s ride away caused Eren’s heart to beat painfully. Of course, he knew he had to get back there. He had to find the answers that were in the basement. But he also remembered what had happened there last, everything that had pushed him to this point now, and if he was fully honest with himself, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face it again yet.

“Hey.”

A soft voice behind Eren caused him to give a violent start and spin around.

“Annie! Don’t do that.”

“You shouldn’t have gone off alone like this.”

“I’m fine.”

“The Captain wasn’t happy.”

“Who cares?”

He was trying not to look at her, but she kept inching forward, getting closer and closer to him. He hadn’t exactly spoken to her much since their last “meeting”… but then again she hadn’t been seeking him out either. He thought they’d sort of silently mutually agreed it was over. But there she was, standing before him again, much too close now.

“Oh well… I guess it’s just us out here now…”

He could feel her hot breath against his lips.

“Annie…”

“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”

“Annie…”

“Don’t you kind of miss it a little? Face it, once she finds out your secret, she’s going to run like hell, and you know it. But I already know. And here I am, right in front of you.”

Eren didn’t ask which “she” Annie meant. He let her words sink in, their eyes locked together, and for a moment, he believed her.

But only for a moment.

“No.”

Their lips had barely brushed, but Eren put his hands on Annie’s shoulders and moved her back gently, walking around her and moving a safe few steps back.

“Not anymore, Annie.” Eren let his arms drop from her shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

Whatever he expected her to do, it wasn’t what she did next. The creeping seductive glance fell away from her face completely, leaving only a cruel derisiveness. Her lip curled, her eyes hardened.

“You really are an idiot, Jaeger.”

Eren felt like an ice cube had slipped down the back of his shirt. His hair stood on end.

“I’m sick of this,” Annie continued. “We tried it the easy way, but maybe I’ve been going about everything incorrectly this whole time.”

“Annie, what the hell are you talking about?”

He watched as Annie held up a small silver ring on her finger. She always wore it, but it had never been very noticeable now. Now, she clicked it, revealing a sharp blade, poised and ready for her to slice her own thumb open with.

“What the fuck…?”

But slowly, the truth was starting to dawn on Eren.

“It was you!”

Annie’s smile was truly terrifying now.

“Took you long enough. Now don’t fight, it’ll make this a lot easier.”

Then a lot of things happened within the same couple of seconds. Annie reached out to deal a blow to Eren’s head that might have knocked him out, while simultaneously cutting her own thumb. But before her fist could connect with him, a rock flew out from the trees behind them, hitting Annie’s arm out of the way, preventing it from making contact. Mikasa emerged not a second later.

“Eren! What’s going on? What is she-”

“Mikasa get out of here!”

But it was too late. Lightning was erupting from the clouds, straight down with an earth-shattering crack to hit Annie. She grew taller and taller in the flash of light…

Mikasa let out a cry of horror as the unbelievable sight filled her eyes.

“Eren, what…?”

But Eren was staring at her, wishing every fiber of his being that it didn’t have to be like this. It was his own fault though, and he knew it. He was about to lose her once and for all. There would be no going back.

“I’m sorry, Mikasa. I need you to get back, get as far away as you can!”

“What? Why-”

But Eren was staring at his hand, gathering his thoughts, making sure he didn’t screw this up as he had so many times before. This time at least, he knew exactly what he was transforming for.

Protect everyone.

But most of all, her.

He bit his thumb, and everything went red.

~

Once again, a massive bolt of lightning racked the sky, but this time it went straight for Eren.

Mikasa felt like her insides had frozen as she watched Eren grow just as Annie had, taller and taller, until he rose well above the trees. When the dust cleared, the two faced off, monsters now, larger than life, the very creatures they’d vowed to fight for the sake of humanity. Mikasa opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

It was Eren who took the first swing, and Mikasa realized why he’d told her to get back. She was suddenly on the edge of a very large, very dangerous battlefield and in danger of getting crushed any second. But she couldn’t bring herself to run away.

How?

How was this possible? What did it mean? Had he done this before, or was the change permanent? Would she ever get to see him again?

But Annie was taking a swing back at Eren to counter his, and Eren was falling backwards, and Mikasa realized that she had to move. Her legs finally found their life and she ran, just barely dodging Eren’s falling form. However, he wasn’t down for long despite the resounding crash that rocked the ground when he hit it. He got back up, parrying Annie’s next blow, sending a well-aimed punch of his own that sent her falling back this time.

Now temporarily out of harm’s way as their fight moved further from her, Mikasa found herself mesmerized as she watched them. For such giant beings, they moved with such grace. Eren’s skills with hand-to-hand combat were always top-form, but now magnified tenfold it was obvious how much of a threat he was. Though, Annie seemed to evenly match him at every turn.

The longer Mikasa watched the Titans, the more obvious it became that they were definitely still Eren and Annie, but she couldn’t tell how much of their consciousness they’d each transferred with them during the transformation. Was any shred of their humanity still left in them? If Mikasa went to look in Eren’s eyes, literally blazing now, what would she see?

“Mikasa!” 

The rest of the Corps was running through the trees, swords drawn and gear at the ready.

“What happened?” Levi asked, reaching her first.

“I… I don’t know… Annie was just… and then she… and then Eren…”

“That’s her, that’s the female Titan!” Hange was crying out. “You’re telling me it was Annie?”

“I saw her transform into that… thing, if that’s what you mean,” Mikasa confirmed.

“Should we help, Captain?” Jean was watching Eren and Annie’s fight apprehensively. “We should capture her for questioning, not kill her.”

“It’s still too dangerous right now,” Erwin stepped in, also surveying the fight. “Eren seems to have this under control.”

But no sooner had he said this than the fight took a turn for the worse. Annie knocked Eren back particularly hard, causing him to let out a bone-rattling roar of rage as he lunged back at her for his revenge. But in his moment of anger, Annie swiped a foot out around Eren’s lower leg, just as she’d done to Mikasa when they’d sparred back at headquarters so many days ago, causing him to trip and fall back, landing with the worst crash yet. This time, he didn’t move.

“Eren.”

Mikasa felt his name slip from her lips like a prayer.

“Eren… get up.”

But he didn’t.

Annie was bending over him now, sending another blow at his head that sent it cracking sickeningly backwards. His Titan form collapsed face forward onto the ground. Annie began to reach out for the area around the back of his neck.

“No!” 

It took a moment for Mikasa to realize that savage yell had ripped from her own throat.

“Mikasa wait!”

But she ignored everyone’s protests, rage propelling her forward at what felt like an unnatural speed. She drew her swords and sent the wires of her gear flying, anchoring straight onto Annie’s body, and sending Mikasa flying straight at her. Annie was temporarily distracted from Eren as she realized what was going on. She reached out to grab Mikasa, causing her to have to change course mid-flight, which she did without even blinking an eye. She continued to dodge all of Annie’s attempts to fight her off, her brain focused on only one thing: the neck. Get her neck.

And then she saw her chance.

Mikasa held her blade high, ready to bring it down for the final blow, ready to put an end to the fight, sure that her strike would hit true. But Annie was still one step ahead. She brought her hand to her neck, and before Mikasa’s eyes, it turned to a hardened crystal substance. Mikasa tried to slice at that instead, but the crystal was unlike anything she’d had ever seen. Her blade didn’t even leave a scratch.

Out of the corner of her eye, Mikasa saw Annie’s other hand coming at her too late. The wind was knocked out of her as she was sent flying off of Annie’s back through the air, scrambling to try and reach her gear in time to break the fall. But she was saved when someone else caught her by the arm instead. Armin, in his own gear, grabbed her from midair to set her safely on the ground.

“Mikasa, are you okay?”

“I…”

Mikasa turned back to face the battlefield wildly. The rest of the Corps had followed her into the fray and were now all doing their best to cut past Annie’s crystal to no avail. Still, it was also apparent that they weren’t going to let her get anywhere near Eren anymore. Recognizing defeat, Annie turned to race off, every footstep shaking the forest floor until her head was a pinprick moving through the trees in the distance.

“Eren.”

As her head started to clear, the knowledge that his Titan form had been still for a very long time now started to set in as well. Her feet began to move as if on their own, guiding her back to him as fast as they could.

“Eren!”

As she approached, the dust around the fallen Titan body dispersed to reveal a hole at the weakness area at the back of its neck. She could see movement there, a form starting to shift amidst the tendrils and veins that had held the giant together. A back… shoulders… a head rising up, breaking free of the disgusting pink insides that had attached it there. He pulled away, his face falling back, catching the light, his eyes closed, looking almost as angelic as he had that day so long ago when she’d seen him sleeping.

Eren.

She couldn’t let herself relax, couldn’t let herself start to believe he was really okay yet as she ran up to him and caught him in her arms before he fell forward again. Even with his weight on her, solid and real, she didn’t let herself let out the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding until she’d pressed an ear against his chest and heard it: his heartbeat.

For a few seconds, she froze like that, listening to the steady thump, thump, thump, letting it vibrate through her too, easing her fear with each beat. Then she looked back up at him again, still unconscious but his face so beautiful. Real. Alive. She felt the stone that had constricted her heart for so long finally shatter, leaving her with all of the emotions she’d been fighting to keep at bay for so long.

And then the tears came.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am so incredibly sorry for how long it took me to post this chapter. I was in the process of moving to a new country and starting a new job. On the bright side, it's my longest chapter yet, so hopefully that makes up for it a little? I promise the wait for the next chapter will not be as long. I'm settling into my new life now~
> 
> Warning: The romance kicks into high gear next chapter! So if that's what you're here for, get excited. If that's not what you're here for, then you're in the wrong place. x)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!


	9. The Two Geese

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *evil laughter*

“You said, ‘I am young, and I am yours  
I am free, but I am flawed  
I am here in your heart  
I was here from the start.’”  
~Benjamin Francis Leftwich, “Box of Stones”

~

Chapter 8: The Two Geese

Eren was still sleeping well into the next day. 

They found an old hunting cabin in the woods, just large enough to house him in while he healed, but everyone else had to remain on guard, knowing Annie was still out there somewhere. Hange said that it was normal for him to be out for a while after transformations, but never for this long. This statement did nothing to ease Mikasa’s anxiety. She barely left his bedside, watching his chest go up and down with each deep breath he took, silently willing his eyes to open with every passing second.

But they didn’t.

“Hey Mikasa? Do you want to go get some rest?”

She didn’t know how long she’d been sitting in silence when Armin showed up at the door late the next evening, but she didn’t care.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You’ve got to be tired. You didn’t sleep at all last night, did you?”

“I’m fine.”

She heard Armin sigh, and slowly his soft footsteps approached her from behind.

“He’ll wake up, I promise. He always does.”

Mikasa didn’t say anything, nor did she take her eyes off of Eren’s breathing.

“At the very least, you should eat something. Here, I brought this just in case.”

He set a small bowl of stew down on the old wooden table next to the bed with a hollow clunk, but didn’t try saying anything else after that. Mikasa heard the door of the cabin open quietly, the room temporarily bathed in soft sunlight before it shut to leave them once again illuminated only by candles.

“Please,” she whispered after a long time, gently picking up Eren’s hand and leaning her cheek against it, letting its warmth reassure her that there was still life in his unmoving form.

“Please, Eren, you have to wake up…”

~

A somber mood hung over the rest of the squad outside the cabin as they cleaned up after dinner and prepared to rest. Eventually Erwin broke away, signaling for Levi to follow him as he put enough distance between them and the rest of the group so that they wouldn’t be overheard.

For a long time, the two didn’t say a word, staring up at the stars instead, standing side-by-side.

“I’m just going to say it,” Levi said finally. “We should have seen that one coming.”

“Maybe,” Erwin nodded, still not looking at the Captain. “But there’s nothing we can do about it now.”

“So… game plan?”

Erwin shrugged. “Same as before. Get to Shiganshina. Find out what’s in the basement. Protect Jaeger. Try to stop the Titans. Reclaim the world.”

“You don’t think we should try to do anything about Leonhardt?”

“What can we do?”

Levi ground his teeth, dropping his gaze to the forest floor. “It just feels wrong not doing anything.”

“I know.”

Before Levi could say anything else in response, the crunching of twigs under boots behind them announced Hange’s arrival.

“No change,” she reported. “I’ve never seen him out this long before.”

“Just give it time. Annie kind of kicked the shit out of him. It’s probably just taking his body longer to heal,” Levi offered.

“That’s my theory too, but try telling that to Ackerman. She won’t leave his side. She’s worried sick. I could hardly get past her to check up on him!” Hange chuckled softly as she spoke.

“I guess Jaeger was worried for nothing then,” Levi muttered.

“What are you talking about?” Erwin raised his magnificent eyebrows.

“Just stupid drama with the junior crowd. Trust me, it will be better for all of us if it’s over. Those kids are being insufferable.”

“If you say so. Any new theories about what might be going on with her?”

“Well she’s clearly in love with him.”

“Very funny. I meant the Ackerman thing.”

“No. I’m at a loss. I have no idea who her father is, no idea what connection we could possibly have… whether we’re third cousins or if I’ve got a niece or a half-sister or something I never knew about… No idea. I’m not even sure if knowing would help us much anymore anyway.”

“We’re so close to the basement at this point, we might not have to guess much longer for answers,” Hange pointed out.

Erwin shook his head. “That’s true, but we have to keep on our toes. We’ve been building up this place for so long that I’m afraid we’re starting to put too much faith in it. We don’t know what kind of information Dr. Jaeger hid down there, but I highly doubt it will give us the full picture. Most likely, just more puzzle pieces.”

Levi and Hange nodded silently. 

“It was a blow losing Leonhardt like that. But we can’t let it distract us. We have to stay focused on the task at hand for now. It’s all we can do. I’ll keep watch for the night. Those kids have been through enough for the day. You two should try to get some sleep,” Erwin instructed.

“Alright. ‘Night then, see you boys bright and early!” the sound of Hange’s footsteps retreated from the clearing.

“I’ll stay with you,” Levi said once she’d gone. “I don’t know if I can get much sleep right now anyway.”

“Thanks.”

Crickets chirped in the grass below. The stars sparkled in the sky above. For a moment, the earth they struggled so hard to remain a part of seemed settled under a blanket of calm.

But both seasoned veterans staring up at the stars together knew that it wouldn’t last.

It never did.

~

As the night deepened, so did the silence, and when Reiner and Bertholdt got up in the latest, darkest hours of it all to sneak away from their blankets, no one heard a thing. They headed for a different part of the forest, well away from both the regular camp area in front of the cabin and from where they knew Erwin and Levi were standing guard.

It seemed like Reiner had been holding a lot of things in.

“That bitch! How could she do this to us?”

“I knew you were going to do this.”

“No, don’t give me that, I have every right to be mad, and you do too, Bert. How can you be so calm?”

Bertholdt shrugged. He was always calm.

“So what do we do now, any ideas?”

Bertholdt shrugged again. “I think it’s only a matter of time before they start to suspect us. Maybe we should just follow Annie and try to get back.”

“But we’re so close. If that basement really has answers, we can’t just wait for them to get to them first. We need some way to throw them off our scent long enough to make it there with them.”

“So why don’t we call in reinforcements? They already think it’s weird there haven’t been many Titans around. That could raise suspicion too.”

“But we can only control them so much. What if they actually hurt someone?”

Both men fell quiet for a minute.

“You know… we’re going to have to let them all go at some point. Eventually, they’re going to find out the truth.” Bertholdt’s voice was gentle.

“I know.”

“There’s a good chance they’re not all going to live.”

“I know.”

“There’s a good chance we might have to kill them.”

“I know.” Reiner visibly winced this time.

“Annie was a lot better at this, I think.”

“Yeah. Heartless bitch,” Reiner chuckled darkly. “I’m jealous.”

“Look, if we make it a weak call, only summon a few Titans, there’s a good chance they’ll be able to fight them off,” Bertholdt pointed out. “You saw how fast Levi took down that stray the other day.”

“We really don’t have any choice,” Reiner muttered. “At the end of the day, it’s us or them. Hey let’s try to get them to grab Jaeger while they’re at it. Save us some trouble.”

Bertholdt nodded. “Sure, couldn’t hurt.”

“Also no blowing our cover like Annie did. Those transformations are our last-resort defenses at this point. There’s no going back once we go there.”

Bertholdt nodded again, staring down his comrade adamantly.

“All right, thanks. You’re all I got left.”

“And you’re all I have left.”

“Let’s do this.”

~

The giants were raising their arms, linking together, and stone was forming between them to solidify into walls, high as the clouds, the most beautiful cage humanity’s collective eye had ever beheld. But the pain wasn’t gone yet.

Those chosen didn’t know what they were walking into as they crossed to the other side of the gate, the last people who would do so for many years. But they were seen off as heroes, the final celebration.

And then the lightning struck.

~

Eren woke panting, his heart beating fast like he’d just been running. An impending sense of doom hung over his head that he couldn’t shake for a good few minutes as he fought to take in his surroundings: a small cabin, still out in Titan territory, he assumed. But where was everyone else? 

He could see two Survey Corps jackets and two pairs of boots near the door of the place, which was clearly pretty old, sitting dormant for the ten years since its owner presumably fled behind the walls. It smelled like cobwebs and dust, and the mattress he was lying on felt pretty lumpy. Wait… two jackets hanging by the door? Two pairs of boots?

And then his brain finally processed one very important fact: Mikasa was there, in the room, right next to him.

She looked like she was just waking up too, a pained expression on her face. Her head had just been resting on his legs, and his hand was in hers. Before he’d could react, she’d blinked the sleep from her eyes and dropped his hand quickly, face flushing. But her embarrassment quickly melted away as their eyes met. He barely had a second to register the new emotion on her face- Shock? Horror? Relief? –before she was crashing against him in a hug.

Eren’s muscles tensed at first at the sudden contact, but he quickly relaxed, wrapping his arms around her back and pulling her in tighter.

“Wow,” he breathed after a minute in that position, giving a soft chuckle. “How long was I out?”

Mikasa kept her face buried in his shoulder for a few more seconds before pulling back to answer, and when she did there were tears sparkling in her eyes.

“A full day and night, almost.”

“Oh.”

Eren didn’t really know what to say after that. His body was already feeling the hollowness she’d left when she pulled away to sit back on the chair next to the bed, but more memories of what had happened before he’d transformed were starting to resurface.

“I… I can’t believe you’re here.”

“What?”

“I kind of thought you’d still be mad at me… or scared of me… or something.”

“Seriously?”

Eren nodded sheepishly, feeling extremely foolish. Looking at her now, illuminated by the dim light of candles that flickered across her beautiful features, he could feel every ounce of anxiety that had been weighing on him start to melt away. A new feeling was starting to set in instead, because the way she was looking at him was making it hard to breathe.

“Is that why you wouldn’t tell me the truth? Because you thought I’d be scared of you?”

“Well… yeah? It’s not that far of a jump to make. I mean, you saw me… I’m a monster.”

To his great surprise, Mikasa smiled and looked down, tears still shining against her eyelashes.

“You’re such an idiot. Scared for you, maybe. But no, I’m not scared of you.”

“Maybe you should be.”

“Then let me ask you something, Eren, would you ever hurt me?”

Eren felt his heart leap to his throat, his eyes widen. He sat straight up in bed now, reaching for her hand involuntarily.

“No, of course not! But… you haven’t really seen it… Sometimes when I’m like that, I forget things. I have to transform with something really specific in mind, and when I do sometimes other stuff gets… left out.”

“I see,” Mikasa was pensive for a moment. “So… what were you thinking of when you transformed the other day?”

Eren felt heat rising quickly to his face.

“I was thinking about protecting everyone,” he admitted. Then, before he could change his mind he let himself charge forward recklessly. “But mostly about protecting you.”

His heart raced at the directness of his words, terrified that anything he said could scare her away at any moment. But still she remained, not even letting go of his hand. And she looked up at him with the most radiant smile he’d ever seen.

“Then I don’t think I have much to worry about, do I?”

He laughed breathlessly, reveling in the rapid release of tension, the wall between them being quickly deconstructed with every second.

“You’re crazy,” Eren teased.

“Maybe. But I guess if things did get out of hand, I could always slice you up, considering I am the greatest Titan slayer this squad has ever seen...”

They both laughed now.

“That’s true. You can kick my ass any day, Titan or not.”

Their laughter subsided, leaving a peaceful quiet in its wake. Mikasa’s hand was soft in Eren’s: a perfect fit. He let his thumb move slowly across her skin in gentle stroking movements. She didn’t pull away, her eyes following his thumb as though she were in a trance.

“Eren?”

“Yeah?”

“I need you to promise me something, okay?”

“Anything.”

“No more secrets. Please.”

He heard the crack in her voice and it twisted his heart with guilt. She’d let her head hang low again, but he brought up his other hand, the one that wasn’t holding hers, and placed it under her chin gently to bring her gaze directly to his.

“Never again. You have my word.”

This time, her tears spilled over, and then she was back on the bed with him, holding onto him for dear life, her head buried in his shoulder once again. This time he wasted no time letting his own arms envelop her right back.

“I’m so sorry Mikasa,” he whispered over and over again. “I’m so sorry.”

Eventually, she pulled back from his shoulder, letting her forehead touch his, eyes closed. Eren’s breath caught at the close proximity; longing to break it, break down anything left between them once and for all, but he made himself resist, letting her cool breath flutter across his lips.

“I thought I’d lost you,” she whispered finally.

“You’re not going to lose me.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“You’re not going to lose me.”

“I can’t lose you.”

“I can’t lose you either.”

Silence fell between them for another moment, but they did not move, each drinking in the presence of the other. For the moment, neither of them was lost; they were there, in each other’s arms, alive and real and finally back where they belonged.

“Mikasa…” her name escaped his lips at a half-whisper, his tone still low and heavy with need. “Can I kiss you?”

She pulled her head back at this, her eyes popping open in surprise and the flush in her cheeks deepening.

“I… You want to…?”

Eren felt his heart drop.

“Wait, never mind, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have asked, just forget it-”

But his regretful words were silenced when her lips fell lightly onto his, holding them captive for a perfect moment before she let him go again, pulling back shyly, leaving him blinking in astonishment.

“Sorry, you just took me by surprise,” a small smile pulled at her now as she spoke, her eyes dark and hazy. “I didn’t think anyone would want to kiss me ever again, really.”

“Well, you’re wrong about that,” Eren’s voice was hoarse as he reached out a swift hand to cup the side of her face, letting his thumb run across her cheek slowly as he guided her back toward him.

And then he was the one catching her lips with his.

He heard her take in a sharp breath against his mouth and brought up his other hand so he now held both sides of her face, cradling her gently, part of him still afraid she’d vanish at any second if he moved too fiercely. But she stayed, wrapping her hands around his wrists, her lips drifting against his, their movements beginning to sync up as they breathed each other in.

She was so perfect, Eren found himself thinking, losing himself in everything that was Mikasa Ackerman: every musty scent, every bewitching sound, every trembling move. Yet again he cursed those wasted years, his own incompetence. He cursed his stupid fear, his secrecy, everything that had driven them apart until this moment. He could taste the salt of the tears on her lips, the tears he’d caused, and a wave of passion hit him. He wanted to drive those tears away once and for all.

He opened his mouth ever so slightly to suck on her bottom lip, getting rid of the rest of the tears, tasting her sweetness through their bitterness. She shuddered against him, breaking their contact briefly and emitting a small gasp that caused his blood to pulsate, a roaring sound filling his ears. Without thinking he dove into her open mouth, his tongue devouring her eagerly as she melted in his grip. A moan escaped her, immediately swallowed by him, driving his mind further into an animalistic haze.

Gradually, without either of them taking much notice until it was to late, they began to lean backwards, until Eren was adjusting their position, his lips hardly leaving hers, so she lightly fell onto her back beneath him. She reached up to tangle his hair in her hands, pulling him in tighter, the soft sighs she was releasing into him beginning to increase in frequency. And Eren was pouring everything into her now: how sorry he was for hurting her, how much he cared about her, how much he needed her to know he’d never hurt her again, and that he’d take down any force in the world who might dare try. 

For the moment, they were each other’s air.

Eren wanted to be closer, so much closer, nothing was close enough. And now their bodies were pressing into each other and he could feel her in ways that were starting to drive him out of his mind and his hands wanted to move, to roam, but as they tentatively began to slink down her sides, she froze.

Immediately, Eren knew he’d done something wrong.

“I’m sorry,” he pulled away quickly. “Too far. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Mikasa’a hair framed her face like a an inky nimbus, her thin frame still pinned beneath him as she tried to catch her breath, attempting to regain her own focus. “I just… I need a little bit more time.”

“No, it’s fine, you don’t have to-”

“Eren.”

She pulled him back down to kiss him fiercely, stealing the air from his lungs. For a second, Eren felt like he might just lose it right then and there.

“I’m going to get there,” she whispered when she broke away. “I want to get there. That place doesn’t get to rule me. My past doesn’t own me anymore. But I need a little bit longer.”

“Of course,” Eren murmured, his eyes still closed for a moment, recovering, until he opened them to hit her with a glowing smile. “Take as long as you need.”

She giggled a little bit, reaching up to stroke his lips as she whispered, “I’ve never kissed anyone like that before.”

Her eyes sparkled gorgeously, her face was flushed, her lips were still swollen from his kisses. She was so impossibly beautiful it was ridiculous. He leaned down to give her another kiss, a long one that caused her to hum against his lips.

“I haven’t either,” he answered finally. “God, you’re amazing.”

She smirked at him. “So I’ve heard.”

“Oh really? From who?”

“I don’t know, some idiot who saved my life.”

She kissed him again.

“Actually, I believe it was you who last saved my life.”

He kissed her again.

“Hey, speaking of, what were you doing there anyway, that day? If you hadn’t thrown that rock, Annie could have probably gotten me before I could transform.”

Slowly, he adjusted himself so that he was lying next to her instead of over her now, and she turned over onto her side so they were facing each other on the bed. Eren wound his fingers in hers, not wanting to break contact fully.

“You’d just been gone awhile, and then I noticed Annie was gone too, and I don’t know… I just got this weird feeling that I should go check it out. I’m glad I went, though.”

“Me too. How did I make it without you all this time?”

“Dumb luck probably.”

“Guess so.”

And then he was catching her next irresistible giggle against his lips in another kiss.

They carried on in a similar fashion for a long time. The candles burned low, and they had no idea how late into the night it was anymore. At one point, Eren offered for Mikasa to go back outside and sleep on her own, where everybody else was.

“You look tired,” he intoned, brushing her hair behind her ear with delicate fingers.

“I’m not! I want to stay.”

“Good, because I want you to stay too.”

“What if the others find us in the morning?”

Eren shrugged. “I don’t know… what can they really do about it?”

Mikasa smiled, hiding her face in his shoulder. Despite her insistence to the contrary, her eyelids were starting to droop, exposing the truth. Eren began stroking her hair gently with soothing motions, combing his fingers through the silky dark strands.

“It’s okay to close your eyes,” he whispered. Her eyelashes fluttered prettily as she began to surrender to his calming strokes.

“Promise you’ll still be here when I wake up?”

“Of course.”

He placed a long kiss on her forehead, pulling her into him, listening as her breathing grew deeper and more even. And even though he’d slept for so long already, he started to feel himself begin to drift off too… though he was never really sure if he actually fell asleep or not.

All he really knew for sure was her body wrapped in his as he held her for the rest of the night, and he never wanted it to end.

~

And so was the position they remained in when, sure enough, reality came flooding in on them the next morning with the sunlight streaming through the open door.

“Rise and shine, lovebirds!” an overly cheerful voice called out, making Mikasa groan and shift in Eren’s arms, not wanting to open her eyes because she could already feel the light burning past the closed lids. She felt Eren’s grip tighten around her.

“Shhh Mikasa just ignore her,” his sleepy voice muttered in her ear. “Maybe if we’re real quiet she’ll go away…”

“No such luck, Jaeger!”

Hange was bounding over to the bed now, prodding Eren into a sitting position as she began an examination of his human form. Mikasa was left still lying to the side, and slowly she made herself open her eyes and greet the light of day. Eren looked incredibly disgruntled at Hange’s invasion, wincing as she poked and prodded at his arm, making marks in her notebook, but Mikasa couldn’t help but smile a bit to herself as she watched the scene.

It was daylight, and they were still here; he was still beside her, his heart still beating. It hadn’t been a dream.

“All right, I guess you’re all clear, Jaeger. I’m not really sure why your body needed so much extra time to heal, but it seems to have done the trick.”

“I told you,” a new voice drawled from the doorway, accompanied by a short shadow. “It’s because Leonhardt nearly killed him.”

Levi walked further in, glancing at the notes Hange was taking.

“Okay there Jaeger?”

Eren still appeared irritated but nodded grudgingly.

“Yeah. Sorry I let her get the better of me like that. I didn’t… I mean, I didn’t know.”

Levi shook his head. “None of us did. Don’t beat yourself up over it, if you can manage that for once. We decided we’re just going to keep moving on for Shiganshina. There’s no use chasing after her, at this point.”

His gaze dropped to Mikasa, who sat up quickly, reaching for Eren’s arm subconsciously. But Levi seemed unperturbed. He turned for the doorway, motioning for Hange to follow him and tossing a smirk over his shoulder at them.

“Keep it above the belt kids. The last thing we need right now is another baby underfoot.”

“But we didn’t-”

The door shut. Mikasa turned to Eren to find his face as bright red as hers felt. 

“Asshole,” he muttered at the closed door under his breath.

Mikasa let out a small groan. “I’m so sorry.”

But Eren turned to fix her with his disarmingly intense gaze and tangled a hand in her hair, sweeping their lips together and causing Mikasa’s heart to stop for a few seconds until he broke away again and she was fighting for breath.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about,” he murmured, his gorgeous smile starting to dance across his face again. 

Mikasa felt the corners of her mouth lift too, unable to resist his contagious energy. 

“So… think there’s any way we can arrange just staying here forever and never leaving?”

Eren put his arms around her and leaned back, pulling her with him so they were lying down, staring up at the ceiling.

“I mean… I don’t see why not.”

Mikasa laughed, snuggling deeper into his arms, as they fell silent for a minute.

“I think we have a basement to open,” she whispered into the quiet.

“And Titans to fight,” Eren added.

“We should get up.”

“Just one more minute.”

“Okay.”

But eventually, their two pairs of feet hit the solid ground again, their gear was buckled back up, their jackets were slung back over their shoulders, their boots slid on firmly.

“Ready?” Mikasa asked, facing the door.

Eren took her hand.

“Now I am.”

And then they opened the door to step into the sun.

~

Off in the fields nearby, Ymir and Krista managed to steal another moment for themselves as the rest of the squad got packed up, preparing to leave for the day. Excitement at their close proximity to Shiganshina was running high in the air, especially since Eren had woken up.

“Oh did you see how cute that was they were holding hands and everything!” Krista was exclaiming, dancing around the field as Ymir followed behind her, rolling her eyes but unable to hide a smile at how cute the tiny blonde was.

“Why do you care so much anyway?”

“They’re our friends! Weren’t you sick of the fighting? They were both so miserable.”

Ymir shrugged. “I didn’t really notice, I guess.”

“Well, whatever, I’m happy about it.”

Ymir’s eyes lingered on Krista, still far ahead of her, but now her smile faltered. For the thousandth time that voice was whispering from the back of her mind: tell her…

It had been getting louder since Mikasa had found out about Eren. Mikasa hadn’t been mad about that so maybe… maybe there was a chance Krista would be okay with it too. But there was a lot more to it than that in her case, she reminded herself. She was keeping more secrets than probably anyone else on the squad. How the hell was Krista- was anyone really- supposed to take it if she told the truth?

Oh by the way, I actually already know what the Titans are and where they came from and why and I’m actually one myself along too. Also Krista I know who you really are and what your destiny is and by the way your real name is-

“Hey guys come back! We’re almost ready to leave!”

Jean’s voice floated through the trees toward them, and Ymir saw him standing back at the end of the path, waving his arms at them.

“Coming!” she called back. Krista skipped up to fall in place next to her as they walked back.

“You’ve been kinda quiet recently, is something up?”

Tell her!!

But no, it was too much. Too much had built up.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” she tried to smile nonchalantly, slinging an arm over Krista’s shoulders. “It’s just so crazy we’re this close to Shiganshina, you know? The others haven’t shut up about that place for years!”

“I know what you mean. I hope… well, I hope that maybe there will be some answers for me there too. I don’t know why there would be, but I could use some from somewhere.”

Ymir’s heart sank.

“Yeah, maybe,” she said finally. “You never know!”

“I’m glad you’ll be there with me.”

Krista beamed up at her and Ymir forced a smile back, trying to look genuine and not reveal how her heart now felt like it was shattering in her chest.

“Me too.”

~

 

Mikasa and Sasha went together to go refill their 3-D maneuvering at the nearby stream later as everyone was packing up and getting ready to go, and as they walked along the path, Mikasa caught Sasha smirking at her.

“What?” she asked.

“Well…?” Sasha’s grin grew.

“Well what?”

“You and Eren!”

“Nothing… happened…”

“But you’re together now?”

Mikasa felt her heart lift at Sasha’s words and she couldn’t help but smile a little. “Yes.”

“Oh thank goodness. You guys were being ridiculous.”

“Hey!”

“Well you were!”

They knelt down at the edge of the stream to deposit their gear, letting the water run in to fill the tanks.

“Actually… okay can I talk to you about something?” Mikasa blurted out before she could stop herself.

“Sure, shoot!”

“Are you sure? Just let me know if it gets a little… heavy.”

“Mikasa I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re friends now. You can tell me stuff.”

“Okay, it’s just last night…” she trailed off for a minute, collecting herself while she felt her face flush again. “Nothing happened. But things started to take a turn in that direction. And I just… I was with him but then all the sudden it reminded me of where I was before and I kind of froze up.”

“That… sounds completely normal to me.”

“It does?”

“Mikasa you went through some serious stuff. It would almost be weird if you didn’t have this kind of reaction.”

“But I don’t want that kind of reaction! I’m done with that place. They shouldn’t be able to control me anymore.”

“So it’s probably something you can work through. You’ve been strong about everything else so far, way stronger than I would have been if I were you, honestly, so if you’ve got the willpower to do this then I think you can.”

“Yeah…”

“Do you want that with him? Like past just reclaiming your freedom and everything, is this something you really want to do for yourself?”

Mikasa thought of the night before. The way he’d looked at her like he was drinking her in and couldn’t get enough, the intensity of his gaze making her forget to breathe. The way he’d pulled her into him, his lips against hers, making her dizzy in the best way. His arms encircling her, the feel of his weight on her… 

“Yes,” she finally managed to get out in answer to Sasha’s question. But it came out at a hoarse whisper so she cleared her throat quickly to repeat, “Yes.”

Sasha nodded. “Okay so just relax and don’t worry yourself about it. When you’re ready, you’ll know.”

“Thanks, Sasha. Also, if you could refrain from telling the others about this…?”

Sasha put an arm around her playfully as they both started back down the path in the direction of the others. “Thought hadn’t even crossed my mind! That’s what friends are for, Mikasa. I’m here any time.”

A warm feeling of comfort washed over Mikasa at Sasha’s words. Next to her, the other girl started to go on about something silly Connie had done at dinner the night before and Mikasa started to laugh, and suddenly she realized she was happy. Happy that she’d made such kind new friends. Happy that she was out of the dark and that the boy who’d offered her the way out was now waiting for her back at camp with a smile bright enough to keep it away forever. Happy that she finally had somewhere she really belonged.

Happiness was so fleeting and fragile in this world she’d re-joined.

Might as well savor it.

~

The Survey Corps rode out that day still high on the excitement of being so close to Shiganshina. No one seemed that worried about the absence of Titans anymore, rather everyone was hoping that they would continue to be missing long enough for them to get there, especially because the next stretch of their journey would require them to venture away from the safety of trees and into open air.

The sun shone in the sky void of clouds, the air was cool and stimulating on the faces of the soldiers, and the day seemed so full of promise that at first, no one noticed the ground shaking. The thundering of horse hooves overpowered it. It was Jean who gave the shout no one wanted to hear:

“Incoming! Titans in the West! We’ve got Titans!”

Everyone’s gaze turned to follow Jean’s outstretched arm, and a collective chill went up the spines of the Survey Corps.

“Motherfucker,” Levi muttered, only loud enough for Erwin riding next to him to hear. “So that’s where they’ve all been.”

“What do we do?” Connie called. “I can’t tell how many of them there are.”

“Keep riding,” Levi called back. “We keep trying to cover ground. When they get here, we fight.”

“They’re coming in fast!” Eren shouted from his spot in the center of the formation. “We don’t have much time.”

Their twisted faces were becoming visible now: the blank stares, the grotesque leers, the unyielding bloodlust. It was becoming increasingly obvious that the Corps had no chance of getting to Shiganshina before they’d have to stop and fight. Levi pulled his horse around to face the others, causing them to fall back.

“Okay squad, this is it. Adjust positions. Don’t get eaten. I need all you guys in top shape to get to that basement!”

“Yes sir!”

“Fight!” Levi yelled, and everyone charged forward at once.

Mikasa’s heart was in her throat as she raced head on at the awful creatures. She could feel the fear threatening to take her over again, paralyze her into not following her instincts, but then she glanced to the side at Eren.

His eyes were on fire, a look of pure, unfiltered rage lit up his face like a flash of lightning slashing through the night sky. He looked like he wanted nothing more than to hurl himself straight into the fray, swords flying with reckless abandon, swinging true to kill as many Titans as he possibly could. The words Armin had spoken to her weeks ago came floating back through her head:

His daredevil ways are going to get him killed someday…

“Eren!” Mikasa blurted out, new panic starting to rise in her chest. But at the sound of her voice, he blinked, the rage sliding away, and turned to meet her eyes. He didn’t say anything, he just smiled. But that was enough.

Mikasa felt the tightness gripping at her lift again and with it went the fear that had been starting to set in before. There was no time for any of that. Not when she had so much to protect.

The Titans were still a few feet away, but Mikasa was done waiting. And so, it appeared, were some of the others. 3-D gear shot out at the oncoming forms, followed quickly by tan and green blurs of soldiers. Mikasa swung carefully around the reaching hands of a monster right in front of her and landed squarely on its back, wasting no time in cutting it right at the neck with a quick swipe of her sword. It went crashing to the ground but she was already moving for the next, avoiding more disgusting, reaching fingers to bring that one down too. 

She didn’t stop to think, didn’t stop to let the reality of the situation sink in, she was like a machine; all emotions were off, all doubt and worry were off. That same primal instinct that had driven her when she’d stabbed her captors had returned, coursing through her veins, driving her swords to fly faster, harder. She was like a deadly machine built only for survival.

The only way to win is to fight.

Fight… and live.

But Mikasa’s violent haze came to an abrupt halt when a shout came from the midst of the fray.

“Eren! They’ve got Eren!”

Mikasa whirled around from where she’d been perched on the shoulder of the Titan, about to make the move for the kill. Armin was pointing off into the distance where a particularly nasty-looking Titan was gripping a bloody and unconscious Eren in its grossly elongated fingers and running off in the same direction from which the Titans had come. A block of ice slowly started to encase Mikasa’s insides, the world around her going silent as it bottomed out from beneath her. 

But the battle hadn’t stopped, and her hesitation was almost too much.

The Titan she’d been perched on had gotten wise, and it almost caught her as it reached back for her. But another green blur was there spinning in front of her before she could even blink, and Levi was making the kill blow, bringing them both down safely to the ground. Levi was immediately back on his feet, shielding Mikasa as more Titans advanced in on them.

“Go get him!” Levi shouted at her, preparing to spring back into the air.

“I-”

“GO!”

And he leapt up to take down the Titans in front of them, clearing her way forward. It was like a shock went through Mikasa then, waking her back up.

There was still a chance. There had to be.

She was off in seconds, running across the field straight for the trees where the Titan had disappeared with Eren. They couldn’t have gotten far. The ugly thing had left a trail of broken branches and fallen leaves where it had attempted to maneuver its way through the trees, causing Mikasa to smirk coldly as she flew through the air.

Stupid bastard. All the better for me. I’m going to pry him back from your filthy hands when I slice you limb from limb.

~

Meanwhile, the Survey Corps was fighting with everything they had, but no one was sure if it was enough. For every Titan they each slayed, it felt like another was right there to take its place. Levi was a blur on the battlefield, Erwin a force of nature all his own, Hange’s manic smile was fueled by fury as her blades flew. What was left of the 104th training regiment fought with a frustration that could only come from being forced out of action for four long years.

Most of their bodies reverted to battle mode as though they’d never left, but the memory of how terrifying their foes really were came back as well. 

Desperation only went so far. Even as the numbers of Titans dwindled, the Corps was beginning to wear thin on energy as well. There were no more signs of Mikasa and Eren either, since they’d disappeared into the forest beyond.

“Keep fighting!” Erwin’s voice rang out. “We’ve almost got them!”

But even as he spoke, he was knocked to the ground by a Titan that had grown wise and decided to attack him from behind. He was immediately back on his feet, but ground level against a Titan without a horse was a huge disadvantage. Levi immediately began trying to make his way through the fray in the fallen Commander’s direction.

Meanwhile, Sasha and Connie were tag-teaming Titans the best they could, working seamlessly together. Connie would keep the Titans’ hands preoccupied while Sasha swung around back to make the laceration at the neck. However, it wasn’t long before a Titan sensed the trap and snatched Sasha from mid-air as she was drawing her sword.

“Sasha!” Connie yelled in anguish.

But from across the battlefield, his cries were joined by another name.

“Krista!” 

Ymir was screaming her girlfriend’s name, but Krista knelt on the ground helplessly, a giant quickly advancing towards her. She’d burned too much fuel until she’d run out, and they were nowhere near the stream anymore. It was like everything went into slow motion then. Ymir finished off her own Titan and went running towards Krista but it was too late. The monster was already picking her up, struggling in its grip, lifting her into its open mouth.

“No!” the shout tore from Ymir, and lightning was striking again.

Ymir’s Titan form rose high into the air.

~

Mikasa finally caught sight of the Titan carrying Eren through the trees up ahead, still moving fast. But she could move faster. She threw a flip into her momentum to give herself an extra burst of speed, the thought of getting Eren back safely in her arms all-invasive with every action. Finally, the Titan was close again, so close she could almost reach…

“Give… him… BACK!” 

She flung herself forward, landing squarely on its back. Almost immediately, it began reaching for her too, attempting to close her into the same death grip it had Eren in. With catlike reflexes, Mikasa dodged and swiped at the arm holding him, her aim hitting true. The arm fell to the ground, Eren still visibly unconscious in its grip. But Mikasa couldn’t feel any sort of relief yet. The Titan roared, catching Mikasa directly in its blank stare, the arm already starting to reform below. Whether it was feeling pain at its arm being cut off or anger at Mikasa for doing the cutting or annoyance that she’d deprived it of its victim… or whether it was feeling nothing at all… it was all lost in that terrifyingly passive gaze. 

What are you? Mikasa couldn’t help but wonder, but there was no time for pity as she made the same powerful incision she’d made so many times already that day for a final time. The Titan went falling to the ground, but Mikasa’s body gave out on her on the way down and she went crashing with it, just barely managing to roll out of the way in time. 

She lay there for a second, catching her breath. Every muscle ached, and a few places around her body smarted with minor injuries she hadn’t felt herself get, but she knew she couldn’t lie there for long. She pulled herself back to her feet, looking around desperately for the place where the Titan’s arm had landed.

“Eren!” she croaked out. Then louder, “EREN!”

Mikasa’s heart jumped slightly at the sound of a small groan a few feet away, and finally she could see that it was a pile of Titan innards that was quickly dissipating with a rush of steam.

“Mikasa?”

It was quiet. But it was there.

“Eren!”

Her pace picked up, because she could see him now. Covered in grime and dirt, but alive, slowly blinking those beautiful eyes open and trying to lift his head at the sound of her voice.

“Eren, stay down! It’s okay, I’ve got you!”

Mikasa fell to her knees, pulling his head into her lap.

“Mikasa,” a smile ghosted his face and he reached up an arm weakly, as though trying to touch her face, though it fell almost immediately back to the ground. “You’re here.”

“Shhh,” she stroked his hair back, putting her hand in his to keep him from trying to lift it again. “Yes, I’m here. You’re safe now.”

She watched him slip out of consciousness again.

~

Back on the open battlefield, Levi was landing gracefully from taking down the final Titan still standing. Many others had retreated, and many more had been slain by the unrelenting Corps. But they hadn’t been left unscathed.

The ground was spattered with almost just as much human blood as it was with Titan remnants. A few cries were starting to ring out through the air, growing heavy as the sun sank lower and lower in the sky. 

As the last of his adrenaline left him, the full reality now facing them hit, and Levi sank to his knees before what was left of his second squad.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO happy I finally got to write this chapter. I've had it planned for a very long time. Thank you so much for reading! I'll be back soon with the next chapter. Until then, let me know what you think! x)


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